Marriage, How much is she worth?

[BrabusMog]

Impasse said:

BrabusMog said:

Just long enough to make sure she isn't going to do you over and steal half your cash.

So get rid just before the marriage ceremony?

Yeah, as long as you haven't paid too much of a deposit.

[Impasse]

I do try to advise people of PH about this, but some tend to get a bit miffed by such a suggestion.

[Robertj21a]

Impasse said:

How long would you deem long enough? One year? Two years? Five? Ten? Longer?

Longer. They don't call it the 7 year itch for nothing. By 7 years you'll probably be feeling a bit bored, lack of variety, taken for granted etc - by 10 years one or other of you will need to get out.

[lord trumpton]

Robertj21a said:

Impasse said:

How long would you deem long enough? One year? Two years? Five? Ten? Longer?

Longer. They don't call it the 7 year itch for nothing. By 7 years you'll probably be feeling a bit bored, lack of variety, taken for granted etc - by 10 years one or other of you will need to get out.

Well me and the wife have been together nearly 11 years and I can honestly say its great. I do appreciate though not everyone will be as fluffy as me though

[Impasse]

lord trumpton said:

Well me and the wife have been together nearly 11 years and I can honestly say its great. I do appreciate though not everyone will be as fluffy as me though

Mine started her affair shortly before our thirteenth anniversary, so there's plenty of time left for you yet.

[Ari]

lord trumpton said:

Bang on! Its all about trust, it underpins marriage.

There's no guarantees in life and marriage is no exception.

If you want a get out clause then don't get married. Stay as a partnership as the main difference in the grand scheme is little.

The problem with that is that (apparently, according to some) if she moves in to your house and you split up 5 years later she's due a portion of it.

I'm yet to be convinced that's actually true, but there is annecdotal mention of it.

[PurpleMoonlight]

Ari said:

The problem with that is that (apparently, according to some) if she moves in to your house and you split up 5 years later she's due a portion of it.

I'm yet to be convinced that's actually true, but there is annecdotal mention of it.

It is true.

The Law even provides her with a method to stop you selling the house while she argues over what her share is. It's called a Matrimonial Homes Rights Notice and is registered on Land Registry Title.

[C.A.R.]

So there have been a few developments for me over the last week.

Firstly; I got the new job.
Secondly; I got an unexpected performance bonus from my current employer to the tune of about £1100. Sweet!

And finally, just this evening in fact, I had "the talk" with the not-yet-Mrs.
I highlighted that we had options open to us now-
A. Clear the debt using the difference between my new and current salary - debt clear in 11 months using the performance bonus money as a downpayment too.
B. Make the downpayment but then transfer the balance to an interest free C/C and set up a smaller direct debit to clear the lot within 2 years. Simultaneously, I could save £5k to put towards our big day.

Then she goes and drops a clanger.

Currently she draws in around £600 a month in maternity pay. Come February she'll only be returning to one of the two part time jobs she had and will be down by around £300 a month. So all the extra money I'd be bringing into the family would be totally absorbed by this shortfall.

I don't think she can realistically expect to have a wedding on top of this scenario. The cold hard truth has hit home this evening and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife! I'm not going to say any more until she's had a chance to think on it...

[craig_m67]

C.A.R. said:

...and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife! I'm not going to say any more until she's had a chance to think on it...

She's had a chance to think about it?

Pardon my bluntness, but you appear to be equating marriage with capital outlay and cashflow as opposed to love and commitment. I expect that when there is enough income for the party you think she wants, she'll be gone (or at least dead inside).

Spend a dollar on a registry wedding or engagement, plan a budget based on appropriate reasonable incomes and spending (she doesn't want to work two jobs and be away from the kids.. I mean really, how dare she, she can spend that time with them as babies later right?). Save for the debt and a brilliant honeymoon in Barbados (outer space, place of her choosing) and get on with it.

Otherwise I predict you will be a lonely man in a bedsit with even slimmer career prospects due to depression faster than you can say.. Why doesn't she understand it's all about the money....

[Ari]

C.A.R. said:

So there have been a few developments for me over the last week.

Firstly; I got the new job.
Secondly; I got an unexpected performance bonus from my current employer to the tune of about £1100. Sweet!

And finally, just this evening in fact, I had "the talk" with the not-yet-Mrs.
I highlighted that we had options open to us now-
A. Clear the debt using the difference between my new and current salary - debt clear in 11 months using the performance bonus money as a downpayment too.
B. Make the downpayment but then transfer the balance to an interest free C/C and set up a smaller direct debit to clear the lot within 2 years. Simultaneously, I could save £5k to put towards our big day.

Then she goes and drops a clanger.

Currently she draws in around £600 a month in maternity pay. Come February she'll only be returning to one of the two part time jobs she had and will be down by around £300 a month. So all the extra money I'd be bringing into the family would be totally absorbed by this shortfall.

I don't think she can realistically expect to have a wedding on top of this scenario. The cold hard truth has hit home this evening and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife! I'm not going to say any more until she's had a chance to think on it...

I'm sorry but this is really really simple isn't it? You've just had over a grand completely out of the blue. You can get married on half of that very easily and still be better off than you thought you were.

So the answer is very simple. "Good news darling, we can get married. It won't be a big wedding, we obviously cannot afford that, but we can certainly get married, I've got enough for a nice dress for you, a suit for me and the registry fees. Of course if you'd rather a big white wedding I'm very happy to wait until we can afford it, but if you want to get married now and forget the big ceremony then we can do that. Entirely up to you".

Win/win. Either she says 'I don't care about the ceremony, I just want to be married to you', you spend about £600, bank the rest and know that you no longer have to budget for The Big Day. Or it is deferred but it is her decision to do so.

Easy.

[Ari]

PurpleMoonlight said:

Ari said:

The problem with that is that (apparently, according to some) if she moves in to your house and you split up 5 years later she's due a portion of it.

I'm yet to be convinced that's actually true, but there is anecdotal mention of it.

It is true.

The Law even provides her with a method to stop you selling the house while she argues over what her share is. It's called a Matrimonial Homes Rights Notice and is registered on Land Registry Title.

Precisely what I'm talking about - anecdotal mention.

Two minutes on Google suggests that Matrimonial Homes Rights Notice applies only to people who are married or in civil partnerships - not people who've moved in with someone that owns a house and fancy trying to take half of it when they leave five years later.

A Home Rights Notice should be registered at the Land Registry where a spouse or civil partner is not residing in the matrimonial home and that person's name does not appear on the Title Register, i.e. the property is not in the applicant's name.

https://www.landregistryservices.com/faqs/register...

[OwenK]

Do not do it. I'm deadly serious. Sounds like there's been some dodgy behaviour on her part that you're unhappy with lately. This DOES NOT go away just by getting hitched. If anything it'll get worse. Why are you so desperate to sign up to something you're not happy with, something that has such far-reaching implications, in order to keep her? There's literally billions more just like her out there.
Giving in to doing things that she wants, which you don't want, makes her happy in the short term but over time add up into her resenting and being repulsed by your lack of backbone. THAT is how you end up living in a bedsit alone - not by refusing to get married on terms that you aren't happy with.

[PurpleMoonlight]

Ari said:

Precisely what I'm talking about - anecdotal mention.

Two minutes on Google suggests that Matrimonial Homes Rights Notice applies only to people who are married or in civil partnerships - not people who've moved in with someone that owns a house and fancy trying to take half of it when they leave five years later.

A Home Rights Notice should be registered at the Land Registry where a spouse or civil partner is not residing in the matrimonial home and that person's name does not appear on the Title Register, i.e. the property is not in the applicant's name.

https://www.landregistryservices.com/faqs/register...

This thread is about the possible costs of marriage not the possible costs of co-habiting. So your post was responded to on that basis.

But if you believe co-habiting is safe you are sadly very wrong. A partner can still seek to claim an interest in a property under property trust law.

[Ari]

PurpleMoonlight said:

This thread is about the possible costs of marriage not the possible costs of co-habiting. So your post was responded to on that basis.

But if you believe co-habiting is safe you are sadly very wrong. A partner can still seek to claim an interest in a property under property trust law.

Really? Which law is that then?

[hairyben]

C.A.R. said:

I don't think she can realistically expect to have a wedding on top of this scenario. The cold hard truth has hit home this evening and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife! I'm not going to say any more until she's had a chance to think on it...

I notice you haven't replied to several comments that you can have a nice wedding for a tenth of your proposed budget - The best weddings are the most honest ones, nothing done to impress whether it's the one our friends had (reg office>>> club/pub room) or the more costly but still avoiding all the hangers-on and expensive clichés. None of that stuff really matters.

If your partner insists on the whole nine yards typical wedding for society/peer groups maybe you should point out it's "typical" for her parents to fork out for it...

Because you're in debt now and with two lit'luns there is no fking way you'll be able to magick extra loan repayments, you ARE heading for a crunch.

[voyds9]

Tell her after thinking about what she said, she is right and spend this precious time with new baby is important and as such you will be reducing your hours.
Then tell her there will be no wedding, holidays and her car has to go.

You will then car share YOUR car to get her to work.

[Monkeylegend]

voyds9 said:

Tell her after thinking about what she said, she is right and spend this precious time with new baby is important and as such you will be reducing your hours.
Then tell her there will be no wedding, holidays and her car has to go.

You will then car share YOUR car to get her to work.

And when you are released from accident and emergency, tell her you were only joking.

[Funk]

Captain Muppet said:

I wish I'd known I was signing half my house away when I got married. It wouldn't have made any difference to the marriage, but it would have made the divorce much easier to cope with.

I'm still hugely resentful that the registrar can sign you up without even hinting at the small print. No one I knew had been divorced until I was, and it all came as something of a shock.

If differential financial status puts you off marrying someone then you shouldn't be getting married anyway. Its supposed to be romantic.

At least in the old days they were honest about marriages for the purpose of forming alliances between families and based on power and strategy.

[Granfondo]

Marriage is like a hurricane, in the beginning all wet and wild!

And when it's over half your house is missing!!!

[voyds9]

Monkeylegend said:

And when you are released from accident and emergency, tell her you were only joking.

It does very much seem in a relationship a woman can think about herself whereas a man has to think about the couple.