Discussion
I had a mate a while back, late 90s, and we were starting to lose contact as he was slipping in this direction - it's just not my thing.
He then started actively talking to me about it (very similar to what your friend is saying) when we occasionally met.
My view was that it was all about the company he was keeping - again not totally different from how your OP, but maybe he'd gone a bit deeper.
Easy to tell him to 'stop hanging around with them', so I just started inviting him to other stuff and keeping in contact more, even just regular "Alright chap, all good?"
Eventually got him to play 5-aside which he liked and started to join regularly.
When we met for a drink I'd drive to a country pub for a meal and a chat instead of the pubs/clubs in town.
I'm not claiming I 'fixed' him for one minute, but I did want to lean in as did a few of his old mates.
If a friend is throwing you hints, it means something IMO.
The guys moved right out of that phase now. Got back into his jogging, started looking for a better job with prospects better suited to what he originally studied etc.
Ironically his career is doing pretty well now and due to his travel we don't keep in contact much
He then started actively talking to me about it (very similar to what your friend is saying) when we occasionally met.
My view was that it was all about the company he was keeping - again not totally different from how your OP, but maybe he'd gone a bit deeper.
Easy to tell him to 'stop hanging around with them', so I just started inviting him to other stuff and keeping in contact more, even just regular "Alright chap, all good?"
Eventually got him to play 5-aside which he liked and started to join regularly.
When we met for a drink I'd drive to a country pub for a meal and a chat instead of the pubs/clubs in town.
I'm not claiming I 'fixed' him for one minute, but I did want to lean in as did a few of his old mates.
If a friend is throwing you hints, it means something IMO.
The guys moved right out of that phase now. Got back into his jogging, started looking for a better job with prospects better suited to what he originally studied etc.
Ironically his career is doing pretty well now and due to his travel we don't keep in contact much
I have a fair bit of experience of addiction and addicts - including my own wife - am basically surrounded by them due to the nature of my working environment, and have seen numerous friends lives ruined, and in some cases, sadly ended, by various substances.
The fact that your friend has even acknowledged she may have an issue is good, as many will deny it until- and beyond- the point where it is clear that they have a problem. That you don't partake and she is confiding in you, is a giveaway imho.
The problem with cocaine is not a physical addiction, as it is not physically addictive - not like, say, heroin. The problem with it is a psychological and social addiction- don't underestimate the clique created by disappearing into a toilet cubicle together to do something secret, illegal and that is a 'bonding experience' (not my words), or sitting round a table racking them out. Friends, 'friends', and social circle is a huge issue with it, and without changing or eliminating that, it is made a hundred times harder both to quit in the first place, and to avoid relapse.
If she already needs to limit it to just weekends- as in, she is already doing it in the week as well- then she already has a sizeable habit. However, as with most addictions, the first step is recognizing that you have a problem, and the next step is actually doing something about it.
Her nose will be hurting because of the cut.
The fact that your friend has even acknowledged she may have an issue is good, as many will deny it until- and beyond- the point where it is clear that they have a problem. That you don't partake and she is confiding in you, is a giveaway imho.
The problem with cocaine is not a physical addiction, as it is not physically addictive - not like, say, heroin. The problem with it is a psychological and social addiction- don't underestimate the clique created by disappearing into a toilet cubicle together to do something secret, illegal and that is a 'bonding experience' (not my words), or sitting round a table racking them out. Friends, 'friends', and social circle is a huge issue with it, and without changing or eliminating that, it is made a hundred times harder both to quit in the first place, and to avoid relapse.
If she already needs to limit it to just weekends- as in, she is already doing it in the week as well- then she already has a sizeable habit. However, as with most addictions, the first step is recognizing that you have a problem, and the next step is actually doing something about it.
Her nose will be hurting because of the cut.
Edited by GCH on Sunday 4th October 21:49
bramley said:
...She could be really struggling mentally...
The amount used has increased over the last 4-6 weeks I guess. I know roughly what's going on in her life. It's potentially related to one thing, and partially to another (sorry to be vague)bramley said:
...OP if you want to pm me I'm happy to offer what support I can.
Thanks. At the risk of sounding rude. Have you background in this?bramley said:
...I guess the people that are saying walk away are the same people that say 'cheer up' to people with depression.
I've had mutual friends tell me to do that. I know WHY they say it tbf. They think that I'm putting my sanity in jeopardy trying to "save the damsel in distress" "Ho into a Housewife" has been used.Matt UK said:
I had a mate a while back, late 90s, ...
So did I. Was E's not Coke. Ultimately threw away his career and I lost touch with him. I've also had a ex from 6 years ago who started to get into coke. And the arguments/ her continuing usage became the reason we split up. I have no idea what happened to her, bar she had a kid and moved up north somewhere. I do wonder if those are driving my interest in this girls health. Not sure that's the best place to be coming from though.Matt UK said:
My view was that it was all about the company he was keeping - again not totally different from how your OP, but maybe he'd gone a bit deeper.
Easy to tell him to 'stop hanging around with them', so I just started inviting him to other stuff and keeping in contact more, even just regular "Alright chap, all good?"
I've been thinking of trying just that, but I don't want to all of a sudden really up my contact or it could backfire. I'll give her a few days space and see how she is. Easy to tell him to 'stop hanging around with them', so I just started inviting him to other stuff and keeping in contact more, even just regular "Alright chap, all good?"
Matt UK said:
When we met for a drink I'd drive to a country pub for a meal and a chat instead of the pubs/clubs in town.
I had the same plan. As I said in the OP. She's from a different background. She has NEVER been to anywhere that you or I would call classy. Problem with that is she's a quite attractive girl. She also has a BF (who you can guess is not that healthy for her) so I have to be careful about how I phrase stuff or it looks like a date! And she's almost certainly not attracted to me, so I don't want her to not go, because she thinks I'm trying it on. Can't ask for mutual to tag along because all our mutual think I should run far away. Plus she might not open up as much.GCH said:
...
That you don't partake and she is confiding in you, is a giveaway imho.
Maybe. Maybe not. I really can't say for sure though. Could easily be Attention seeking. Could be "I trust him to listen" Can't tell at this point.That you don't partake and she is confiding in you, is a giveaway imho.
GCH said:
... don't underestimate the clique created by disappearing into a toilet cubicle together to do something secret, illegal and that is a 'bonding experience'
Seen that "look" they give each other when they are off to powder their noses in the Ladies. Makes me sad. Reminds me of my ex and her friends.GCH said:
Her nose will be hurting because of the cut.
Horse de-wormer!As ever though. Thanks for all the replies. I won't mention it first. She needs to mention it to me. If she does OK, if she doesn't then I just have to be a bit more patient.
Edited by Rich_W on Sunday 4th October 22:08
Edited by Rich_W on Monday 5th October 00:48
Rich_W said:
Horse de-wormer!
Don't knock it, seems to cheer up my girlfriend's horse...
On a more serious note, I'd say that unless you're going to be able to entice her into a more 'desirable' environment (i.e. friends and hobbies that aren't self destructive) then let her get on with it. If she's talking to you about it then she knows she shouldn't be indulging in it. Personally I think if you're up against a coke-head, wannabe gangster boyfriend then you're onto a loser.
Matt UK said:
I had a mate a while back, late 90s, and we were starting to lose contact as he was slipping in this direction - it's just not my thing.
I think this would concern me more than the OP as my grandparents are getting towards that age (mid-late 90's) and I really can't imagine that if they got involved in that scene it would turn out well.You say you are friends. How close?
A bit of coke socially now and then is no problem. The main problem is her friends by the sound of it. You have already said you can't do anything about that.
This is going to sound harsh but I start to distance myself from her, I'm assuming she's an adult, leave her to it. She will either come around by herself or not. I suspect you have no bearing on which way it will go, you will just get caught up in dramas. Awaits ph white knights telling me I'm evil. I'm not taking a moral stance on drugs a) that would be hypocritical and b) I'm all in favour of legalisation.
I'm also wondering how she can afford it, have you seen how much it is these days.
A bit of coke socially now and then is no problem. The main problem is her friends by the sound of it. You have already said you can't do anything about that.
This is going to sound harsh but I start to distance myself from her, I'm assuming she's an adult, leave her to it. She will either come around by herself or not. I suspect you have no bearing on which way it will go, you will just get caught up in dramas. Awaits ph white knights telling me I'm evil. I'm not taking a moral stance on drugs a) that would be hypocritical and b) I'm all in favour of legalisation.
I'm also wondering how she can afford it, have you seen how much it is these days.
sc0tt said:
How much are we talking?
Hard to be specific. Lets assume a gram or 2 between 3-4 of her and mates. But it was the regularity that has changed. Once every other week. Seems to have become more often twice a week (granted not EVERY week. Depends on who she's socialising with) As I've said earlier. This is not the tipping point. And as someone above said Coke is a "social drug" I don't think she's snorting lines from her bedroom on her own just yet.Pesty said:
You say you are friends. How close?
Close enough that I could phone her right now and have a long chat with her "Hows your day been? Hows the BF?" without too much trouble. (subject to what shes up to obviously) Some would say "Older brother" If that's not a bit OTT. She's an only child, lives with her Dad. Whom I've also met. But I've never bought her flowers. HTH 
Pesty said:
I'm also wondering how she can afford it, have you seen how much it is these days.
Pass. Though the other day when I saw her she said she was skint. I said, but you just got paid. Yeah I know I spent most of it already. Granted she's not on great wages, but either her car is really burning the petrol at the moment (small supermini) Or it's going elsewhere. And it's not like she has any hobbies or sports she plays. Though in her defence she's cut back on cigarettes recently.Reading this thread again. I'm still kind of torn. Sometime I think I'm over reacting and sometimes I think the opposite. Time will tell how/when/if this changes.
Edited by Rich_W on Thursday 8th October 21:09
Japveesix said:
Matt UK said:
I had a mate a while back, late 90s, and we were starting to lose contact as he was slipping in this direction - it's just not my thing.
I think this would concern me more than the OP as my grandparents are getting towards that age (mid-late 90's) and I really can't imagine that if they got involved in that scene it would turn out well.
missed that
Pesty said:
I'm also wondering how she can afford it, have you seen how much it is these days.
Had some chats over the last few days with her on this very subject, so thought I'd update and conclude this s
t. Prepare for "you couldn't make it up!" moment 
So like most 20Somethings these days, she lives beyond her means. So we have Car finance & Insurance, Credit Card loaded with designer accessories, Trainers & an iPad. Shes been arguing with her dad because she's behind on the rent (He's not being unreasonable, he works 2 jobs as it is to keep a roof over their heads!) Christmas is coming, so she HAS to buy presents for people. Seems unable to go a day without going to the pub/coffee shop (depending on social group) which obviously is not cheap. And as the cherry on top she owes dealers (plural!) money for various substances. (one is unlikely to chase her for money, the other seems to be ok with her sliding for a while since she'll buy more in the future. She's not about to get beat up or worse yet afaik)
But don't worry for her solution to this is to chuck a dealer she knows "that I trust as Ive known him years!"
£200 so he can then buy a bigger package and sell it in a week and she'll get double the money back in a week. (as if it was those sorts of margins at this bottom of the barrel level!) The hints were this has been prompted by going with someone recently to buy some. (the glamour of it all I guess) I've told her "I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think it's good. And as a friend, who you trust, if you do go down this route be very, VERY careful!!" She said it's only till she sorts herself out. But I think we've all heard that before.(Side story, saw a guy do 2 and a half for possession. He was just a driver, but became a patsy for that group!
)Despite my protestations, she seems to think this is completely risk free! That as she wont touch the stuff she'll be fine. Sadly the CPS website suggests financial gain is 2-7 years. And the way this motley bunch operate they are destined to get caught! One is currently on remand for breaking his suspended sentence. f
ktards! She also told me this plan whilst sitting in a well known coffee chain, so discretion is not an option it seems.This is MY tipping point. I'm not going to lend her money, since it won't help. I can't tell her Dad. She's not listening to me when I tell her this is a cack idea (Women huh!
) And she's swerved my invite for free coffee (wanted to face2face her about this scheme) as she was out with these dicks 2 nights running and was feeling ill. Part of me wants her to get ripped off to teach her a lesson. But then what would she do next?I really can't see a solution to this anymore. My hopes were to try and get her to spend more time with her sensible friends, not the w
kers. But this has escalated far more than I envisaged. I considered sitting with her and trying to work out a plan to get out of debt, but she'd likely not stick to it anyway. I'm going to cut back on my contact over the next few weeks. Something I really didn't want to do, but I'm not seeing any way to help anymore.It's funny, before this summer, she never really hung around in this group. She had a job she loved and seemed quite content generally. Certainly no pics on her FB of the idiots. And her friends she used to hang around with also don't see her so much judging from postings. I think her best friend got a bf, so she was a bit "lost" for a time so ended up in the wrong group.
It's such a waste.
Oakey said:
hardly makes them Pablo Escobar
Clearly. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. And as she's easily led at times. I predict this will not end well. And I'd rather not be there to see/become involved by association by it.(Or more accurately be there to fruitlessly try and pick up the pieces like a mug)
Rich_W said:
Clearly. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. And as she's easily led at times. I predict this will not end well. And I'd rather not be there to see/become involved by association by it.
(Or more accurately be there to fruitlessly try and pick up the pieces like a mug)
No what I mean is, her plan to give this guy £200 so he can get a 'bigger package' so she can double her money. She's deluded. It's peanuts. What sort of 'dealer' needs to borrow £200 to buy drugs to sell? Even complete f(Or more accurately be there to fruitlessly try and pick up the pieces like a mug)
kups can usually get some credit.She's subbing him £200 to buy coke - what does that buy? fk all is my wager, £40/gram = 5 grams or just less than a sixth of an ounce, he'd certainly be getting it cheaper no doubt but wow, big f'ing wow.....
Someone said she'd be turning tricks within six month, probably will be too, all for a bit of coke, what a tool.
k all is my wager, £40/gram = 5 grams or just less than a sixth of an ounce, he'd certainly be getting it cheaper no doubt but wow, big f'ing wow..... Someone said she'd be turning tricks within six month, probably will be too, all for a bit of coke, what a tool.
Oakey said:
No what I mean is, her plan to give this guy £200 so he can get a 'bigger package' so she can double her money. She's deluded. It's peanuts. What sort of 'dealer' needs to borrow £200 to buy drugs to sell? Even complete fkups can usually get some credit.
Indeed. It all seems suspect to me. Like they are just going to rip her off or set her up. As you say its not a lot in the greatscale of things, but I'd rather she gave it to her Dad tbh. But horses and water spring to mind.kups can usually get some credit.Axionknight said:
She's subbing him £200 to buy coke - what does that buy? fk all is my wager, £40/gram = 5 grams or just less than a sixth of an ounce, he'd certainly be getting it cheaper no doubt but wow, big f'ing wow.....
Someone said she'd be turning tricks within six month, probably will be too, all for a bit of coke, what a tool.
One of my friends who vaguely knows her said the tricks part to me. He's also of the "leave her to it" group that I was trying to ignore (yes I'm an idiot) until this new "plan" was revealed.k all is my wager, £40/gram = 5 grams or just less than a sixth of an ounce, he'd certainly be getting it cheaper no doubt but wow, big f'ing wow..... Someone said she'd be turning tricks within six month, probably will be too, all for a bit of coke, what a tool.
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