Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

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Laurel Green

30,770 posts

231 months

Thursday 28th July 2016
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Laurel Green

30,770 posts

231 months

Thursday 28th July 2016
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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Thursday 28th July 2016
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said "It reminded me of a peanut".
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied "No... salty"

silverfoxcc

7,683 posts

144 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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Chap walks his girlfiend home one night from the pub. Whilst canoodling at the doorstep, asks if he can use the loo. GF says, 'It's a bit late and it's next to parents bedroom, you might wake them, why not use the sink in the kitchen?

He says OK

come back 5 mins later and asks 'Got any loo paper?

mickk

28,772 posts

241 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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The Mrs just went mental at me for not opening the car door for her!




I just panicked and swam to the surface.


vixen1700

22,669 posts

269 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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silverfoxcc said:
Chap walks his girlfiend home one night from the pub. Whilst canoodling at the doorstep, asks if he can use the loo. GF says, 'It's a bit late and it's next to parents bedroom, you might wake them, why not use the sink in the kitchen?

He says OK

come back 5 mins later and asks 'Got any loo paper?
Made me laugh more than it should. hehe

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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Vipers

32,799 posts

227 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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MartG said:
I must have ducked, didn't understand it.

And I eggspect it won't be there long. Not yoking.




smile

gadgetmac

14,984 posts

107 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on the carpet

...but only for about 20 seconds

gadgetmac

14,984 posts

107 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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"Does it come with a guarantee?" asked my customer.

"Don't worry, madam" I replied. "Nothing leaves this shop until I'm completely satisfied."

"That's reassuring," she smiled.

"No it isn't," I said as I locked the door.

gadgetmac

14,984 posts

107 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Laurel Green

30,770 posts

231 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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Vipers

32,799 posts

227 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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Laurel Green said:
RIP Pat....................



frown

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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An admiral visits one of the ships under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the chef to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The chef replied, "Well, sir, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia."
Horrified the admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The chef shrugs, and replies, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."

Laurel Green

30,770 posts

231 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."

mickk

28,772 posts

241 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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hehe

I heard it when it was a bacon slicer.

Sam All

3,101 posts

100 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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PC laugh

Vipers

32,799 posts

227 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”

“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”

“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”




smile

peter tdci

1,754 posts

149 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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mickk said:
hehe

I heard it when it was a bacon slicer.
I thought that the problem was that Bill kept sitting on the bacon slicer and, as a result, the customers got a little behind with their orders.

Laurel Green

30,770 posts

231 months

Friday 29th July 2016
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The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
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