Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[anonymous-user]

Tony 1234 said:

easytiger123 said:

Fluffsri said:

Have you walked 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

If you did you may be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers now!

Very good!

+1

501 miles? Wont work.

[K12beano]

V6Pushfit said:

Tony 1234 said:

easytiger123 said:

Fluffsri said:

Have you walked 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

If you did you may be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers now!

Very good!

+1

501 miles? Wont work.

Levis alone

[Vipers]

[Hugo a Gogo]

I went out with a Russian model once, she was so full of herself

[kowalski655]

I went out with a Welsh girl with 38DD's....that was one hell of a surname!

[MartG]

On a chest of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale
For the sake of the blind
On her behind
Was precisely the same but in Braille

[Sticks.]

Chris Eubank was recently promoting a book he'd written on ethics.
He said if it sold well he'd write one on Kent next.

[Evangelion]

There was a young lass from Kilkenny,
Whose price, we are told, was a penny.
But for half of that sum
You could fondle her bum -
A source of amusement for many.

[Freds]

There was a young man from Nepal who had a hexagonal ball
The square of its weight plus a penis times eight made exactly three-fifths of fk all.

[don4l]

There was a young man from Ghent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
So, to save himself trouble
He put it in double
and instead of coming, he went!

[Freds]

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
Then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide... he peered inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.

[Freds]

There was a young woman from Crewe
Who remarked as the Vicar withdrew
The Bishop was quicker, and thicker and slicker
And two inches longer than you.

[silverfoxcc]

He grasped me by my slender neck
i could not call or scream
He took me to his dingy room
Where he could not be seen
He stripped me of my flimsy wrap
and gazed upon my form
i was so clod and damp and scared
And he was flushed and warm
He pressed his feverish lips to mine
I could not make him stop
He drained me of my very self
I gave him every drop
He made me what i am today
That's why you find me here
A broken bottle in the kerb
That once was filled with beer

[MartG]

My friend is called Roger Shot-Gun. He's very proud of his double-barrelled name.

[YankeePorker]

There was an old bishop from Birmingham,
Who played with young girls whilst confirming 'em,
While they knelt seeking god,
He excited his rod,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em.

[Halmyre]

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ear
And said "you can't swim here, it's private!"

[silverfoxcc]

There was a young man from Mid Wales
Lived off the foreskins of snails
When he couldn't get these
He lived off the cheese
Which he picked from his prick with his nails



A policeman from near Clapham Junction
Had a penis that just wouldn't function
For the rest of his life
He misled his poor wife
With some snot on the end of his truncheon



A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill
When they learned of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill

[Vipers]

There was a lady from Lynn,

who was very exceptionally thin.

w she essayed to drink lemonade,

she slipped down the straw and fell in.

[Sticks.]

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a I could fk it.

[LordGrover]

Isn't there a separate topic for limericks? If not, feel free to start one and keep that st out of the jokes thread.