Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

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Shoegrip

399 posts

90 months

Thursday 20th October 2016
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schmunk said:
Which did you go for, 7 or 7 Plus?
smile

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Thursday 20th October 2016
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These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Thursday 20th October 2016
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MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Thursday 20th October 2016
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My wife loves helping with those little DIY tasks around the home.

Right now she's testing the smoke detectors, or as she likes to call it, cooking

fatboy18

18,930 posts

210 months

Thursday 20th October 2016
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MartG said:
My wife loves helping with those little DIY tasks around the home.

Right now she's testing the smoke detectors, or as she likes to call it, cooking
hehe that made me chuckle biggrin

DavieW

743 posts

107 months

Thursday 20th October 2016
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Johnspex

4,332 posts

183 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Lordbenny said:
Err, I don't get it.....apart from the fact that people buying iPhones are like sheep in that they all buy them when it comes out but shirley that cant be the joke can it?
Do you still think the Shirley joke is funny or can you really not spell? It's surely for FFS.

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Johnspex

4,332 posts

183 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Lordbenny said:
Err, I don't get it.....apart from the fact that people buying iPhones are like sheep in that they all buy them when it comes out but shirley that cant be the joke can it?
Do you still think the Shirley joke is funny or can you really not spell? It's surely for FFS.

010101

1,305 posts

147 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Lordbenny said:
Err, I don't get it.....apart from the fact that people buying iPhones are like sheep in that they all buy them when it comes out but FFS that cant be the joke can it?

PoleDriver

28,616 posts

193 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Johnspex said:
Do you still think the Shirley joke is funny or can you really not spell? It's surely for FFS.
We heard you the first time! biggrin

ApOrbital

9,942 posts

117 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Shirley it's a take on aeroplane ?

Gargamel

14,958 posts

260 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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ApOrbital said:
Shirley it's a take on aeroplane ?
Yes it is and don't call me Shirley

northwest monkey

6,370 posts

188 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Johnspex said:
Lordbenny said:
Err, I don't get it.....apart from the fact that people buying iPhones are like sheep in that they all buy them when it comes out but shirley that cant be the joke can it?
Do you still think the Shirley joke is funny or can you really not spell? It's surely for FFS.
Just for future reference, "FFS" is an acronym for "For fks Sake", so putting a "for" in front of FFS is wrong. See also "PIN number".

I agree about the "Shirley" thing though. It's as funny as "Fleabay", "Paypoo", "Poogeot" etc.

smile

Usget

5,426 posts

210 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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northwest monkey said:
I agree about the "Shirley" thing though. It's as funny as "Fleabay", "Paypoo", "Poogeot" etc.

smile
Nope. Because they weren't in Airplane, and the Shirley joke was. Anything which comes from Airplane is funny.

I don't make the rules, so don't blame me.

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Usget said:
northwest monkey said:
I agree about the "Shirley" thing though. It's as funny as "Fleabay", "Paypoo", "Poogeot" etc.

smile
Nope. Because they weren't in Airplane, and the Shirley joke was. Anything which comes from Airplane is funny.

I don't make the rules, so don't blame me.
Roger Roger. Over

fatboy18

18,930 posts

210 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Surely you Can't be Serious?


MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Evangelion

7,640 posts

177 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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If she was a couple of inches taller, she could have used the footrest as well!

(Back in the 80s, we used to say that the reason Volvos had such huge bumpers, was so that they could double as picnic tables.)

Lordbenny

8,575 posts

218 months

Friday 21st October 2016
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Johnspex said:
Do you still think the Shirley joke is funny or can you really not spell? It's surely for FFS.
Jeez, someone got out of bed on the wrong side this morning!
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