Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there
was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your
Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a
short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on
my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The
King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.>
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.>
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it
will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring
dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and
most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day!!
Expecting to have it pointed out that this was in Vol 6........
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there
was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your
Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a
short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on
my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The
King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.>
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.>
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it
will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring
dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and
most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day!!
Expecting to have it pointed out that this was in Vol 6........
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE LASS
The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but
on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
and put away.
The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a lass from Yorkshire. He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees
The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but
on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
and put away.
The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a lass from Yorkshire. He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees
Vaud said:
V6Pushfit said:
Ok I see your warming up so let's have the corker
No need to be an arse.Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the till keeps putting it back.
Today's top fact: 50% of Canada is A
3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.
V6Pushfit said:
Vaud said:
V6Pushfit said:
Ok I see your warming up so let's have the corker
No need to be an arse.Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the till keeps putting it back.
Today's top fact: 50% of Canada is A
3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.
schmunk said:
melhookv12 said:
He's from Waltham Cross, I don't think I can even go there.
"Have you ever been to Waltham Cross?""No, I'm always in a good mood..."
Do you know Nevilles Cross?
I knew him when he was just upset!
Do you know Bishop Auckland?
I knew him when he was just a Vicar!
Edited by Skyedriver on Saturday 3rd December 21:47
dartissimus said:
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE LASS
Three blokes talking.First bloke, a Scotsman, brags that when he makes love to his wife he puts on some mood music, slowly remove sher clothes, kisses her all over and then when they make love she floats 6 inches above the bed.
Second bloke, an Irishman, brags that when he makes love to his wife, he puts the lights down low, brushes her body with a feather boa, gently massages her all over and when the eventually make love she floats 12 inches above the bed.
Third bloke, a Yorkshireman, brags that last night when he wanted to make love to his wife, he charged into the bedroom like a bull, pushed her onto the bed, had his way with her, got up wiped his cock on the curtains.
She hit the roof..........
Mastiff said:
Definition of a Wok?
It's what you throw a wabbits if you haven't got a wifle.
It's what you throw a wabbits if you haven't got a wifle.
I'm having that oneETA
(With reference to the old kid's joke)
If you weigh a whale at a whale-weigh station, where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow
Edited by Skyrat on Saturday 3rd December 22:52
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