Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
t. Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds 3 times every day.'
Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts 3 times every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he said, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'
Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds 3 times every day.'
Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts 3 times every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he said, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'
'Nother oldie.
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read..
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices!
We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear
our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each.
And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read..
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices!
We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear
our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each.
And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
MartG said:
Breaking Bad UK only had 1 episode....
( though Jeremy Hunt is trying to change that )
So the NHS will provide wealth so that a dead man's family will be taken care of after his death, will it? Because that is what Mr White wanted to make money for. NHS, bloody marvelous I say.( though Jeremy Hunt is trying to change that )
Edited by Ayahuasca on Friday 12th February 21:59
Ayahuasca said:
MartG said:
Breaking Bad UK only had 1 episode....
( though Jeremy Hunt is trying to change that )
So the NHS will provide wealth so that a dead man's family will be taken care of after his death, will it? Because that is what Mr White wanted to make money for. NHS, bloody marvelous I say.( though Jeremy Hunt is trying to change that )
Edited by Ayahuasca on Friday 12th February 21:59
The first lines are from Steve Miller's song "The Joker".
Starbucks now ask you your name so they can write it on the paper cup and call you over personally when it is ready. People don't like this so give them stupid names to write on the cup.
Next time, I will give them "kitter dissector"
Starbucks now ask you your name so they can write it on the paper cup and call you over personally when it is ready. People don't like this so give them stupid names to write on the cup.
Next time, I will give them "kitter dissector"
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