Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself - but he was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began pencilling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?
The Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him, shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper and longer for a plausible answer and, after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in!
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that the word you’re looking for is, ‘aunt.’”
"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word,
"You wouldn't happen to have a rubber, would you??"
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself - but he was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began pencilling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?
The Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him, shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper and longer for a plausible answer and, after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in!
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that the word you’re looking for is, ‘aunt.’”
"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word,
"You wouldn't happen to have a rubber, would you??"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Crap, am I driving?"
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Crap, am I driving?"
EskimoArapaho said:
Monkeylegend said:
Prak said:
Or the Russian with three testicles .... Eugenica Bolokov
He stole one off his brother Ivor.And the Russian prostitute: Geton Yourbackubi tch
ks thread.Laurel Green said:
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself - but he was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began pencilling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?
The Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him, shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper and longer for a plausible answer and, after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in!
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that the word you’re looking for is, ‘aunt.’”
"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word,
"You wouldn't happen to have a rubber, would you??"
"Your Greatness"...."This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself - but he was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began pencilling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?
The Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him, shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper and longer for a plausible answer and, after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in!
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that the word you’re looking for is, ‘aunt.’”
"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word,
"You wouldn't happen to have a rubber, would you??"
..
....very good
Hugo a Gogo said:
And Mohammed was actually a bint.Mothersruin said:
Hugo a Gogo said:
And Mohammed was actually a bint.85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
Went in to the model shop today to get a train set for my young nephew.
Eventually I chose the Virgin West Coast Intercity set.
I arrived at the checkout and paid up and was just leaving when the assistant calls me back and presents me with another box.
"What's this?" I asked.
"This is the free replacement bus service, sir."
Anyway, to continue I duly delivered the train set to my nephew.
He asked "Virgin Trains? Does that mean they are new, clean and pure?"
"No," I replied, "They are 16 years old, filthy and probably won't go all the way."
Eventually I chose the Virgin West Coast Intercity set.
I arrived at the checkout and paid up and was just leaving when the assistant calls me back and presents me with another box.
"What's this?" I asked.
"This is the free replacement bus service, sir."
Anyway, to continue I duly delivered the train set to my nephew.
He asked "Virgin Trains? Does that mean they are new, clean and pure?"
"No," I replied, "They are 16 years old, filthy and probably won't go all the way."
K12beano said:
....and it's all made up by men who like wearing frocks....
In this context, not sure Buddhism should be included with most other religions. Pretty sure Buddhists haven't gone on rampages like Christian crusades and Islamic fatwas.They're kinda cuddly and maybe talk you to death though.
LordGrover said:
K12beano said:
....and it's all made up by men who like wearing frocks....
In this context, not sure Buddhism should be included with most other religions. Pretty sure Buddhists haven't gone on rampages like Christian crusades and Islamic fatwas.They're kinda cuddly and maybe talk you to death though.
[/Neil]LordGrover said:
K12beano said:
....and it's all made up by men who like wearing frocks....
In this context, not sure Buddhism should be included with most other religions. Pretty sure Buddhists haven't gone on rampages like Christian crusades and Islamic fatwas.They're kinda cuddly and maybe talk you to death though.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhism_and_violenc...
OK, not as bad as some, but it's still there.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff