Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.
Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.
Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?
It was spring, and time for the Vikings to go off raiding and pillaging. Just before he left, Olaf asked his old, blind mum if there was anything she'd like him to get for her in the land of the Angles? She thought for a moment, and asked him to look out for a new sink, as it was a terrible problem trying to wash the dishes when you couldn't see them and they were all over the place. So Olaf said, sure, he'd get her the best sink an axe through the skull could buy.
Well, they had a great old time, sailing up and down the English coast, killing, looting, sacking, killing, burning, raping, pillaging and, just for good measure, killing a few more. Just as they were about to embark for the last time, their longship loaded to the gunwhales with loot and booty, to return to the land of their fathers, Olaf suddenly remembered his old mother and her parting request. "Hold on a minute, lads!" said Olaf, and with that her returned to the smouldering ruins of their last raid.
Well, he searched high and low, but he just could not find a sink. But, at one end of the burning burgh, they'd been doing some building work, and there, beside a pile of stones, was a hod. Olaf looked at it and decided he could nail another bit of wood on the open end, and that would be fine. So that's what he did.
Oh, his old mum was so pleased to see her boy back home, and with so much plunder, too! But ... did he remember her parting wish? Of course he had, and ... well, he couldn't find an actual sink, but ... would this do? His old mum took her son's offering and felt around it ... Olaf filled it with cean, hot water and all the dirty dishes he could find, guided his old mum to it ... and she was as happy as a happy thing!
Which goes to show ... a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse.
Well, they had a great old time, sailing up and down the English coast, killing, looting, sacking, killing, burning, raping, pillaging and, just for good measure, killing a few more. Just as they were about to embark for the last time, their longship loaded to the gunwhales with loot and booty, to return to the land of their fathers, Olaf suddenly remembered his old mother and her parting request. "Hold on a minute, lads!" said Olaf, and with that her returned to the smouldering ruins of their last raid.
Well, he searched high and low, but he just could not find a sink. But, at one end of the burning burgh, they'd been doing some building work, and there, beside a pile of stones, was a hod. Olaf looked at it and decided he could nail another bit of wood on the open end, and that would be fine. So that's what he did.
Oh, his old mum was so pleased to see her boy back home, and with so much plunder, too! But ... did he remember her parting wish? Of course he had, and ... well, he couldn't find an actual sink, but ... would this do? His old mum took her son's offering and felt around it ... Olaf filled it with cean, hot water and all the dirty dishes he could find, guided his old mum to it ... and she was as happy as a happy thing!
Which goes to show ... a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse.
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