Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A guy visits Amsterdam and whilst there meets and fall in love with a young lady. He moves in with her and gets a job, which means he is out all day and the girlfriend is lonely. She asks if he will buy her a pet.
"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"
"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.
Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop.
"I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"
The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"
"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.
At next pet shop he asks the same question.
The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.
At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed.
"Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.
At the last petshop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer.
"I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"
"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.
He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper.............................................................................
EXCUSE ME...............HOW DUTCH IS THAT MOGGIE IN THE WINDOW ?
"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"
"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.
Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop.
"I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"
The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"
"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.
At next pet shop he asks the same question.
The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.
At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed.
"Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.
At the last petshop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer.
"I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"
"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.
He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper.............................................................................
EXCUSE ME...............HOW DUTCH IS THAT MOGGIE IN THE WINDOW ?
bomma220 said:
GloverMart said:
My new dating web site for chickens has not turned into the financial success that I was hoping for.
I'm struggling to make hens meet.
Oh dear. Can you not post an advert for a cockatoo to help?I'm struggling to make hens meet.
PoleDriver said:
bomma220 said:
GloverMart said:
My new dating web site for chickens has not turned into the financial success that I was hoping for.
I'm struggling to make hens meet.
Oh dear. Can you not post an advert for a cockatoo to help?I'm struggling to make hens meet.
wilfandrowlf said:
Let us run with it, it is eggsactly what the doctor ordered to sort out the pecking order. No NHS help available, I had to go private but the bill was chickenfeed really, the doctor was certainly not feathering his own nest on my payments.
Only yolking...
MartG said:
It was spring, and time for the Vikings to go off raiding and pillaging. Just before he left, Olaf asked his old, blind mum if there was anything she'd like him to get for her in the land of the Angles? She thought for a moment, and asked him to look out for a new sink, as it was a terrible problem trying to wash the dishes when you couldn't see them and they were all over the place. So Olaf said, sure, he'd get her the best sink an axe through the skull could buy.
Well, they had a great old time, sailing up and down the English coast, killing, looting, sacking, killing, burning, raping, pillaging and, just for good measure, killing a few more. Just as they were about to embark for the last time, their longship loaded to the gunwhales with loot and booty, to return to the land of their fathers, Olaf suddenly remembered his old mother and her parting request. "Hold on a minute, lads!" said Olaf, and with that her returned to the smouldering ruins of their last raid.
Well, he searched high and low, but he just could not find a sink. But, at one end of the burning burgh, they'd been doing some building work, and there, beside a pile of stones, was a hod. Olaf looked at it and decided he could nail another bit of wood on the open end, and that would be fine. So that's what he did.
Oh, his old mum was so pleased to see her boy back home, and with so much plunder, too! But ... did he remember her parting wish? Of course he had, and ... well, he couldn't find an actual sink, but ... would this do? His old mum took her son's offering and felt around it ... Olaf filled it with cean, hot water and all the dirty dishes he could find, guided his old mum to it ... and she was as happy as a happy thing!
Which goes to show ... a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse.
Poor Dagfinn The Widowmaker lay mortally wounded on the field of battle, close to breathing his last. But his huge sword was missing. No-one could find it. As Dagfinn's lifeblood ran into the muddy ground, his heartbroken sobbing brought tears to the other Vikings' eyes. He and his peers knew he'd fought with immense valour but without his sword he coud never enter Valhalla - his soul would never rest.Nor would his eyes ever see again - one had been pierced by an enemy's sgian dubh - his war dagger. The other was the final resting place of a lucky combatant's arrow. Well, they had a great old time, sailing up and down the English coast, killing, looting, sacking, killing, burning, raping, pillaging and, just for good measure, killing a few more. Just as they were about to embark for the last time, their longship loaded to the gunwhales with loot and booty, to return to the land of their fathers, Olaf suddenly remembered his old mother and her parting request. "Hold on a minute, lads!" said Olaf, and with that her returned to the smouldering ruins of their last raid.
Well, he searched high and low, but he just could not find a sink. But, at one end of the burning burgh, they'd been doing some building work, and there, beside a pile of stones, was a hod. Olaf looked at it and decided he could nail another bit of wood on the open end, and that would be fine. So that's what he did.
Oh, his old mum was so pleased to see her boy back home, and with so much plunder, too! But ... did he remember her parting wish? Of course he had, and ... well, he couldn't find an actual sink, but ... would this do? His old mum took her son's offering and felt around it ... Olaf filled it with cean, hot water and all the dirty dishes he could find, guided his old mum to it ... and she was as happy as a happy thing!
Which goes to show ... a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse.
Dagfinn's fellow warriors searched the area assiduously but the sword simply couldn't be found. So, they brought Aileen the soothsayer. This unbelievably wise, aged woman could look deep into Dagfinn's mind and was practically able to read his thoughts. She spoke ancient blessings, trying to steer the dying warrior toward his rest. But alas, Dagfinn was not to be soothed...he knew he was bound for Viking purgatory.
\the warriors called for Eirik The Guardian. Eirik was a hugely important man. They called him The Guardian because should one warrior steal from another, Eirik would talk to the warriors, find the thief, reinstate the stolen items and punish the thief. He was firm but fair, so all the warriors respected him.
Eirik used the same rudimenatary forensic skills that meant he'd always findthe missing items, from prized cloak pins,to noble weapons that had been passed from generation to generation, to a stolen faithful hound or even a wife taken from her distraught husband.
As Dagfinn drew ever closer to death, Eirik searched and searched. He removed his sandals and trod the damp grass, to see if the sword was buried beyond its bejewelled pommel.He examined the beached longships, looking under each and every thwart, where the warriors sat to row the vessels to war. But the sword was nowhere to be found.
Eirik knew his companions and he was suspicious of one man. Arnvid was a huge, brave, bull-like Viking who would use his massive strength to cleave an enemy's head from his shoulders with one mighty blow. But Arnvid's sword was unusual - a gladius which had once belonged to a Roman warrior. Sadly, it was too short and lacked the immense weight of a true Viking broadsword.
Arnvid's very size was his downfall, it made Eirik suspicious. And Eirik challenged Arnvid, in a bloody fight that lasted nearly an hour. As Eirik's heavy battle club connected with Arnvid's head and knocked him senseless, the Vikings saw the glint of the jewel of Dagfinn's sword glinting through the thick, black hair that hung halfway down Arnvid's broad, muscular back. Arnvid had envied Dagfinn's magnificent sword and spirited it away, hiding it in his clothing.
Eirik put the sword tenderly into Dagfinn's trembling hand. Dagfinn's troubled brow became smooth and with a muttered 'thank you, my brother' he passed away peacefully, bound for Viking heaven.
Wise Aileen tried her very best but could not put Dagfinn's mind entirely at rest, no matter how deeply she probed it. And yet again, the indefatigable Eirik had fulfilled his chosen role and upheld the law - the Viking law that would never permit a Viking to depart for Valhalla unarmed.
And the moral of the story? Merely this: a plod's as good as a shrink to a blind norse.
Edited by davhill on Tuesday 12th April 18:20
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