Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
k off big teeth?Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club ….
She said, are you nuts? You're 79 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card ….
She said to me, Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.
I'm in trouble again, I told her. I signed up for five jumps a week ….
She fainted ….
A visitor at a mental hospital asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
Two blondes in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The blond said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. She returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The blond paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”
After a while, the blond returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
Two blondes in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The blond said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. She returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The blond paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”
After a while, the blond returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Edited by Vipers on Tuesday 26th April 20:46
Ali2202 said:
Evangelion said:
Did you hear about the dyslexic cat who drank himself to death?
He thought he had nine livers.
So many unnecessary words. Ruins the joke..He thought he had nine livers.
Dyslexic cat drank himself to death
Thought he had nine livers.....
(obviously all in the timing)
Or, you could just take a look at the picture from Saturday:MartG said:
john2443 said:
Woman walks into a pub full of Millwall fans and started mouthing off about how crap Millwall are.
One bloke decides that even though she's a woman she deserves a thumping, pulls back his arm and aims a huge punch at her chin.
She feinted.
(Sorry!)
I'm clearly missing something. One bloke decides that even though she's a woman she deserves a thumping, pulls back his arm and aims a huge punch at her chin.
She feinted.
(Sorry!)
Dr Interceptor said:
john2443 said:
Woman walks into a pub full of Millwall fans and started mouthing off about how crap Millwall are.
One bloke decides that even though she's a woman she deserves a thumping, pulls back his arm and aims a huge punch at her chin.
She feinted.
(Sorry!)
I'm clearly missing something. One bloke decides that even though she's a woman she deserves a thumping, pulls back his arm and aims a huge punch at her chin.
She feinted.
(Sorry!)
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