Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
An old one, but maybe some of our members havnt seen it.
When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f
kin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a !" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a!"
One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover , too.
I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two aholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called No.1
"Hello?"
"You're a!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,," and hung up.
Then I called No.2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello,," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
"Well,, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch twos beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.
Now I feel MUCH better.
When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f
kin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a
!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a !" It always cheered me up.When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "
" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a
!"One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover , too.I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a
!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two aholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called No.1"Hello?"
"You're a
!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked."Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
," and hung up.Then I called
No.2. "Hello?" he said."Hello,
," I said.He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
"Well,
, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two
s beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.Now I feel MUCH better.
Have another.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, dhead?Drink your fking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, d
head?Drink your fking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"
Sudden death of "Britain's greatest astrologer*"
Obviously not a surprise to him.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36186391
Obviously not a surprise to him.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36186391
- according to the Daily Fail!
john2443 said:
Sudden death of "Britain's greatest astrologer*"
Obviously not a surprise to him.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36186391
I don't believe you - I would have read it last week.Obviously not a surprise to him.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36186391
- according to the Daily Fail!
Not too mention that there would have been a whole 8.5% of the population died at the same time!
New home required.
This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Shepherd, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 60 ish years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good clean house.
This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Shepherd, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 60 ish years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good clean house.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff