Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

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MartG

20,626 posts

203 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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A bloke's wife goes missing whilst scuba diving reefs off the east coast of Australia. He reports her to the Police as missing, he searches fruitlessly for her, and spends a terrible night worrying about what could have happened to her.
The next morning there's a knock at his door and he opens it to a couple of policemen, an older Sergeant and a young Constable.
The Sergeant says, “Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately we have bad news, but also a couple of bits of good news.”
“I guess I'd better have the bad news first”, says the bloke.
The Sergeant says, “I'm really sorry mate, but your wife’s dead. Young Billy here found her wedged in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead mate.”
The bloke is naturally upset to hear this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sergeant says, “Well, when we got your wife up to the boat there were quite a few good-sized lobsters and a bunch of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you a share.”
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of big lobsters and five crabs in it.
“Gee thanks mate. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that..., so what's the other good news?”
“Well”, the Sergeant says, “If you fancy a quick trip, me and Billy get off duty at 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot on over to the reef and pull her up again.”

MartG

20,626 posts

203 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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MartG

20,626 posts

203 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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schmunk

4,399 posts

124 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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MartG said:
...because he's the kind of tt who puts stickers down the side of his car.

Vipers

32,799 posts

227 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'




smile

Tidybeard

539 posts

188 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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I know this is an oldie but my god it makes me laugh every time - brilliant delivery.

Well worth one minute of your time (perhaps slightly NSFW - it's on youtube but is audio only).

Apologies if repost...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHx8y1rFjdk

Vipers

32,799 posts

227 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door. “Can I have a drink please?”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”

“Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!”

The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!"




smile

Laurel Green

30,770 posts

231 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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Tidybeard said:
I know this is an oldie but my god it makes me laugh every time - brilliant delivery.

Well worth one minute of your time (perhaps slightly NSFW - it's on youtube but is audio only).

Apologies if repost...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHx8y1rFjdk
'Tis a good one is that. thumbup

MartG

20,626 posts

203 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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Vipers

32,799 posts

227 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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A smartly dressed man is sitting at the lights in his Rolls Royce.

He hears a tap tap tap on the window.

He turns and sees a down and out standing by the window, he opens the window and says "Yes"

"Can you spare a few copies sir"

The man says in his upper crust posh voice "Neither a borrower nor a lender be - Shakespeare", winds up the window and drives off.

At the next set of lights, he hears a tap tap tap on the window, it's the same down and out.

He opens the window and says "Yes"

The down and out says "fk Off - D.H.Lawrence"




smile

fatboy18

18,930 posts

210 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi.....

They don't show the Flintstones in Dubai but Abu Dhabi Do biggrin

Jonboy_t

5,038 posts

182 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fking elephant.

fatboy18

18,930 posts

210 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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What do you call a 3 legged Donkey......



.....Wonky biggrin

driverrob

4,687 posts

202 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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fatboy18 said:
What do you call a 3 legged Donkey......



.....Wonky biggrin
Please don't let this fill a whole page again rolleyes

Vipers

32,799 posts

227 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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Chinese proverb.

Man without thumbs, drops bottom half of sandwich.




smile

slybynight

391 posts

120 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot

sp? not my strong point

Edited by slybynight on Tuesday 3rd May 23:20


Edited by slybynight on Tuesday 3rd May 23:21

Joratk

432 posts

109 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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Vipers said:
Chinese proverb.

Man without thumbs, drops bottom half of sandwich.




smile
What's holding the top half?

MartG

20,626 posts

203 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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Lady in the chemists today, very loudly "That stuff you gave me to sort out my ahole hasn't worked!"
Embarrassed assistant, " Really? Why?"
Lady "'Cos the bugger still hasn't found a job."

Laurel Green

30,770 posts

231 months

Tuesday 3rd May 2016
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what ?' At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Evangelion

7,642 posts

177 months

Wednesday 4th May 2016
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I've just got back from a terrible evening at the cinema. Sat next to me was this really annoying woman, feet up on the seat in front, munching away at a packet of crisps, passing loud comment on the film and complaining that she couldn’t see to read the subtitles because she’d brought the wrong glasses.









I remember thinking ...









... “That does it, I’m not bringing her again.”


Edited by Evangelion on Wednesday 4th May 00:29

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