Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Laurel Green said:
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Why is it that if a friend were to get stabbed or shot (pain that most of us will only ever imagine, thankfully), we feel sorry for them. But when a friend gets smacked in the clackers (a pain with which all we can identify), we laugh our socks off at them?Doofus said:
Why is it that if a friend were to get stabbed or shot (pain that most of us will only ever imagine, thankfully), we feel sorry for them. But when a friend gets smacked in the clackers (a pain with which all we can identify), we laugh our socks off at them?
I dont know man, if i see someone getting hit in the nuts properly i dont laugh at it.On the other hand, while it is extremely painful, it is nowhere near as serious as getting shot/stabbed, a few hours/days of sore nads is nothing compared to a knifewound.
Two sign erectors were putting up a sign at Acles And Pollock a few years ago. The chap fixing the letters called down to the other one.
'Hand me up the P'
The guy at the van ha a rummage and calls back. 'We only have a B left'
'Bloody hell' says the first one, 'Get in the van and get back to the London Brick Company'
'Hand me up the P'
The guy at the van ha a rummage and calls back. 'We only have a B left'
'Bloody hell' says the first one, 'Get in the van and get back to the London Brick Company'
silverfoxcc said:
Two sign erectors were putting up a sign at Acles And Pollock a few years ago. The chap fixing the letters called down to the other one.
'Hand me up the P'
The guy at the van ha a rummage and calls back. 'We only have a B left'
'Bloody hell' says the first one, 'Get in the van and get back to the London Brick Company'
What a cock ub...'Hand me up the P'
The guy at the van ha a rummage and calls back. 'We only have a B left'
'Bloody hell' says the first one, 'Get in the van and get back to the London Brick Company'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a new born baby.'
'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Slim says, 'I feel just like a new born baby.'
'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
A lion was taking a drink in the jungle at the local watering hole when all of a sudden an enormous gorilla came stumbling out of the bushes.
Seeing the lions nether regions stuck up in the air he couldn’t resist the urge to mount the lion and have his wicked way with the king of the jungle.
When he had finished the gorilla fled in to the undergrowth as fast as he could leaving a furious lion foaming at the mouth with rage.
Seeking revenge the lion gave chase and is soon hot on the tail of the horny gorilla.
Suddenly the gorilla runs in to a jungle clearing and spots an intrepid explorer sat, having a rest, in a deck chair and reading a copy of The Times.
On seeing the gorilla the explorer decides to run in the opposite direction in fear of his life, sending the deckchair and newspaper flying!
The gorilla thinks for a split second and then decides to sit in the chair and grab the paper, pretending to read it as the furious lion enters the clearing.
Incandescent with rage the breathless lion asks the “person” in the deck chair,
“Have you seen a massive gorilla come this way by any chance?”
“Not the gorilla who sh***ed the lion down by the watering hole is it?” answered the gorilla from behind the newspaper.
“F**k me” replied the lion………
“It’s not in the paper already is it!?”
Before the pedant brigade chip in...... I've no idea if lions and gorillas exist in the same jungles but it is, after all, just a joke.
Seeing the lions nether regions stuck up in the air he couldn’t resist the urge to mount the lion and have his wicked way with the king of the jungle.
When he had finished the gorilla fled in to the undergrowth as fast as he could leaving a furious lion foaming at the mouth with rage.
Seeking revenge the lion gave chase and is soon hot on the tail of the horny gorilla.
Suddenly the gorilla runs in to a jungle clearing and spots an intrepid explorer sat, having a rest, in a deck chair and reading a copy of The Times.
On seeing the gorilla the explorer decides to run in the opposite direction in fear of his life, sending the deckchair and newspaper flying!
The gorilla thinks for a split second and then decides to sit in the chair and grab the paper, pretending to read it as the furious lion enters the clearing.
Incandescent with rage the breathless lion asks the “person” in the deck chair,
“Have you seen a massive gorilla come this way by any chance?”
“Not the gorilla who sh***ed the lion down by the watering hole is it?” answered the gorilla from behind the newspaper.
“F**k me” replied the lion………
“It’s not in the paper already is it!?”
Before the pedant brigade chip in...... I've no idea if lions and gorillas exist in the same jungles but it is, after all, just a joke.
wilfandrowlf said:
Before the pedant brigade chip in...... I've no idea if lions and gorillas exist in the same jungles but it is, after all, just a joke.
No matter, someone will dissect it, go through it with a fine tooth comb, probably starting with "Didn't know Gorillas read the papers" 
But a good try. And a bloody good joke as well
Vipers said:
wilfandrowlf said:
Before the pedant brigade chip in...... I've no idea if lions and gorillas exist in the same jungles but it is, after all, just a joke.
No matter, someone will dissect it, go through it with a fine tooth comb, probably starting with "Didn't know Gorillas read the papers" See, I've started already
k about its star sign just give me a goldfish "GloverMart said:
Vipers said:
wilfandrowlf said:
Before the pedant brigade chip in...... I've no idea if lions and gorillas exist in the same jungles but it is, after all, just a joke.
No matter, someone will dissect it, go through it with a fine tooth comb, probably starting with "Didn't know Gorillas read the papers" See, I've started already
Probably a repost, but I am feeling generous today, so enjoy it.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was quite annoyed by his rude overbearing behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not a single hand went up, so she took them home and enjoyed them.
Two lessons here:
1. Most lawyers are jackasses.
2. All blondes aren't dumb.
And have another.
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was quite annoyed by his rude overbearing behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not a single hand went up, so she took them home and enjoyed them.
Two lessons here:
1. Most lawyers are jackasses.
2. All blondes aren't dumb.
And have another.
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
Edited by Vipers on Thursday 5th May 17:02
An explore is going through the bush in Africa and he comes across a Pygmy standing next to the biggest dead Elephant he'd seen.
"What happened here?" says the explorer.
"Killed this Elephant." says the pygmy.
"What with?" says the explorer.
"With my club." says the pygmy.
"How big is your club?" says the explorer.
"Oh, there must be thirty of us."
"What happened here?" says the explorer.
"Killed this Elephant." says the pygmy.
"What with?" says the explorer.
"With my club." says the pygmy.
"How big is your club?" says the explorer.
"Oh, there must be thirty of us."
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff