Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Vipers]

[MartG]

Einion Yrth said:

MartG said:

It was funny when Monty Python did it.

It could have been blank and still be funnier than anything you've posted in this thread for the last few weeks

[MartG]

"I'm a fan of space. I'm occupying more of it everyday."
--- Stephen Colbert

[mickk]

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "The end of the World is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

[MartG]

[Doofus]

MartG said:

Chapter one, page one of How Not To Tell A Joke.

Why did the teacher sit down and cry? Surely she should ahve said "No, Johnny, you fking cretin, I asked you to use the word 'fascinate'!"

[MartG]

Doofus said:

Chapter one, page one of How Not To Tell A Joke.

Why did the teacher sit down and cry? Surely she should ahve said "No, Johnny, you fking cretin, I asked you to use the word 'fascinate'!"

Aaand another critic who never posts a joke themselves feels the need to vent their bile upon the world...

[Doofus]

MartG said:

Aaand another critic who never posts a joke themselves feels the need to vent their bile upon the world...

I'm part of the audience! I came here to be entertained! If I'd known I had to do some work, I'd have stayed at home! As part of the audience, I am entitled to a critical analysis.

I wasn't criticising you for posting; it was evident that you weren't telling the joke, as you'd copied and pasted from elsewhere. The version I heard many years ago was about the word 'centimetre', but the same applies: If you don't put 'centimetre' in the punchline, then it doesn't work. And it is the punchline. "The teacher sat down and cried" has never been the punchline to any joke ever.

[Escapegoat]

Doofus said:

"The teacher sat down and cried" has never been the punchline to any joke ever.

Indeed. A touch of the "Vipers".

[010101]

Did the teacher have breast envy issues?
I love jokes about big tits. There isn't enough tits on Pistonheads.

[schmunk]

010101 said:

There isn't enough tits on Pistonheads.

I'd say there are far too many.

[Ari]

Doofus said:

Chapter one, page one of How Not To Tell A Joke.

Why did the teacher sit down and cry? Surely she should ahve said "No, Johnny, you fking cretin, I asked you to use the word 'fascinate'!"

She probably never heard the shot either...

[Vipers]

Escapegoat said:

Doofus said:

"The teacher sat down and cried" has never been the punchline to any joke ever.

Indeed. A touch of the "Vipers".

I am lost for words

[PoleDriver]

Vipers said:

I am lost for words

Is this likely to last a long time?





Please!

[Vaud]

“I went to a restaurant the other day called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.”
- Harry Hill



"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.”
- Unknown

[Halmyre]

Einion Yrth said:

MartG said:

It was funny when Monty Python did it.

Also...it's a ste graphic. There are two reasons...three! Three reasons...among the reasons she could be a witch:

1 looks like one
2 turned me into a newt
3 floats on water

This third point is further discussed and will only be true if

3.1 she's made of wood or
3.2 she weighs the same as a duck

At no time is she *thought* of being a witch for reason of being made of wood.

[iwantagta]

Can YOU tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel?

A weasel is weasely distinguished because a stoat is stoately different.

[iwantagta]

Some people say I'm totally crazy because I talk to my food..........my sauces tell me otherwise.

[Turquoise]

MartG said:

Lady in the chemists today, very loudly "That stuff you gave me to sort out my ahole hasn't worked!"
Embarrassed assistant, " Really? Why?"
Lady "'Cos the bugger still hasn't found a job."

While the thread is in full dissection mode...

Why would the woman seek help to find her husband a job at a chemists?

[Vipers]

PoleDriver said:

Vipers said:

I am lost for words

Is this likely to last a long time?





Please!

Don't hold your breath, working on it.