Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A young midshipman Curruthers, joined his first ship.
This is the conversation between the Captain and young Curruthers.
"Welcome aboard Curruthers, before we start on the boring stuff, I will fill you in on the evenings entertainment, Monday we usually have a rubber of bridge"
"Sorry sir, I don't play bridge"
"No worries, Tuesday we play Tombola"
"Sorry sir I am not really into that either"
"Don't worry Curruthers, Wednesday we break into teams and have a general knowledge quiz"
"Sorry sir, I am useless at quiz games"
"Oh well you'll enjoy Thursdays, the WRNS come onboard, and we have some drinkies and a bit of dancing"
"Sorry sir I don't really enjoy dancing"
The captain took a long look at Currruthers and said, "Curruthers! your not homosexual are you"
Curruthers slightly taken aback said "Good god sir, no"
The Captain said "You won't enjoy Friday either then"
This is the conversation between the Captain and young Curruthers.
"Welcome aboard Curruthers, before we start on the boring stuff, I will fill you in on the evenings entertainment, Monday we usually have a rubber of bridge"
"Sorry sir, I don't play bridge"
"No worries, Tuesday we play Tombola"
"Sorry sir I am not really into that either"
"Don't worry Curruthers, Wednesday we break into teams and have a general knowledge quiz"
"Sorry sir, I am useless at quiz games"
"Oh well you'll enjoy Thursdays, the WRNS come onboard, and we have some drinkies and a bit of dancing"
"Sorry sir I don't really enjoy dancing"
The captain took a long look at Currruthers and said, "Curruthers! your not homosexual are you"
Curruthers slightly taken aback said "Good god sir, no"
The Captain said "You won't enjoy Friday either then"
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names ~ Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
Vipers said:
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
(sigh)"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
Escapegoat said:
Vipers said:
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
(sigh)"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
Vipers said:
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names ~ Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
Is he related to Two Dogs fHis father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
king?Ayahuasca said:
Vipers said:
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names ~ Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
Is he related to Two Dogs fHis father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
"It's very simple and easy to understand.
"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
king?'Nother oldie.
One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his
warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big
Chief, no st". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief
should be fine tomorrow.
The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning
the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no
st". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the
chief.
The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's wigwam yet again
saying "big chief, no st". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives the
warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.
The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):
"Big st, no chief".
One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his
warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big
Chief, no s
t". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chiefshould be fine tomorrow.
The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning
the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no
s
t". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.
The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's wigwam yet again
saying "big chief, no s
t". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives thewarrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.
The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):
"Big s
t, no chief".A few months before the 1932 Olympics a young Apache athlete on the US Olympic squad went to see the tribal elder for some advice.
He said, 'My father, why can I not run as fast as the white men in the Olympic squad?'
The Apache chief thought for a moment and then said, 'My son, when you get up in the morning, have you watched the great herds of bison, moving as a single mass over the prairie, letting nothing stand in their way?'
'Yes', the young man said. 'I have watched the bison.'
'My son,' continued the old chief, 'Have you seen the morning eagle soar ever higher into the sky, its wings outstretched, soaring even higher than the mighty mountains?'
'Yes', nodded the young man eagerly. 'I have seen the eagle soar into the sky'.
'And have you sat by the river bank, and observed the mighty salmon, fighting its way against the current and, with the last of its strength, leaping high waterfalls, to finally die exhausted at the end of its journey?'
'Yes, I have watched the salmon in the river'.
'And have you seen the young horses, running free across the plains, their hooves making the ground tremble?'
'yes, I have seen the horses running.'
'In the evening, have you contemplated the winds the blow across the prairie, winds that travel for countless miles, tireless, always pushing onwards?'
'Yes my father, I have contemplated the evening winds.'
'Have you seen the smoke from our signal fires rise into the sky like a mighty beacon, telling all around that we, the Apache people are here, and that this land is ours, now and forever?'
'yes my father, I have watched the smoke from the signal fires rise into the sky?'
The old man fell into silence. He looked deeply into the flames of the camp fire. Then he looked at the young man and said, 'My son, your problem is clear to me. It is written in the stars and I have heard the answer to your problem whispered in the wind.'
'What is it? Please my father, tell me how I can be faster.'
'Stop wasting your fking time and do some fking training you lazy bd!'
He said, 'My father, why can I not run as fast as the white men in the Olympic squad?'
The Apache chief thought for a moment and then said, 'My son, when you get up in the morning, have you watched the great herds of bison, moving as a single mass over the prairie, letting nothing stand in their way?'
'Yes', the young man said. 'I have watched the bison.'
'My son,' continued the old chief, 'Have you seen the morning eagle soar ever higher into the sky, its wings outstretched, soaring even higher than the mighty mountains?'
'Yes', nodded the young man eagerly. 'I have seen the eagle soar into the sky'.
'And have you sat by the river bank, and observed the mighty salmon, fighting its way against the current and, with the last of its strength, leaping high waterfalls, to finally die exhausted at the end of its journey?'
'Yes, I have watched the salmon in the river'.
'And have you seen the young horses, running free across the plains, their hooves making the ground tremble?'
'yes, I have seen the horses running.'
'In the evening, have you contemplated the winds the blow across the prairie, winds that travel for countless miles, tireless, always pushing onwards?'
'Yes my father, I have contemplated the evening winds.'
'Have you seen the smoke from our signal fires rise into the sky like a mighty beacon, telling all around that we, the Apache people are here, and that this land is ours, now and forever?'
'yes my father, I have watched the smoke from the signal fires rise into the sky?'
The old man fell into silence. He looked deeply into the flames of the camp fire. Then he looked at the young man and said, 'My son, your problem is clear to me. It is written in the stars and I have heard the answer to your problem whispered in the wind.'
'What is it? Please my father, tell me how I can be faster.'
'Stop wasting your f
king time and do some fking training you lazy bd!' Laurel Green said:
'Nother oldie.
One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his
warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big
Chief, no st". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief
should be fine tomorrow.
The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning
the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no
st". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the
chief.
The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's wigwam yet again
saying "big chief, no st". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives the
warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.
The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):
"Big st, no chief".
Well, seeing as how we're talking aboout native Americans and broken condoms, here's a still older one.One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his
warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big
Chief, no s
t". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chiefshould be fine tomorrow.
The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning
the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no
s
t". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.
The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's wigwam yet again
saying "big chief, no s
t". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives thewarrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.
The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):
"Big s
t, no chief".A medicine show entrepreneur, Doctor Bob, was touring the Wild West, selling his potions and panaceas. He came across an Indian tribe whose medicine man consults him.
"Big chief have too many papoose, wantum no more," said the medicine man.
"It's his lucky day", smiled Doctor Bob." I have a new invention for the chief". Before lying with his squaw, the chief simply puts on one of these, on his...Willum. No more papoose afterwards." I call them 'johnnies"
Doctor Bob passed the same way again a few months later and asked how the chief went on.
"No goodum," grumbles the chief. "Me lyum with squaw with Johnny on. gottum in sqaw. Right ball go nnnng, left ball go nnnng, Johnny go Pow!" Pappoosum on way."
Doctor Bob returnrd a while afterwards, same story, "Johnny no goodum," grumbles the chief. "Me lyum with another squaw with Johnny on. gottum in squaw. Right ball go nnnng, left ball go nnnng, Johnny go Pow!" Another Pappooseum on way."
At the next visit the story was the same. Doctor Bob couldn't help noticing that, as the chief told his story, the warriors were handling their tomahawks menacingly. The story was exactly the same, even with some special, extra-strength, full-fat Johnnies...
"Johnnies no goodum," grumbled the chief. "Me lyum with another squaw with Johnny on. gottum in squaw. Right ball go nnnng, left ball go nnnng, Johnny go Pow!" Pappooseum on way."
Fearing he'd soon lose his scalp, Doctor Bob went back to his covered wagon, promising something still more special. So, he took one of the extra strength condoms and set to work.He boiled up a pot of glue, adding horse's hooves, fish,and shellac to the mixture- everything he could think of to reinforce the condom.He added a wrapping made of buffalo sinew, he added whipcord, he even added a layer of crocodile skin. After working all night, he gave the super condom to the chief. "This one will do the trick, chief, no more papoose with this." He shook hands with the chief and went on his way.
A week later, poor Doctor Bob found himself in a very bad situation indeed. There he was, stripped naked, tied to a stake, with arrows in exremely awkward places and whooping braves circling him, very much on the warpath.
"But, but, before you scalp me and kill me, please tell me what happened, he begged.I was sure my special Johnny would work perfectly. It must have done."
The medicine man signalled to two braves, who disappeared into the biggest, most lavishly decorated wigwam. The braves brought the chief out, in a wheelchair.
The chief was livid, brandishing a tomahawk and waving a wicked-looking knife. "Scalpum Doctor Bob, scalpum Doctor Bob!" he shouted loudly."
"But why? Said Doctor Bob. "I made you a Johnny that was really, really strong. I worked on it all night long. I promised you, no more papoosum."
"No, no more papoosum!" shouted the chief. "Scalpum, scalpum."
With his fate obviously about to be sealed, Doctor Bob asked."What happened?"
"Right ball go nnnng, Johnny go nnnnng, left ball go Pow!"
Edited by davhill on Tuesday 10th May 13:49
cookmysock said:
My Welsh friend said he was having trouble falling to sleep, so I suggested he tried counting sheep.
No good he said. By the time I get to ten I'm fully aroused.
Talking about the Welsh, another oldie.No good he said. By the time I get to ten I'm fully aroused.
Two blokes walking past the cinema, conversation goes like this.
"Fancy seeing a film"
"Whats on"
"Moby Dick"
"No dont like porn films"
"Its not porn, its about whales
"Cant stand the bloody Welsh either"
Frrair said:
Top job Mr Vipers keep em coming.
Some of us love your contributions.
Cheers Ed, it's a funny thing humour, I used to watch "Monty Pythons Flying Circus" and used to be in stitches, whereas the OH sat with a dead pan face.Some of us love your contributions.
One of theirs which made me smile was when John Cleese said "What's brown and sounds like a bell.......... dung"
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