Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Usget]

AW111 said:

a wok is what you fwow at a wabbit when your wifle won't work.

[driverrob]

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

[boobles]

Blond women wakes up with severe chest pains so her husband demands she see's a doctor.
On his return from work he finds his wife distraught & extremely upset so fearing the worst he asks her how she got on at the quacks.
Wiping the tears away she tells him that the doctor told her that she had a nice fanny & this had really upset her. Husband jumps in his car & races down to doctors & demands to see him. Once in he demands to know from the doctor what on earth having a nice fanny has to do with chest pains & demands an explanation! The doctor looks at him all confused & tells him that he didn't say she had a nice fanny at all but did tell her that it would appear that she had Acute Angina !!!

[Sticks.]

Alex said:

I asked my wife: "Why don't you let me know when you're having an orgasm?"
"Because you're never there." she replied.

The other version was something like...

A lecturer is taking a class on neurology. Most of the students aren't really paying that much attention so to liven it a little, he asks a mature female student

'Do you know what your ahole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'.

Without looking up she replies

'Playing golf, probably'.

Edited by Sticks. on Tuesday 17th May 09:28

[Jonboy_t]

Sinead O'Connor has been reported missing in the usa.

So far, it's been 7 hours and 15 days.

[StevieBee]

Jonboy_t said:

Sinead O'Connor has been reported missing in the usa.

So far, it's been 7 hours and 15 days.

Excellent work!

[Monkeylegend]

Global facts.

Fact: At any given moment 64million people are having sex
Fact: At any given moment 45 million are kissing passionately
Fact: At any given moment 37 million are relaxing after having sex
Fact: One old sad git is reading jokes on the internet


Hang on in there sunshine.

[schmunk]

Monkeylegend said:

Global facts.

Fact: At any given moment 64million people are having sex
Fact: At any given moment 45 million are kissing passionately
Fact: At any given moment 37 million are relaxing after having sex
Fact: One old sad git is reading jokes on the internet


Hang on in there sunshine.

Hey, I'm not old...

[Allyc85]

mattdaniels said:

I just bought a house with period features, though she hates it when I call her that.

[Skyedriver]

boobles said:

Blond women wakes up with severe chest pains so her husband demands she see's a doctor.
On his return from work he finds his wife distraught & extremely upset so fearing the worst he asks her how she got on at the quacks.
Wiping the tears away she tells him that the doctor told her that she had a nice fanny & this had really upset her. Husband jumps in his car & races down to doctors & demands to see him. Once in he demands to know from the doctor what on earth having a nice fanny has to do with chest pains & demands an explanation! The doctor looks at him all confused & tells him that he didn't say she had a nice fanny at all but did tell her that it would appear that she had Acute Angina !!!

or

Young lad talking to his girlfriends father for the first time.
Father " you do realise she has acute angina?
Lad " aye and she's got a canny pair of tits too!"

[stuartmmcfc]

Why does Star Wars go in the order 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7?

In charge of planning Yoda was.

[mickk]

A group of mime artists have been arrested for attacking one of the audience.

They things they done...Unspeakable.

[Jonboy_t]

mickk said:

A group of mime artists have been arrested for attacking one of the audience.

They things they done...Unspeakable.

The first thing I'm gonna do it invisibility ever gets invented is beat the crap out of mime artist in the high street.

Think of the tips he'd get!

[Vipers]

Bit of humour on the Jeremy Vime show (Radio 2) discussing toilet facilities in cafes. He said -

"The one near me doesn't have toilets, it only has four stools"

Might just be my warped mind

Edited by Vipers on Thursday 19th May 15:21

[K12beano]

Wow -
No "Rust In Peace" jokes. You guys have let me down. Mega.

[Laurel Green]

Ba dum tish!

[Halmyre]

K12beano said:

Wow -
No "Rust In Peace" jokes. You guys have let me down. Mega.

Who's died, fk, it's not Neil Young?

(googles)

OK, who are we talking about?

[MartG]

Halmyre said:

K12beano said:

Wow -
No "Rust In Peace" jokes. You guys have let me down. Mega.

Who's died, fk, it's not Neil Young?

(googles)

OK, who are we talking about?

This guy perhaps ?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-36353...

[Halmyre]

MartG said:

Halmyre said:

K12beano said:

Wow -
No "Rust In Peace" jokes. You guys have let me down. Mega.

Who's died, fk, it's not Neil Young?

(googles)

OK, who are we talking about?

This guy perhaps ?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-36353...

Ah, OK.

[Yex 450]

Chief Inspector Clouseau now has his house keeper again