Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A coworker mentions to a woman that her hair smells nice today.
The woman storms into the supervisors office, tells him what the coworker said and says she is quitting, and is going to file for sexual harassment.
The supervisor says whats wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice.
She said "Hes a f
king midget"
The woman storms into the supervisors office, tells him what the coworker said and says she is quitting, and is going to file for sexual harassment.
The supervisor says whats wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice.
She said "Hes a f
king midget"
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband.
But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way,” she said “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband.
But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way,” she said “I almost got caught yesterday!”
When the OH said to me after glancing at the paper “Is there any good news in it today” it sparked a memory of an old joke.
Lord Sainsbury returned to Heathrow from a long overseas visit and was met by his driver with the Rolls.
The conversation goes like this.
Thank you James for picking me up, anything been happening whilst I have been away?
Well I am sorry to tell you sir you racehorse died.
My champion racehorse died, how?
Well sir it died when the barn burnt down.
My listed barn burnt down, how did that happen?
A spark from the main house sir.
A spark from the main house, what’s going on?
It was when the house burn down.
My grade II listed house burnt down, how did that happen?
The curtains caught fire when a candle fell over.
A candle James, we don’t usually have candles in the house?
It was from the candles we put near your mothers coffin.
What do you mean James, my mother’s coffin?
I am sorry sir she died last week.
My god James, my mother died, my grade II listed house burnt down, my listed barn burnt down, my champion racehorse died, is there any good news?
Well sir, with all the heat from the fire from the house and barn, your daffodils came up early.
Lord Sainsbury returned to Heathrow from a long overseas visit and was met by his driver with the Rolls.
The conversation goes like this.
Thank you James for picking me up, anything been happening whilst I have been away?
Well I am sorry to tell you sir you racehorse died.
My champion racehorse died, how?
Well sir it died when the barn burnt down.
My listed barn burnt down, how did that happen?
A spark from the main house sir.
A spark from the main house, what’s going on?
It was when the house burn down.
My grade II listed house burnt down, how did that happen?
The curtains caught fire when a candle fell over.
A candle James, we don’t usually have candles in the house?
It was from the candles we put near your mothers coffin.
What do you mean James, my mother’s coffin?
I am sorry sir she died last week.
My god James, my mother died, my grade II listed house burnt down, my listed barn burnt down, my champion racehorse died, is there any good news?
Well sir, with all the heat from the fire from the house and barn, your daffodils came up early.
A guy was in the city on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that fking nun out there again?
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.
However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that f
king nun out there again?An American businessman is visiting Japan, and has an important meeting taking place on the golf course
On arriving a day early, he decided to make use of some of the local hospitality, and employed the services of a local lady of the night
Whilst in the throes of passion, the lady cried out "Shazaar, shazaar". The businessman, speaking no Japanese, took this as appreciation of his skills and her enjoyment in their coupling
The next day, he met with his Japanese counterpart on the first tee. Taking the honour, he lined up his drive and sent the ball scudding down the fairway beautifully.
His Japanese colleague lined up his shot and drove a beautiful shot straight down the middle, outdistancing the American's shot by quite some way. The American decided to show his appreciation, and thought that he could impress with his new knowledge of Japanese
"Shazaar, shazaar" he cried loudly
The Japanese businessman turned around
"What the fk do you mean wrong hole?"
On arriving a day early, he decided to make use of some of the local hospitality, and employed the services of a local lady of the night
Whilst in the throes of passion, the lady cried out "Shazaar, shazaar". The businessman, speaking no Japanese, took this as appreciation of his skills and her enjoyment in their coupling
The next day, he met with his Japanese counterpart on the first tee. Taking the honour, he lined up his drive and sent the ball scudding down the fairway beautifully.
His Japanese colleague lined up his shot and drove a beautiful shot straight down the middle, outdistancing the American's shot by quite some way. The American decided to show his appreciation, and thought that he could impress with his new knowledge of Japanese
"Shazaar, shazaar" he cried loudly
The Japanese businessman turned around
"What the f
k do you mean wrong hole?"Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff