Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine!"
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is David Cameron?" asked Pinocchio.
RIP AliVipers said:
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine!"
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is David Cameron?" asked Pinocchio.
There's a Mr Blair asking for a second opinion.As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine!"
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is David Cameron?" asked Pinocchio.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
K12beano said:
You would have to be quite MAD to go to Paris now!
In fact you'd be in Seine.....
In the same vein...In fact you'd be in Seine.....
One day, Quasimodo was having a great time up in the bell tower of Note Dame. He was leaping from bell to bell, swinging on each in turn to make it ring louder.
As his mad carillon continued, Quasimodo became more and more excited. He swung the bells harder and harder. Soon, little cascades of mortar started to tumble down the outside of the magnificent building.
A coping stone plummeted from the west face. Flying buttresses started collapsing. Gargoyles broke away from their high locations. But Quasimodo still flung himself from bell to bell, giggling insanely.
More than an hour of this punishment was too much for the ancient structure. The crypt crumbled and the cathedral began to tilt on its undermined foundations. It began to slide as Quasimodo swung and swung.
As the bell ringer shrieked with laughter, Notre Dame slid inexorably into the river. Huge bubbles made the water seem to boil as the building disappeared under the surface.
Terrified pigeons flew for their lives as the rumbling and vibration died away. But as the last bubbles rose to the surface, the pealing of the bells could still be heard, diminishing slowly.
Finally, peace returned as passing Parisians stared in shock at the scene of devastaton. All that could be heard was Quasimodo's voice, raised in song as the bells' voices whispered under the surface of the water...
"I'm ringin' in The Seine, just ringin' in The Seine. What a glorious feelin' I'm happy again..."
davhill said:
K12beano said:
You would have to be quite MAD to go to Paris now!
In fact you'd be in Seine.....
In the same vein...In fact you'd be in Seine.....
One day, Quasimodo was having a great time up in the bell tower of Note Dame. He was leaping from bell to bell, swinging on each in turn to make it ring louder.
As his mad carillon continued, Quasimodo became more and more excited. He swung the bells harder and harder. Soon, little cascades of mortar started to tumble down the outside of the magnificent building.
A coping stone plummeted from the west face. Flying buttresses started collapsing. Gargoyles broke away from their high locations. But Quasimodo still flung himself from bell to bell, giggling insanely.
More than an hour of this punishment was too much for the ancient structure. The crypt crumbled and the cathedral began to tilt on its undermined foundations. It began to slide as Quasimodo swung and swung.
As the bell ringer shrieked with laughter, Notre Dame slid inexorably into the river. Huge bubbles made the water seem to boil as the building disappeared under the surface.
Terrified pigeons flew for their lives as the rumbling and vibration died away. But as the last bubbles rose to the surface, the pealing of the bells could still be heard, diminishing slowly.
Finally, peace returned as passing Parisians stared in shock at the scene of devastaton. All that could be heard was Quasimodo's voice, raised in song as the bells' voices whispered under the surface of the water...
"I'm ringin' in The Seine, just ringin' in The Seine. What a glorious feelin' I'm happy again..."
quasi and esmeralda went out on a total bender, absolutely ballooned on an all day sesh, topped off with a large donner and chilli sauce they made it up to bed and collapsed, comatose.
in the night esmeralda vomits all over the bed covers but is still so drunk she can't be bothered to get up and clean up and just falls back into unconsciousness.
several hours later quasi wakes up in a mad panic shouting "esmeralda! esmeralda! wake up"
she groggily opens her eyes and ask whats the matter and he shouts "look at the covers..." she taps him on the arm re-assurngly and says "it was me I was sick in the night"
"thanks f
k for that" he says "I thought my hump had bust"
in the night esmeralda vomits all over the bed covers but is still so drunk she can't be bothered to get up and clean up and just falls back into unconsciousness.
several hours later quasi wakes up in a mad panic shouting "esmeralda! esmeralda! wake up"
she groggily opens her eyes and ask whats the matter and he shouts "look at the covers..." she taps him on the arm re-assurngly and says "it was me I was sick in the night"
"thanks f
k for that" he says "I thought my hump had bust"Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff