Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes..
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle - and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle - and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
MartG said:
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes..
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle - and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
At least some choir boys will be safe then "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle - and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
And another oldie....
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
K12beano said:
And another oldie....
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Seems a good time and a place to leave this-->The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes
from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal:
"if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down
your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious
a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM;
I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
It's pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
It's a solution ....!!!
wilfandrowlf said:
toasty said:
Got sacked from my job as the restaurant manager today after an employee lost three fingers in one of the electric food mixers.
Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assessment.
Made me chuckle Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assessment.
Its "jonah lomu" Not "Joanna Lumley" 
Two cleaner ladies in the mortuary, one says, "I'm having some of that", pointing to a body with huge erection.
When she'd finished she said "God that was amazing, the best sex I've ever had!"
The other said "I couldn't, it's my time of the month"
Her mate replied, "I cant see him complaining, can you?"
So her friend got on and after about 10 minutes she heard a moan coming from the corpse, she shouted to her mate "He's alive!"
To which the corpse said "Alive! Another transfusion like that an' I'll be back in work on Monday!"
When she'd finished she said "God that was amazing, the best sex I've ever had!"
The other said "I couldn't, it's my time of the month"
Her mate replied, "I cant see him complaining, can you?"
So her friend got on and after about 10 minutes she heard a moan coming from the corpse, she shouted to her mate "He's alive!"
To which the corpse said "Alive! Another transfusion like that an' I'll be back in work on Monday!"
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