Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Frimley111R said:
Vipers said:
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
Get out!'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
Just checked, yes.
Have another then,
An old minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, using his new dentures, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't shut up.”
Stolen from FB as well........
An old minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, using his new dentures, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't shut up.”
Stolen from FB as well........
Stolen from elsewhere:
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The reception was brilliant.
He’s all right now.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The reception was brilliant.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in an Audi. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Audi sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in an Audi. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Audi sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
. Classic.Laurel Green said:
Stolen from elsewhere:
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of ?the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
Manchester Rag Mag circa 1972, but back then I didn't know jokes became reality.A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of ?the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
Laurel Green said:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
A hunter is out in the woods when a beautiful naked girl jumps out of the bushes."Are you game?" he asked.
She smiled suggestively and answered "Yes."
So he shot her.
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff...about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag...before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old b
d!" He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
d!" He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
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