Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.
The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
Vipers said:
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.
The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
I knew the punch line to that after about two words. “Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.
The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
moanthebairns said:
Vipers said:
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.
The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
I knew the punch line to that after about two words. “Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.
The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
Fer said:
moanthebairns said:
Vipers said:
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.
The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
I knew the punch line to that after about two words. “Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.
The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
Moanthebairns, don't exaggerate, I've told you a million times.
So Dave is getting married and wondered how many times he should have sex with his wife on his wedding night.
He asked his pal Joe, who said "We did it about five or six times on our wedding night".
Wow he thought, he asked his pal Peter, who said "About three or four"
Not bad he thought, just thought he would ask one more pal.
He asked Roger how many times he had sex with his wife on their wedding night.
Roger said "Once"
He said "ONCE what did your wife say in the morning".
"She said GET OFF"
He asked his pal Joe, who said "We did it about five or six times on our wedding night".
Wow he thought, he asked his pal Peter, who said "About three or four"
Not bad he thought, just thought he would ask one more pal.
He asked Roger how many times he had sex with his wife on their wedding night.
Roger said "Once"
He said "ONCE what did your wife say in the morning".
"She said GET OFF"
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!!!”
The second woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!!!”
Vipers said:
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2?, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!!!”
Hey!? I never knew my mother was Catholic ......The second woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2?, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!!!”
K12beano said:
Vipers said:
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2?, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!!!”
Hey!? I never knew my mother was Catholic ......The second woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2?, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!!!”
I was supposed to meet my Irish friend Seamus in the pub this evening at eight, but when he turned up it was gone half-past 9.
I said, "What kept you?" He said, "Dinner."
I said, "I thought you were going to buy something quick and easy?"
Seamus said, "I did, I got one of those microwave curries, but it turned out I had to watch Goldeneye first."
"What on earth for?" I asked.
He replied, "It was in the instructions - 'Pierce film before cooking.'"
I said, "What kept you?" He said, "Dinner."
I said, "I thought you were going to buy something quick and easy?"
Seamus said, "I did, I got one of those microwave curries, but it turned out I had to watch Goldeneye first."
"What on earth for?" I asked.
He replied, "It was in the instructions - 'Pierce film before cooking.'"
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
Vipers said:
So Dave is getting married and wondered how many times he should have sex with his wife on his wedding night.
Three newly-wed grooms find themselves propping up the bar at a hotel together and get to bragging about what they're going to do to their new wives that night, and how many times. One points out that it's going to be difficult to compare notes in the morning with their wives around and suggests that at breakfast they should order as many pieces of toast as they've got their end away.So next morning the waitress approaches the first groom's table and asks for his order and he looks around smugly, and loudly asks for three pieces of toast. The next groom looks pleased with himself and orders four. The waitress goes up to the last groom's table and with a big smile on his face, he asks for six pieces of toast. The waitress is just leaving when he calls her back and says ... "Oh, and could you make three of those brown please?"
Evangelion said:
I was supposed to meet my Irish friend Seamus in the pub this evening at eight, but when he turned up it was gone half-past 9.
I said, "What kept you?" He said, "Dinner."
I said, "I thought you were going to buy something quick and easy?"
Seamus said, "I did, I got one of those microwave curries, but it turned out I had to watch Goldeneye first."
"What on earth for?" I asked.
He replied, "It was in the instructions - 'Pierce film before cooking.'"
I said, "What kept you?" He said, "Dinner."
I said, "I thought you were going to buy something quick and easy?"
Seamus said, "I did, I got one of those microwave curries, but it turned out I had to watch Goldeneye first."
"What on earth for?" I asked.
He replied, "It was in the instructions - 'Pierce film before cooking.'"
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