Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Jack is standing in the queue at the supermarket when this gorgeous woman keeps looking at him.
He thinks she must be looking at someone else but then, she starts waving at him.
'Excuse me, do I know you?' Asks Jack.
'Yes' says the stunner. 'I think you are the father of one of my kids'
Jack is taken aback and can only think of one time he has been unfaithful.
'Are you the girl I shagged on my stag do? While your mate covered me in whipped cream and your other mate stuck a dildo up my arse?'
'Er. No' she replies. 'I'm your sons English teacher!!'
He thinks she must be looking at someone else but then, she starts waving at him.
'Excuse me, do I know you?' Asks Jack.
'Yes' says the stunner. 'I think you are the father of one of my kids'
Jack is taken aback and can only think of one time he has been unfaithful.
'Are you the girl I shagged on my stag do? While your mate covered me in whipped cream and your other mate stuck a dildo up my arse?'
'Er. No' she replies. 'I'm your sons English teacher!!'
actually it does. 
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" comes the response.
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.
"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?" yells back the angered ex-wife.
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!" says the guy before hanging up.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" comes the response.
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.
"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?" yells back the angered ex-wife.
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!" says the guy before hanging up.
A wife had no clue her husband was cheating on her for four years. He almost got away with it too. Her husband tried to make arrangements with his mistress, but things didn't quite work out for him.
For many years, the man had an affair with an Italian woman. She eventually became pregnant and the man panicked.
He didn't want his marriage falling apart, nor did he want to be known as the town cheater. He told the woman to return to Italy to secretly give birth to their child. In exchange, he would write her a big cheque for her trouble, as well as pay child support until the baby turned 18.
She relented and agreed to return to Italy, but asked how she should contact him to tell him when the baby is born ... The man told his mistress to send him a postcard with the word "Spaghetti" on the back when she has the child, then he would start paying.
Nine month later, the man's wife came up to him.
"Home, you received this strange postcard today," she said.
The man's ears perked up, "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later."
The wife gave him the postcard and then watched as he read it. The man suddenly went pale and then fainted.
The wife picked up the card and was confused by what it said.
"Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."
For many years, the man had an affair with an Italian woman. She eventually became pregnant and the man panicked.
He didn't want his marriage falling apart, nor did he want to be known as the town cheater. He told the woman to return to Italy to secretly give birth to their child. In exchange, he would write her a big cheque for her trouble, as well as pay child support until the baby turned 18.
She relented and agreed to return to Italy, but asked how she should contact him to tell him when the baby is born ... The man told his mistress to send him a postcard with the word "Spaghetti" on the back when she has the child, then he would start paying.
Nine month later, the man's wife came up to him.
"Home, you received this strange postcard today," she said.
The man's ears perked up, "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later."
The wife gave him the postcard and then watched as he read it. The man suddenly went pale and then fainted.
The wife picked up the card and was confused by what it said.
"Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."
A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.
He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.
"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be laying after their side if the boar's seed be gone done it's business".
After a few weeks, the chap gets a little concerned as not one morning have the sows been laying on their side so he calls in a vet.
Vet checks them all out and says they're fine but "probably worth trying artificial insemination". Not wishing to display his ignorance, he thanks the vet, says he'll give it a go and bids him farewell.
When he's gone, he thinks to himself.."artificial insemination??? ...ergghh, that means I've got to do it to them, oh, well, this is the country life we signed up to I guess".
Not wanting anyone to see, that night, he loads the pigs into the Transit and heads off to the woods. There, he climbs in the back and gives each of the sows a good rodgering.
Next morning, we wakes and looks out of the window to see them all staring up. "Sod it!" - I'll have to go again tonight" he thinks. And he does. And the following night. And the night after that....
This goes on for a week and come Sunday, the poor bloke is completely exhausted - lays in till tea time. His wife comes in to the bedroom and asks if everything's OK.
"Can you have a look outside and see is any of the sows are laying on their side?" he says.
"No, they're not", she says. "But they are all in the van and one of them's honking the horn"
He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.
"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be laying after their side if the boar's seed be gone done it's business".
After a few weeks, the chap gets a little concerned as not one morning have the sows been laying on their side so he calls in a vet.
Vet checks them all out and says they're fine but "probably worth trying artificial insemination". Not wishing to display his ignorance, he thanks the vet, says he'll give it a go and bids him farewell.
When he's gone, he thinks to himself.."artificial insemination??? ...ergghh, that means I've got to do it to them, oh, well, this is the country life we signed up to I guess".
Not wanting anyone to see, that night, he loads the pigs into the Transit and heads off to the woods. There, he climbs in the back and gives each of the sows a good rodgering.
Next morning, we wakes and looks out of the window to see them all staring up. "Sod it!" - I'll have to go again tonight" he thinks. And he does. And the following night. And the night after that....
This goes on for a week and come Sunday, the poor bloke is completely exhausted - lays in till tea time. His wife comes in to the bedroom and asks if everything's OK.
"Can you have a look outside and see is any of the sows are laying on their side?" he says.
"No, they're not", she says. "But they are all in the van and one of them's honking the horn"
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff