Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."
During his summing up at he end of the trial, the judge looked at the defendant and asked
'before i pass sentence, have you anything to say?'
Chap in the Doc just mumbled 'f
k all M'Lud'
Judge didnt catch it and asked the Clerk 'What did he say?'
clerk replied 'He said fk all you Honour'
judge replied 'No he didnt, i saw his lips move'
'before i pass sentence, have you anything to say?'
Chap in the Doc just mumbled 'f
k all M'Lud'Judge didnt catch it and asked the Clerk 'What did he say?'
clerk replied 'He said f
k all you Honour'judge replied 'No he didnt, i saw his lips move'
Paddy had a job as a postman and one Monday morning was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail...
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that strangely both cars were still in the driveway...
His wonder was cut short by Murphy, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin...
'Jesus Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented...
Murphy, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night... This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild... We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing... WHO AM I?'...
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How the hell do you play WHO AM I?'...
Well, all the men go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is...'
The postman laughed and said, 'st...!!! sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'...
'Probably a good thing you did Pad,' Murphy responded..........
..........'Your feckin name came up 7 times....!!!'
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that strangely both cars were still in the driveway...
His wonder was cut short by Murphy, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin...
'Jesus Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented...
Murphy, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night... This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild... We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing... WHO AM I?'...
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How the hell do you play WHO AM I?'...
Well, all the men go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is...'
The postman laughed and said, 's
t...!!! sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'...'Probably a good thing you did Pad,' Murphy responded..........
..........'Your feckin name came up 7 times....!!!'
Mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession. As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
The mother was puzzled at first… she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar.
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'
The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size’
she was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mum fainted...
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
The mother was puzzled at first… she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar.
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'
The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size’
she was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mum fainted...
That reminds me of the Jewish girl who got married and promised to send postcards back during the around the world honeymoon.The father was a bit puzzled by the brevity of them expecting some stuff about the places visited ,and was discussing this with his wife one evening
'I just dont understand it Rachel' he said,'we spend thousands of pounds sending her to the best schools, and she just send back a saying how happy she is, we have had 17 so far'.
'What does she say?' Rachel asks him
'She just tells us she is happy, all she writes is 'What Happiness' on each one'
Rachel grabs a card, reads it and smacks him around the head.
'you grea oaf, its not 'What Happiness' It's 'What a Penis''
'I just dont understand it Rachel' he said,'we spend thousands of pounds sending her to the best schools, and she just send back a saying how happy she is, we have had 17 so far'.
'What does she say?' Rachel asks him
'She just tells us she is happy, all she writes is 'What Happiness' on each one'
Rachel grabs a card, reads it and smacks him around the head.
'you grea oaf, its not 'What Happiness' It's 'What a Penis''
silverfoxcc said:
That reminds me of the Jewish girl who got married and promised to send postcards back during the around the world honeymoon.The father was a bit puzzled by the brevity of them expecting some stuff about the places visited ,and was discussing this with his wife one evening
'I just dont understand it Rachel' he said,'we spend thousands of pounds sending her to the best schools, and she just send back a saying how happy she is, we have had 17 so far'.
'What does she say?' Rachel asks him
'She just tells us she is happy, all she writes is 'What Happiness' on each one'
Rachel grabs a card, reads it and smacks him around the head.
'you grea oaf, its not 'What Happiness' It's 'What a Penis''
New one on me, good start to my day 🍻 'I just dont understand it Rachel' he said,'we spend thousands of pounds sending her to the best schools, and she just send back a saying how happy she is, we have had 17 so far'.
'What does she say?' Rachel asks him
'She just tells us she is happy, all she writes is 'What Happiness' on each one'
Rachel grabs a card, reads it and smacks him around the head.
'you grea oaf, its not 'What Happiness' It's 'What a Penis''
Vipers said:
silverfoxcc said:
That reminds me of the Jewish girl who got married and promised to send postcards back during the around the world honeymoon.The father was a bit puzzled by the brevity of them expecting some stuff about the places visited ,and was discussing this with his wife one evening
'I just dont understand it Rachel' he said,'we spend thousands of pounds sending her to the best schools, and she just send back a saying how happy she is, we have had 17 so far'.
'What does she say?' Rachel asks him
'She just tells us she is happy, all she writes is 'What Happiness' on each one'
Rachel grabs a card, reads it and smacks him around the head.
'you grea oaf, its not 'What Happiness' It's 'What a Penis''
New one on me, good start to my day ?? 'I just dont understand it Rachel' he said,'we spend thousands of pounds sending her to the best schools, and she just send back a saying how happy she is, we have had 17 so far'.
'What does she say?' Rachel asks him
'She just tells us she is happy, all she writes is 'What Happiness' on each one'
Rachel grabs a card, reads it and smacks him around the head.
'you grea oaf, its not 'What Happiness' It's 'What a Penis''
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbours were Catholic.....
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish...
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish...
lionelf said:
mickk said:
The Sun's out and my missus is wearing a skirt where you can just see a cheeky bit of her arse.
I wouldn't mind so much but the skirt is knee length.
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. She didn't have to worry, her tits cover it.I wouldn't mind so much but the skirt is knee length.
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