Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Doris and Eddie were old age pensioners who had fallen on hard times. Finally, with nothing left in the kitty, Eddie says to Doris “It pains me to ask this of you, but I’ve heard women can earn a few quid out on the streets.”
Thelma nods and replies, “I’ve heard the same. It seems we have no other option.”
So, donning her coat and headscarf, Doris heads off into the night.
Next morning she returns and lays newly bought bacon and eggs on the table.
Eddie’s eyes light up. “How much did you make?”
“£23.10” she replies.
“Bloody hell. Who was the miserable git who paid you just 10p?” Eddie asks.
“Every single fecking one of ‘em.”
Thelma nods and replies, “I’ve heard the same. It seems we have no other option.”
So, donning her coat and headscarf, Doris heads off into the night.
Next morning she returns and lays newly bought bacon and eggs on the table.
Eddie’s eyes light up. “How much did you make?”
“£23.10” she replies.
“Bloody hell. Who was the miserable git who paid you just 10p?” Eddie asks.
“Every single fecking one of ‘em.”
CR6ZZ said:
Doris and Eddie were old age pensioners who had fallen on hard times. Finally, with nothing left in the kitty, Eddie says to Doris “It pains me to ask this of you, but I’ve heard women can earn a few quid out on the streets.”
Thelma nods and replies, “I’ve heard the same. It seems we have no other option.”
So, donning her coat and headscarf, Doris heads off into the night.
Next morning she returns and lays newly bought bacon and eggs on the table.
Eddie’s eyes light up. “How much did you make?”
“£23.10” she replies.
“Bloody hell. Who was the miserable git who paid you just 10p?” Eddie asks.
“Every single fecking one of ‘em.”
Who the fThelma nods and replies, “I’ve heard the same. It seems we have no other option.”
So, donning her coat and headscarf, Doris heads off into the night.
Next morning she returns and lays newly bought bacon and eggs on the table.
Eddie’s eyes light up. “How much did you make?”
“£23.10” she replies.
“Bloody hell. Who was the miserable git who paid you just 10p?” Eddie asks.
“Every single fecking one of ‘em.”
k is Thelma?Dr Interceptor said:
CR6ZZ said:
Doris and Eddie were old age pensioners who had fallen on hard times. Finally, with nothing left in the kitty, Eddie says to Doris “It pains me to ask this of you, but I’ve heard women can earn a few quid out on the streets.”
Thelma nods and replies, “I’ve heard the same. It seems we have no other option.”
So, donning her coat and headscarf, Doris heads off into the night.
Next morning she returns and lays newly bought bacon and eggs on the table.
Eddie’s eyes light up. “How much did you make?”
“£23.10” she replies.
“Bloody hell. Who was the miserable git who paid you just 10p?” Eddie asks.
“Every single fecking one of ‘em.”
Who the fThelma nods and replies, “I’ve heard the same. It seems we have no other option.”
So, donning her coat and headscarf, Doris heads off into the night.
Next morning she returns and lays newly bought bacon and eggs on the table.
Eddie’s eyes light up. “How much did you make?”
“£23.10” she replies.
“Bloody hell. Who was the miserable git who paid you just 10p?” Eddie asks.
“Every single fecking one of ‘em.”
k is Thelma?
MartG said:
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
For our military friends...
Things to consider whilst adjusting to Civvy street:
1. Speech:
•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred; it is not 0530 or 1400. It is 5:30am or 2 in the afternoon.
•Words like "pit", and "PT" will get you weird looks; use bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F uck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now. Try "um" instead.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "Roger That" or "Out"
2. Style:
•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•Do not refer to your suits numerically; your best jacket and trousers are not your number 1's
3. Women:
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal. Neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense". It makes you a retard.
Personal accomplishments:
•In the real world, being able to do lots of press-ups will not lead to automatic promotion or help your career in any way.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
4. Drinking:
•NATO is an organisation, not the way you want your tea made
•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you a written warning (or sacked), not a pat on the back from your boss.
•Shouting "Naked Bar" at your works Christmas party will have no effect.
•That time you drank a bottle of Absinth and shat in your pals suitcase is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will probably not impress a civilian.
5. Bodily functions:
•Farting on your co-workers and then laughing hysterically while you walk away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny regardless of how big it was, how much it burned, how much it smelled..... or how clear the photo is.
•You can't make fun of someone for their disability, no matter how funny the ailment is.
•VD will also not be funny.
The human body:
•Most people will not want to hear about or see your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
•If your arse is sore, don’t ask your colleague on the next desk if he can see what’s wrong with it.
6. Spending habits:
•One day, you will have to pay for the things that keep you alive; heat, light, shelter, food, doctor, etc, etc
•Buying a £30,000 car on a £16,000 a year salary is a really, really stupid idea.
•Spending money on video games instead of on nappies makes you a tw@t.
7. Interacting with civilians:
•Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not make you popular in the neighbourhood.
8. Real jobs:
•They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too. You can't tell your secretary to "follow it down" if she drops her pen. And taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Sport is no longer part of your working week. Wednesday afternoons are for work, just like every other afternoon
9. The Law:
•Your civvy boss, unlike your C/O, can't save you and probably won't. In fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after he finds out you've been arrested.
•Even McDonalds do background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested and/or fired, not yelled at on Monday morning before being asked if you won.
10. General knowledge:
•You can in fact really say what you think about the Queen in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body. It's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are. Be polite.
•You no longer have to go to the POL point; just go to the BP garage like everyone else
Finally
11. Read the contracts before you sign them - remember what happened the first time...
Things to consider whilst adjusting to Civvy street:
1. Speech:
•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred; it is not 0530 or 1400. It is 5:30am or 2 in the afternoon.
•Words like "pit", and "PT" will get you weird looks; use bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F uck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now. Try "um" instead.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "Roger That" or "Out"
2. Style:
•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•Do not refer to your suits numerically; your best jacket and trousers are not your number 1's
3. Women:
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal. Neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense". It makes you a retard.
Personal accomplishments:
•In the real world, being able to do lots of press-ups will not lead to automatic promotion or help your career in any way.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
4. Drinking:
•NATO is an organisation, not the way you want your tea made
•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you a written warning (or sacked), not a pat on the back from your boss.
•Shouting "Naked Bar" at your works Christmas party will have no effect.
•That time you drank a bottle of Absinth and shat in your pals suitcase is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will probably not impress a civilian.
5. Bodily functions:
•Farting on your co-workers and then laughing hysterically while you walk away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny regardless of how big it was, how much it burned, how much it smelled..... or how clear the photo is.
•You can't make fun of someone for their disability, no matter how funny the ailment is.
•VD will also not be funny.
The human body:
•Most people will not want to hear about or see your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
•If your arse is sore, don’t ask your colleague on the next desk if he can see what’s wrong with it.
6. Spending habits:
•One day, you will have to pay for the things that keep you alive; heat, light, shelter, food, doctor, etc, etc
•Buying a £30,000 car on a £16,000 a year salary is a really, really stupid idea.
•Spending money on video games instead of on nappies makes you a tw@t.
7. Interacting with civilians:
•Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not make you popular in the neighbourhood.
8. Real jobs:
•They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too. You can't tell your secretary to "follow it down" if she drops her pen. And taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Sport is no longer part of your working week. Wednesday afternoons are for work, just like every other afternoon
9. The Law:
•Your civvy boss, unlike your C/O, can't save you and probably won't. In fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after he finds out you've been arrested.
•Even McDonalds do background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested and/or fired, not yelled at on Monday morning before being asked if you won.
10. General knowledge:
•You can in fact really say what you think about the Queen in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body. It's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are. Be polite.
•You no longer have to go to the POL point; just go to the BP garage like everyone else
Finally
11. Read the contracts before you sign them - remember what happened the first time...
MartG said:
For our military friends...
Things to consider whilst adjusting to Civvy street:
1. Speech:
•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred; it is not 0530 or 1400. It is 5:30am or 2 in the afternoon.
•Words like "pit", and "PT" will get you weird looks; use bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F uck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now. Try "um" instead.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "Roger That" or "Out"
2. Style:
•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•Do not refer to your suits numerically; your best jacket and trousers are not your number 1's
3. Women:
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal. Neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense". It makes you a retard.
Personal accomplishments:
•In the real world, being able to do lots of press-ups will not lead to automatic promotion or help your career in any way.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
4. Drinking:
•NATO is an organisation, not the way you want your tea made
•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you a written warning (or sacked), not a pat on the back from your boss.
•Shouting "Naked Bar" at your works Christmas party will have no effect.
•That time you drank a bottle of Absinth and shat in your pals suitcase is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will probably not impress a civilian.
5. Bodily functions:
•Farting on your co-workers and then laughing hysterically while you walk away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny regardless of how big it was, how much it burned, how much it smelled..... or how clear the photo is.
•You can't make fun of someone for their disability, no matter how funny the ailment is.
•VD will also not be funny.
The human body:
•Most people will not want to hear about or see your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
•If your arse is sore, don’t ask your colleague on the next desk if he can see what’s wrong with it.
6. Spending habits:
•One day, you will have to pay for the things that keep you alive; heat, light, shelter, food, doctor, etc, etc
•Buying a £30,000 car on a £16,000 a year salary is a really, really stupid idea.
•Spending money on video games instead of on nappies makes you a tw@t.
7. Interacting with civilians:
•Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not make you popular in the neighbourhood.
8. Real jobs:
•They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too. You can't tell your secretary to "follow it down" if she drops her pen. And taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Sport is no longer part of your working week. Wednesday afternoons are for work, just like every other afternoon
9. The Law:
•Your civvy boss, unlike your C/O, can't save you and probably won't. In fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after he finds out you've been arrested.
•Even McDonalds do background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested and/or fired, not yelled at on Monday morning before being asked if you won.
10. General knowledge:
•You can in fact really say what you think about the Queen in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body. It's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are. Be polite.
•You no longer have to go to the POL point; just go to the BP garage like everyone else
Finally
11. Read the contracts before you sign them - remember what happened the first time...
Not a single mention of Freckles - bone list.Things to consider whilst adjusting to Civvy street:
1. Speech:
•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred; it is not 0530 or 1400. It is 5:30am or 2 in the afternoon.
•Words like "pit", and "PT" will get you weird looks; use bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F uck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now. Try "um" instead.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "Roger That" or "Out"
2. Style:
•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•Do not refer to your suits numerically; your best jacket and trousers are not your number 1's
3. Women:
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal. Neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense". It makes you a retard.
Personal accomplishments:
•In the real world, being able to do lots of press-ups will not lead to automatic promotion or help your career in any way.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
4. Drinking:
•NATO is an organisation, not the way you want your tea made
•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you a written warning (or sacked), not a pat on the back from your boss.
•Shouting "Naked Bar" at your works Christmas party will have no effect.
•That time you drank a bottle of Absinth and shat in your pals suitcase is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will probably not impress a civilian.
5. Bodily functions:
•Farting on your co-workers and then laughing hysterically while you walk away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny regardless of how big it was, how much it burned, how much it smelled..... or how clear the photo is.
•You can't make fun of someone for their disability, no matter how funny the ailment is.
•VD will also not be funny.
The human body:
•Most people will not want to hear about or see your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
•If your arse is sore, don’t ask your colleague on the next desk if he can see what’s wrong with it.
6. Spending habits:
•One day, you will have to pay for the things that keep you alive; heat, light, shelter, food, doctor, etc, etc
•Buying a £30,000 car on a £16,000 a year salary is a really, really stupid idea.
•Spending money on video games instead of on nappies makes you a tw@t.
7. Interacting with civilians:
•Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not make you popular in the neighbourhood.
8. Real jobs:
•They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too. You can't tell your secretary to "follow it down" if she drops her pen. And taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Sport is no longer part of your working week. Wednesday afternoons are for work, just like every other afternoon
9. The Law:
•Your civvy boss, unlike your C/O, can't save you and probably won't. In fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after he finds out you've been arrested.
•Even McDonalds do background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested and/or fired, not yelled at on Monday morning before being asked if you won.
10. General knowledge:
•You can in fact really say what you think about the Queen in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body. It's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are. Be polite.
•You no longer have to go to the POL point; just go to the BP garage like everyone else
Finally
11. Read the contracts before you sign them - remember what happened the first time...
1st Olympic sailing results are in:
Gold:England UK
Silver: Australia
Bronze: USA
The Somalian boat was seen try to capture the above boats.
The cause of the Spanish boat sinking is under investigation (British boat is a suspect). The Irish boat was seen to be heading towards America and the Italian boat was heading backwards.
Edited for accuracy (again).
Gold:
Silver: Australia
Bronze: USA
The Somalian boat was seen try to capture the above boats.
The cause of the Spanish boat sinking is under investigation (British boat is a suspect). The Irish boat was seen to be heading towards America and the Italian boat was heading backwards.
Edited for accuracy (again).
Edited by IanUAE on Friday 5th August 09:56
Edited by IanUAE on Friday 5th August 13:10
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