Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired....
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired....
LivingTheDream said:
ChemicalChaos said:
What do you call a cubist portrait of the German Chancellor?
Angular Merkel
What do you call a German Chancellor who likes fishing?
Angler Merkel
What do you call a German chancellor who drives a Jeep?Angular Merkel
What do you call a German Chancellor who likes fishing?
Angler Merkel
Wrangler Merkel
(Am I doing this right?)
Fangler Merkel
A woman shopping at Adsa takes a
fancy to the young lad who is filling her
shopping bags, and she thinks to herself
"what a nice bum and lovely blue eyes,
what I couldn't do to him".
She stands waiting, feeling very horny
and, after paying, she says, "excuse me,
but is there any chance of you helping
me to carry my shopping to the car?",
"Certainly Madam, no problem at al|".
So off they set over the car park, walking
behind him makes her even randier and
she blurts out, "I've got a delicious itchy
fanny", he replies, "You'd better point it
out then Madam, all them Japanese cars
look the same to me".
fancy to the young lad who is filling her
shopping bags, and she thinks to herself
"what a nice bum and lovely blue eyes,
what I couldn't do to him".
She stands waiting, feeling very horny
and, after paying, she says, "excuse me,
but is there any chance of you helping
me to carry my shopping to the car?",
"Certainly Madam, no problem at al|".
So off they set over the car park, walking
behind him makes her even randier and
she blurts out, "I've got a delicious itchy
fanny", he replies, "You'd better point it
out then Madam, all them Japanese cars
look the same to me".
Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.
"If I gave you £20." she began, "and you gave £5 to Mary, £5 to Sally and £5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought about this an then answered, "An orgy?"
I was driving down a country lane when I shunted the car in front at a junction.
The lady driver got out and yelled "Ram me up the arse, why don't you!!!"
And this, your Honor, is where the misunderstanding started!!.
"If I gave you £20." she began, "and you gave £5 to Mary, £5 to Sally and £5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought about this an then answered, "An orgy?"
I was driving down a country lane when I shunted the car in front at a junction.
The lady driver got out and yelled "Ram me up the arse, why don't you!!!"
And this, your Honor, is where the misunderstanding started!!.
Edited by MartG on Friday 5th August 15:52
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
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