Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Two wives go out for a girls night out. Both got very drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls night out! My wife came home with no panties"
The other husband said "You think that's bad mine came home with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you!'
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls night out! My wife came home with no panties"
The other husband said "You think that's bad mine came home with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you!'
After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
An American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?”
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
“Why is my sister named Cornflower?”
“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?”
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.
Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
“Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?”
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
“Why is my sister named Cornflower?”
“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?”
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.
Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
MartG said:
An American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?”
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
“Why is my sister named Cornflower?”
“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?”
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.
Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
Another small Native American boy goes to his father and asks, 'How do you come up with names for your children?'“Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?”
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
“Why is my sister named Cornflower?”
“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?”
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.
Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
'It is very simple,' said his father, 'When the child is born, I open the door of the wigwam and the first thing I see - that is the name I give to the child.'
'When your brother was born, the first thing I saw was a deer running, so I called him Running Deer.'
'When your sister was born, the first thing I saw was a cloud in the morning sky, so she is called Morning Cloud.'
'But why do you ask, Two Dogs f
king?One day little Abby's mum was out and her dad was in charge of her.
Abby was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of her favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, her Mom came home.
Abby's Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"
Abby's Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know . . ... )
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Abby was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of her favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, her Mom came home.
Abby's Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"
Abby's Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know . . ... )
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off right now!"
"Why? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to bang when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the fking ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bh didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My fking forehead!"
"Damn, that really blows!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
"Why? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to bang when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the f
king ledge by my fingernails!""Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a b
h didn't piss out the window right onto my head?""Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My f
king forehead!""Damn, that really blows!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
Evangelion said:
I was supposed to meet my Irish friend Seamus in the pub this evening at eight, but when he turned up it was gone half-past 9.
I said, "What kept you?" He said, "Dinner."
I said, "I thought you were going to buy something quick and easy?"
Seamus said, "I did, I got one of those microwave curries, but it turned out I had to watch Goldeneye first."
"What on earth for?" I asked.
He replied, "It was in the instructions - 'Pierce film before cooking.'"
I like that.I said, "What kept you?" He said, "Dinner."
I said, "I thought you were going to buy something quick and easy?"
Seamus said, "I did, I got one of those microwave curries, but it turned out I had to watch Goldeneye first."
"What on earth for?" I asked.
He replied, "It was in the instructions - 'Pierce film before cooking.'"
One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and
it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and
it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times
Vipers said:
After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.She asks, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
You have been asked, time after time, to stop doing this, sometimes even nicely.
Why do you do it, are you really too f'ing thick to realise that this septic punchline b
ks is only for the massively hard of thinking?Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff