Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[glenrobbo]

Hugo a Gogo said:

I wrote all those petrol station puns and thought 'diesel be good'

Now you've gone and spoiled all your previous refined work. Oil take back my previous remarks.

[glenrobbo]

PoleDriver said:

mybrainhurts said:

PERMISSION TO SCREAM....??

Denied!

I thought the puns were supposed to be judged by Eth & Al?

[Usget]

mybrainhurts said:

PERMISSION TO SCREAM....??

Frack off

[mybrainhurts]

PoleDriver said:

mybrainhurts said:

PERMISSION TO SCREAM....??

Denied!

Bugger

[Laurel Green]

Have a joke-->

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

[vtecyo]

Evangelion said:

What? No jokes about Benzole? You lot are slipping!

I'm saving those for later for when I really come out of my Shell.

[antspants]

Laurel Green said:

Have a joke-->

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

At least she didn't ask if it would be covered in poo!

[K12beano]

"Do you have a favourite composer?"

"Liszt"


"No just one will do."

[K12beano]

"I went to Paris to hear recitals of compositions by their favourite 19th Century composer for piano music,"

"Chopin?"

"No, I told you, I went to listen to music!"

[Laurel Green]

Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

[Veeayt]

Pharaoh: Can I make a dinner reservation?
Clerk: Your name, Sir?
P: Shakrahotep
C: Can you spell it please?
P: Ok, a bird, two triangles, undulating line, sun, bird again, dog's head and scarab

[Laurel Green]

^^^ ^^^

Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?
A : Because his career was in ruins.

[Halmyre]

There's this student who's browsing in the mathematics section of the campus bookshop and he asks the assistant for help. The assistant picks up a book.

"This book will cut your workload by a third", he says.

"That's great", replies the student, "I'll take four copies".

[schmunk]

GCSE question:

How much of his workload does the student retain?

Edited by schmunk on Saturday 27th August 07:26

[Vaud]

schmunk said:

GCSE question:

How much of his workload does the student retain?

Edited by schmunk on Saturday 27th August 07:26

Depends.

Is it:

x = original workload
w = new workload

w = x - 4(1/3x) (each book takes off 1/3 of initial workload)

or

w = ((((2/3x)) * 2/3x) * 2/3x) * 2/3x) (each book successively takes of 1/3 of workload)

etc

Kittens, dissected, etc

[Dixy]

None, he is a student, so never does any work in the first place.

[K12beano]

[Jasandjules]

Well if you don't know I'm not telling you....

[havoc]

Vaud said:

schmunk said:

GCSE question:

How much of his workload does the student retain?

Edited by schmunk on Saturday 27th August 07:26

Depends.

Is it:

x = original workload
w = new workload

w = x - 4(1/3x) (each book takes off 1/3 of initial workload)

or

w = ((((2/3x)) * 2/3x) * 2/3x) * 2/3x) (each book successively takes of 1/3 of workload)

etc

Kittens, dissected, etc

Sadly, I'd already had that thought before schmunk posted...

[MartG]

Too true - whilst at Sunderland Airshow earlier this year I saw a family where the three generations present ( grandmother, adults, & teenage kids ) were all tagged