Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
R39S1 said:
Laurel Green said:
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Kitten alert! Corona and Budweiser are owned by the same company, Anheusar-Busch InBev who are in the process of buying SABMillers owner of Coors, so Carlos Brito ordered at least two drinks Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Halmyre said:
R39S1 said:
Laurel Green said:
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Kitten alert! Corona and Budweiser are owned by the same company, Anheusar-Busch InBev who are in the process of buying SABMillers owner of Coors, so Carlos Brito ordered at least two drinks Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
"Stout is a dark beer..."
schmunk said:
Halmyre said:
R39S1 said:
Laurel Green said:
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Kitten alert! Corona and Budweiser are owned by the same company, Anheusar-Busch InBev who are in the process of buying SABMillers owner of Coors, so Carlos Brito ordered at least two drinks Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
"Stout is a dark beer..."
A woman goes to a therapist and says " I had to come and see you, I think I'm turning kinky."
Therapist says " Go behind the cutain, strip off and lie on the couch."
She does this and nothing happens, all she hears is heavy breathing and grunting.
"Okay says the therapist you can get dressed now."
Woman replies, "But you haven't done anything."
"Yes I have." he says, "I'm kinky as well, I've just s
t in your handbag!"
Therapist says " Go behind the cutain, strip off and lie on the couch."
She does this and nothing happens, all she hears is heavy breathing and grunting.
"Okay says the therapist you can get dressed now."
Woman replies, "But you haven't done anything."
"Yes I have." he says, "I'm kinky as well, I've just s
t in your handbag!" 
mattyn1 said:
A woman goes to a therapist and says " I had to come and see you, I think I'm turning kinky."
Therapist says " Go behind the cutain, strip off and lie on the couch."
She does this and nothing happens, all she hears is heavy breathing and grunting.
"Okay says the therapist you can get dressed now."
Woman replies, "But you haven't done anything."
"Yes I have." he says, "I'm kinky as well, I've just st in your handbag!"
Therapist says " Go behind the cutain, strip off and lie on the couch."
She does this and nothing happens, all she hears is heavy breathing and grunting.
"Okay says the therapist you can get dressed now."
Woman replies, "But you haven't done anything."
"Yes I have." he says, "I'm kinky as well, I've just s
t in your handbag!" 
Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they're finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on
Their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of
heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the
Smile,' says the Coroner.
"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the
Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile." he says.
The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy,
Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken".
Their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of
heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the
Smile,' says the Coroner.
"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the
Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile." he says.
The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy,
Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken".
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "ps off, ya fookin' little wkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p
s off, ya fookin' little wkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
MartG said:
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "ps off, ya fookin' little wkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Was that when the fight started?"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p
s off, ya fookin' little wkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Ayahuasca said:
MartG said:
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "ps off, ya fookin' little wkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Was that when the fight started?"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p
s off, ya fookin' little wkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Laurel Green said:
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
How true that is. Good one. 
I went to see the RED ARROWS yesterday.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show
MartG said:
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "ps off, ya fookin' little wkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
I always preferred the vampire version, just saying the punchline on it's own makes me laugh. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p
s off, ya fookin' little wkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick sister! Show him your cross."
The other nun leans out of the window and shouts,
"Oi, get off our car you toothy little
."A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him:
“Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?”
St Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.”
“What word?,” she asks. “Please tell me!”
“Spell LOVE,” and you can enter, replied St Peter.
Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her.
After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates.
Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.
“Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much…tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?”
Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then – I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head…so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?”
The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too…but, well, I guess life goes on – right?”
“Right!,” he said. “So, tell me…how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I’d get here. Is it easy to get in?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word”
“Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?”
“Czechoslovakia”
“Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?”
St Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.”
“What word?,” she asks. “Please tell me!”
“Spell LOVE,” and you can enter, replied St Peter.
Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her.
After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates.
Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.
“Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much…tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?”
Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then – I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head…so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?”
The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too…but, well, I guess life goes on – right?”
“Right!,” he said. “So, tell me…how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I’d get here. Is it easy to get in?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word”
“Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?”
“Czechoslovakia”
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