Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
PoleDriver said:
mattyn1 said:
A woman goes to a therapist and says " I had to come and see you, I think I'm turning kinky."
Therapist says " Go behind the cutain, strip off and lie on the couch."
She does this and nothing happens, all she hears is heavy breathing and grunting.
"Okay says the therapist you can get dressed now."
Woman replies, "But you haven't done anything."
"Yes I have." he says, "I'm kinky as well, I've just s
t in your handbag!"
Therapist says " Go behind the cutain, strip off and lie on the couch."
She does this and nothing happens, all she hears is heavy breathing and grunting.
"Okay says the therapist you can get dressed now."
Woman replies, "But you haven't done anything."
"Yes I have." he says, "I'm kinky as well, I've just s
t in your handbag!" 
This is how it's supposed to go.
A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink and sees a beautiful blonde haired girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says, "Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?" "Sure," she says, "have a seat." The man sits down and they get to talking. "You know," the man says, "This is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed." "REALLY?!?!" the girl says, "My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky. Do you want to go back to my placae and get a little kinky?" So they finish their drinks and leave. When they get to the girls house, she says, "Wait here I'm going to slip into something a little more kinky." She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door. She says, "Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!" He says, "Jesus, lady I already s
t in your purse and fked your dog. What more do you want me to do?" He never heard the shot.
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his arse up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
There was a chap who was really into clay pigeon shooting, spent every waking minute at the range won prizes by the dozen.One day he getsto the range to find he had forgotten to pack his shoulder pading, so goes back home.Pops upstairs to get it and finds his wife in bed with another man.
Drags the guy out of bed and aims his rifle at the chap.
' I am going to blow your balls off'
The chap starts to panic and begs for mercy
'No ,please dont, give me a chance'
The husband thought for a moment and said
'OK, swing them'
Drags the guy out of bed and aims his rifle at the chap.
' I am going to blow your balls off'
The chap starts to panic and begs for mercy
'No ,please dont, give me a chance'
The husband thought for a moment and said
'OK, swing them'
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'" "What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Ramu: "HIJKLMNO"!! Teacher: What are you talking about? Ramu: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Ramu: "HIJKLMNO"!! Teacher: What are you talking about? Ramu: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Laurel Green said:
A woman arrived at a party. (etc) "What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
1:30 - 1:50 (NSFW)He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMHhy-mGndI
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... “Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... “Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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