Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, the UK’s illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' .
Little Tommy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron 'That would be an accident.'
Then little Susie raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane, carrying you and George Osbourne, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be a f
king accident either!’.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, the UK’s illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' .
Little Tommy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron 'That would be an accident.'
Then little Susie raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane, carrying you and George Osbourne, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be a f
king accident either!’.
Vipers said:
David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, the UK’s illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' .
Little Tommy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron 'That would be an accident.'
Then little Susie raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane, carrying you and George Osbourne, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be a fking accident either!’.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, the UK’s illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' .
Little Tommy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron 'That would be an accident.'
Then little Susie raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane, carrying you and George Osbourne, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be a f
king accident either!’.
Caruso said:
Vipers said:
David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, the UK’s illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' .
Little Tommy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron 'That would be an accident.'
Then little Susie raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane, carrying you and George Osbourne, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be a fking accident either!’.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, the UK’s illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' .
Little Tommy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron 'That would be an accident.'
Then little Susie raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane, carrying you and George Osbourne, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be a f
king accident either!’.
Troubleatmill said:
Caruso said:
Vipers said:
David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, the UK’s illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' .
Little Tommy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron 'That would be an accident.'
Then little Susie raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane, carrying you and George Osbourne, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be a fking accident either!’.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, the UK’s illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' .
Little Tommy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron 'That would be an accident.'
Then little Susie raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane, carrying you and George Osbourne, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be a f
king accident either!’.Anyway onwards and upwards as they say.
Talking of old'uns:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the ASDA security guy sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
I ken what you mean jimmy, as they say in this part of the country.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff