Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
glenrobbo said:
Vipers said:
glenrobbo said:
Vipers,
You missed out the punchline!
OMG...... You missed out the punchline!
I ken what you mean jimmy, as they say in this part of the country.
Unless somebody drops a penny!
Apologies in advance if done before:
An Asian guy living in UK, 2nd generation, gets a call from his ancestral homeland saying that his dear old granddad is nearing the end, and would like to see him before he passes.
So, straight on next available plane, goes to see the old chap in hospital, in ITU by this time.
The old chap is so glad to see him and beckons him to come close, and then whispers into his ear 'allah iqubal shah sum meshum fallah', then suddenly his eyes rolled up, he went very pale and with this passed on.
Our chap thinks 'blimey, that was obviously something really profound he was trying to tell me', but being only an English speaker he did not understand what the old chap had said.
So, on return to the UK he decided he must know what had been said, so he went to see the local imam and asked what 'allah iqubal shah sum meshum fallah' meant. The imam looked very puzzled and said 'are you sure that's what he said?' Yep, absolutely sure said the young guy.
Well, said the imam, it means 'you're standing on my f
king oxygen line'
An Asian guy living in UK, 2nd generation, gets a call from his ancestral homeland saying that his dear old granddad is nearing the end, and would like to see him before he passes.
So, straight on next available plane, goes to see the old chap in hospital, in ITU by this time.
The old chap is so glad to see him and beckons him to come close, and then whispers into his ear 'allah iqubal shah sum meshum fallah', then suddenly his eyes rolled up, he went very pale and with this passed on.
Our chap thinks 'blimey, that was obviously something really profound he was trying to tell me', but being only an English speaker he did not understand what the old chap had said.
So, on return to the UK he decided he must know what had been said, so he went to see the local imam and asked what 'allah iqubal shah sum meshum fallah' meant. The imam looked very puzzled and said 'are you sure that's what he said?' Yep, absolutely sure said the young guy.
Well, said the imam, it means 'you're standing on my f
king oxygen line'
I was inThailand last week and nearly went to bed with a ladyboy.
I met this gorgeous woman in a bar, looked every inch of a woman, spoke like a woman, moved like a women.
At the end of the evening she invited me back to her house.
We drove home in her Merc, when we got there she stopped on the road, and in one swift movement reversed the car into the garage.
I thought "Hang on a minute.............."
I met this gorgeous woman in a bar, looked every inch of a woman, spoke like a woman, moved like a women.
At the end of the evening she invited me back to her house.
We drove home in her Merc, when we got there she stopped on the road, and in one swift movement reversed the car into the garage.
I thought "Hang on a minute.............."
Vipers said:
I was inThailand last week and nearly went to bed with a ladyboy.
I met this gorgeous woman in a bar, looked every inch of a woman, spoke like a woman, moved like a women.
At the end of the evening she invited me back to her house.
We drove home in her Merc, when we got there she stopped on the road, and in one swift movement reversed the car into the garage.
I thought "Hang on a minute.............."
someone, ban vipers I met this gorgeous woman in a bar, looked every inch of a woman, spoke like a woman, moved like a women.
At the end of the evening she invited me back to her house.
We drove home in her Merc, when we got there she stopped on the road, and in one swift movement reversed the car into the garage.
I thought "Hang on a minute.............."
god they are woeful40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying 'I've got 40 gypsies here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota ons. Go back to the gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the gates'.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying 'I've got 40 gypsies here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on
s. Go back to the gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a dozen in.'Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the gates'.
Some more golden oldies.
As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting
how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved,
winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my f-ing bike.
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bd!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".
VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of £25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD
entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans
would you know which one made you fart?"
As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting
how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved,
winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my f-ing bike.
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick b
d!The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".
VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of £25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD
entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans
would you know which one made you fart?"
moanthebairns said:
Vipers said:
I was inThailand last week and nearly went to bed with a ladyboy.
I met this gorgeous woman in a bar, looked every inch of a woman, spoke like a woman, moved like a women.
At the end of the evening she invited me back to her house.
We drove home in her Merc, when we got there she stopped on the road, and in one swift movement reversed the car into the garage.
I thought "Hang on a minute.............."
someone, ban vipers I met this gorgeous woman in a bar, looked every inch of a woman, spoke like a woman, moved like a women.
At the end of the evening she invited me back to her house.
We drove home in her Merc, when we got there she stopped on the road, and in one swift movement reversed the car into the garage.
I thought "Hang on a minute.............."
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