Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A newly ordained priest is walking through a rough part of town in his new parish and meets a young girl leaning against a wall. "Hello father, fancy a quickie, only ten quid?" says he. "No, thank you" says the slightly confused young priest. A few yards further on, another comely young lady leaning on a lamppost. "Hello father, fancy a quickie, only ten quid?" says he. "No, thank you" says he. He ends up back at the pastoral house, where the local Mother Superior is paying a visit. "Mother Superior, what's a quickie" says he, puzzled.
"Ten quid, same as in town".
"Ten quid, same as in town".
Skyrat said:
This wee boy is mad about tractors. He has little toy tractors, big toy tractors, posters of tractors all over his bedroom walls. At the age of 16 his dad takes him aside and says "there's more to life than tractors, when I was your age I had pictures of girls on my bedroom walls".
A week later all the tractors have gone from his room, and up on the walls are pictures of attractive female actors, models and singers. His dad is pleased.
So the son is walking home from school one day when he sees this warehouse completely engulfed by fire, but the fire brigade are all standing about watching it.
"What are you doing?" says the boy, "Shouldn't you be inside trying to put out the fire?"
He's told by one of the firies that there's too much hot gas and smoke inside, they can't get near it.
"Leave this to me" he says. He walks up, opens the door and inhales deeply. As he does that, he sucks out all the smoke and gases and blows them up into the air, allowing the firefighters into the building.
The senior officer comes up to him and says "That's amazing, I've never seen anything like it in my life. How did you do that?"
"Easy" says the boy.
"I'm an ex-tractor fan"
A week later all the tractors have gone from his room, and up on the walls are pictures of attractive female actors, models and singers. His dad is pleased.
So the son is walking home from school one day when he sees this warehouse completely engulfed by fire, but the fire brigade are all standing about watching it.
"What are you doing?" says the boy, "Shouldn't you be inside trying to put out the fire?"
He's told by one of the firies that there's too much hot gas and smoke inside, they can't get near it.
"Leave this to me" he says. He walks up, opens the door and inhales deeply. As he does that, he sucks out all the smoke and gases and blows them up into the air, allowing the firefighters into the building.
The senior officer comes up to him and says "That's amazing, I've never seen anything like it in my life. How did you do that?"
"Easy" says the boy.
"I'm an ex-tractor fan"
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as the imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgeryperformed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as the imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgeryperformed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Halmyre said:
A newly ordained priest is walking through a rough part of town in his new parish and meets a young girl leaning against a wall. "Hello father, fancy a quickie, only ten quid?" says he. "No, thank you" says the slightly confused young priest. A few yards further on, another comely young lady leaning on a lamppost. "Hello father, fancy a quickie, only ten quid?" says he. "No, thank you" says he. He ends up back at the pastoral house, where the local Mother Superior is paying a visit. "Mother Superior, what's a quickie" says he, puzzled.
"Ten quid, same as in town".
Even the OH laughed, that's a first. Well done "Ten quid, same as in town".
koenig d said:
What's thr difference between a camera and sock?
You can only get photos in a camera
Only really works in a northern accent to me! My old man is a northerner and used to tell that one to me every sodding week (felt like that anyway!). Another one...You can only get photos in a camera
How does a blind man tell the difference between bing Crosby and Walt Disney??
Bing sings and Walt Disney.
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