Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

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jbudgie

8,843 posts

211 months

Saturday 24th September 2016
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Jonboy_t said:
koenig d said:
What's thr difference between a camera and sock?










You can only get photos in a camera
Only really works in a northern accent to me! My old man is a northerner and used to tell that one to me every sodding week (felt like that anyway!). Another one...

How does a blind man tell the difference between bing Crosby and Walt Disney??

Bing sings and Walt Disney.
Another Bing one.

What do Bing Crosby and Adolf Hitler have in common ??

Both died in a bunker !!

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Saturday 24th September 2016
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I don't know which I dislike the most - the petty xenophobia of Nigel Farage, or the French

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Saturday 24th September 2016
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I've developed a taste for fabric conditioner.
My doctor says it's just Comfort eating.

tezzer

983 posts

185 months

Saturday 24th September 2016
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If Isla St Clair had married Barry White then divorced and married Brian Ferry she could have been known as Isla White Ferry.

Hugo a Gogo

23,378 posts

232 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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Ok. Which one died?

koenig d

127 posts

179 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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Transit van turns with fishing rod type Aries turns over after colliding with a roundabout,
The van then carriers through the pedestrian barrier,
A man walking on the footpath gets hit between the legs by the transits antena.
Emergency services arrive at the RTA
Paramedics diagnose the pedestrian as the worse case of vanaireal disease ever recorded

PoleDriver

28,616 posts

193 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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confused

Vaud

50,289 posts

154 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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koenig d said:
Transit van turns with fishing rod type Aries turns over after colliding with a roundabout,
The van then carriers through the pedestrian barrier,
A man walking on the footpath gets hit between the legs by the transits antena.
Emergency services arrive at the RTA
Paramedics diagnose the pedestrian as the worse case of vanaireal disease ever recorded
I think he meant this:

A transit van turns with a fishing rod type aerial turns over after colliding with a roundabout,
The van then careered through the pedestrian barrier,
A man walking on the footpath was hit between the legs by the transits aerial.
Emergency services arrive at the accident
Paramedics diagnose the pedestrian as the worse case of vanaerial disease ever recorded

PoleDriver

28,616 posts

193 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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Vaud said:
I think he meant this:

A transit van turns with a fishing rod type aerial turns over after colliding with a roundabout,
The van then careered through the pedestrian barrier,
A man walking on the footpath was hit between the legs by the transits aerial.
Emergency services arrive at the accident
Paramedics diagnose the pedestrian as the worse case of vanaerial disease ever recorded
But it's an accident, not a disease! (Pass the kitten scalpel)

Vaud

50,289 posts

154 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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PoleDriver said:
But it's an accident, not a disease! (Pass the kitten scalpel)
It's also a rubbish joke, but I'm just the translator.

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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sleepera6 said:
2 men walked in to a bar. The third was a man.
snigger snigger
I'm sorry, I'm still struggling with this one... confused

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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Little Johnny is my talented five-year-old nephew. He's very curious and always asking questions - we hope he'll grow up to be some clever scientist.

Anyway, I went over the other day with my girlfriend and in our new sports car.

"Wow!" He says on seeing us. He seems almost speechless - at the same time I do feel a bit smug.

"Fast?" He enquires.

"Yes", I say, "very!!"

"How come?" He asks, giving me one of his typical curious looks.

"Well", I say "it's on the simple principle of ....

Suck
Squeeze
Bang
Blow

....and that's just repeated over and over"

He looks at me, rolls his eyes rolleyes , and very slowly says: "DUH!!! I'm. Not. Talking. About. Your. fking. we."

omgus

7,305 posts

174 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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Halmyre said:
A newly ordained priest is walking through a rough part of town in his new parish and meets a young girl leaning against a wall. "Hello father, fancy a quickie, only ten quid?" says he. "No, thank you" says the slightly confused young priest. A few yards further on, another comely young lady leaning on a lamppost. "Hello father, fancy a quickie, only ten quid?" says he. "No, thank you" says he. He ends up back at the pastoral house, where the local Mother Superior is paying a visit. "Mother Superior, what's a quickie" says he, puzzled.
"Ten quid, same as in town".
rofl

Genuinely new (to me) joke.


N8CYL

457 posts

149 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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"Saw a flat dog today"

"How do you know it was flat?"

"Cos the other one was pumping it up...."

Boom Boom

Vipers

32,799 posts

227 months

Sunday 25th September 2016
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A texan couple were having trouble concieving, she had been checked out by a gynocologists and was fine, so she booked her husband in to see the doctor.

He came home wearing a brand new 10 gallon hat, brand spanking leather boots, and leather waistcoat, and diamond studded boot lace tie.

His wife said what "Wow, what happened, what did the doctor tell you"

He said "The doctor told me me I was impotent, and by golly if I am impotent, I will look impotent"




smile

Yes I know its an oldie

fatboy18

18,930 posts

210 months

Monday 26th September 2016
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He's 'IN THE HOLE'

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Monday 26th September 2016
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fatboy18 said:
He's 'IN THE HOLE'
I'm obviously a bit green, but what are you on about....

LordGrover

33,531 posts

211 months

Monday 26th September 2016
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K12beano said:
fatboy18 said:
He's 'IN THE HOLE'
I'm obviously a bit green, but what are you on about....
click

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Monday 26th September 2016
quotequote all
LordGrover said:
K12beano said:
fatboy18 said:
He's 'IN THE HOLE'
I'm obviously a bit green, but what are you on about....
click
Fairway enough

Monkeylegend

26,226 posts

230 months

Monday 26th September 2016
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K12beano said:
LordGrover said:
K12beano said:
fatboy18 said:
He's 'IN THE HOLE'
I'm obviously a bit green, but what are you on about....
click
Fairway enough
He was feeling a bit under par for a while.

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