Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[K12beano]

MartG said:

.... by the time you finish shaking the st out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an ahole with a briefcase

Hmm



Tough call. See, I like it, but when can a truism ever be a joke??? [/kittens]

[Moonhawk]

V6Pushfit said:

One of the best joke with my son:

Me: I've got a great 'knock knock' joke, want to her it?
Him: Yeah Dad
Me: Ok you start
Him: Knock knock
Me: Whose there?
Him:....... ....... ...

Just tested that on my wife - it works

[anonymous-user]

She calls you Dad????

[MartG]

I've just been diagnosed as colourblind.
The news came like a bolt from the purple.

[Laurel Green]

MartG said:

I've just been diagnosed as colourblind.
The news came like a bolt from the purple.

Silly Billy!

[trixyD]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.

[Halmyre]

V6Pushfit said:

One of the best joke with my son:

Me: I've got a great 'knock knock' joke, want to her it?
Him: Yeah Dad
Me: Ok you start
Him: Knock knock
Me: Whose there?
Him:....... ....... ...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass

[Laurel Green]

I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment." I said, "I don't get it." He said, "That's right."

[Laurel Green]

A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

[anonymous-user]

A blonde picked up her black dress from the dry cleaners.
As she was leaving the cleaner said 'come again'.
It was chewing gum you cheeky bd was the reply ..

[Laurel Green]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out and again went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"

[MartG]

[Evangelion]

You don't mind if I call you Boy George? You're obviously a comma comedian.

[MartG]

Cornish Star Wars:

Luke, I is yurfaather
Wuh ?
Yuerd
Geddon
I bleddyis
Forreal ?
An Leia's yur sister
st, I fancy 'er
Tis allowed in Bodmin

[anonymous-user]

Evangelion said:

You don't mind if I call you Boy George? You're obviously a comma comedian.

:

[antspants]

V6Pushfit said:

One of the best joke with my son:

Me: I've got a great 'knock knock' joke, want to her it?
Him: Yeah Dad
Me: Ok you start
Him: Knock knock
Me: Whose there?
Him:....... ....... ...

yep my son liked that as well. "That's funny, you read that on Pistolheads didn't you"

[CanAm]

Laurel Green said:

A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute angina." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

Fixed that for you.

[callmedave]

Got one of those new fivers today I was told they are supposed to last longer than the paper ones, What a load of rubbish, Two Pasties a packet of crisps and a bottle of coke and it was gone!

[MartG]

I've just being to my local fast food establishment - it's called " The Subtract " because it's a takeaway....

[ChemicalChaos]

Not sure if he's actually being serious rather than joking, but it certainly made me laugh...