Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a Long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to to?
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box ."
My teetotal friend and I went out for a drink the other day. Over a beer and a diet coke the conversation went like this.
Him: How much do you drink?
Me: About 3 beers a day.
Him: How much is a beer?
Me: About £5 (this conversation was taking place in London...)
Him: How long have you been drinking?
Me: About 20 years I suppose.
Him: So 3 beers a day at £5 is £450 a month and about £5400 a year?
Me: Up it a bit, Christmas party season is a bit heavy...
Him: So over the last 20 years, you've probably spent in the region of £100,000 on beer right??
Me: I suppose so.
Him: Do you realize that if you had put that money in a savings account you could easily have bought yourself a Ferrari by now? (Silly non sailor, should have said boat...)
Me: You don't drink beer do you?
Him: No, you know that!
Me: So where's your Effing Ferrari then?
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
ChemicalChaos said:
One for the Liverpool residents:
"Driver, is this bus going to Speke?"
"Dunno, it hasn't said anything to me"
And an old one from Glasgow:"Driver, is this bus going to Speke?"
"Dunno, it hasn't said anything to me"
Man gets on bus, asks for a ticket to Partick.
"We're no gaun tae Partick", says the conductress (told you it was old).
"But it says Partick on the front", says the passenger.
"Aye, well, it says India on the tyres but we're no gaun there either".
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked...
"And where were you when I got married?"
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked...
"And where were you when I got married?"
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language..."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language..."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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