Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
t out of the jokes thread. 
Vaud said:
There was a young poster called LordGrover
Who really started to fret
He wrote about some twit
With not inconsiderable wit
All became clear; he had lost a bet!
There was a young poster called VaudWho really started to fret
He wrote about some twit
With not inconsiderable wit
All became clear; he had lost a bet!
Whose lymerics were a bit crap
His rhyming was odd
And his scanning wasn't very good
But Vaud seemed happy, poor chap
Bill goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Bill explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty pence"
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Bill explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty pence"
Chap goes into a bar and the barman says "Good evening sir, what would you like to drink?"
"That's very kind of you", says the customer, "I'll have a double 21 year old Macallan".
Customer downs the whisky and the barman says "That'll be £20 please".
"Oh no", says the customer, "you invited me to have a drink. No implication of payment was made or assumed."
After a lengthy argument the barman relents but tell the customer he's barred for life.
Next night the customer wanders in and the barman tells him to "get out, you're barred".
"Why is that?" responds the customer.
A lengthy argument enuses in which the customer swears blind he's never been in the bar before.
"Oh well", says the defeated barman. "You must have a double".
"That's very kind of you", says the customer. "21 year old Macallan, if you don't mind".
"That's very kind of you", says the customer, "I'll have a double 21 year old Macallan".
Customer downs the whisky and the barman says "That'll be £20 please".
"Oh no", says the customer, "you invited me to have a drink. No implication of payment was made or assumed."
After a lengthy argument the barman relents but tell the customer he's barred for life.
Next night the customer wanders in and the barman tells him to "get out, you're barred".
"Why is that?" responds the customer.
A lengthy argument enuses in which the customer swears blind he's never been in the bar before.
"Oh well", says the defeated barman. "You must have a double".
"That's very kind of you", says the customer. "21 year old Macallan, if you don't mind".
I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out.
A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew the shotgun over and it discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his surgeon..
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?"asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your Todger which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the surgeon. "She's a flute player in the London Philharmonic Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye"
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his surgeon..
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?"asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your Todger which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the surgeon. "She's a flute player in the London Philharmonic Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye"
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