Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Bullies! 
Leave poor old Vipers alone.
Just to keep on topic, another blast from the past:
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?'
'No,' he replies.
The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies: 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!'
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?'
'No!' replies the assistant. The penguin says 'Got any grapes?'
Leave poor old Vipers alone. Just to keep on topic, another blast from the past:
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?'
'No,' he replies.
The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies: 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!'
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?'
'No!' replies the assistant. The penguin says 'Got any grapes?'
LordGrover said:
Bullies! Leave poor old Vipers alone.
Just to keep on topic, another blast from the past:
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?'
'No,' he replies.
The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies: 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!'
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?'
'No!' replies the assistant. The penguin says 'Got any grapes?'
Bloody hell, Vipers has managed to get Grover's login! Leave poor old Vipers alone. Just to keep on topic, another blast from the past:
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?'
'No,' he replies.
The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies: 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!'
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?'
'No!' replies the assistant. The penguin says 'Got any grapes?'
LordGrover said:
Bullies! Leave poor old Vipers alone.
Just to keep on topic, another blast from the past:
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?'
'No,' he replies.
The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies: 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!'
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?'
'No!' replies the assistant. The penguin says 'Got any grapes?'
www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q Leave poor old Vipers alone. Just to keep on topic, another blast from the past:
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?'
'No,' he replies.
The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies: 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!'
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?'
'No!' replies the assistant. The penguin says 'Got any grapes?'
Go on, click it, you know you want to...
An elderly couple,Denise and Jeffrey, were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 18 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?” The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 9 inches?”
“No, it’s turned black.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?” The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 9 inches?”
“No, it’s turned black.
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them.... Here's how it goes: 'Excuse me, love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Especially effective on blondes
Especially effective on blondes
callmedave said:
LordGrover said:
He has no way to know when to stop picking up eggs. He may be a 'while'.
Oh, it's what I thought then. I didn't find that one funny."please go to the shop and buy bread. If they have eggs get a dozen"
"here are twelve loaves of bread. They have eggs."
??
king nuts!!Nom de ploom said:
callmedave said:
LordGrover said:
He has no way to know when to stop picking up eggs. He may be a 'while'.
Oh, it's what I thought then. I didn't find that one funny."please go to the shop and buy bread. If they have eggs get a dozen"
"here are twelve loaves of bread. They have eggs."
??
I told the lads at work this today, stolen for going round the doors at Halloween Paddy took his son out for his first pint. Off they went to their local pub only two blocks from their house.
Paddy got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so he drank it himself.
Next Paddy got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so Paddy drank that too.
Finally, he thought he might like some Harp Lager? His son spat it out. So Paddy drank it.
Then Paddy tought hmmm, maybe he'd like whiskey better dan beer - so we tried a Jameson's!
Nope!
In desperation, Paddy asked the barman for some rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could Paddy do but drink it!
By the time he realized that his son just didn't like the drink, he was so fechin' drunk he could hardly push his stroller back home.
Paddy got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so he drank it himself.
Next Paddy got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so Paddy drank that too.
Finally, he thought he might like some Harp Lager? His son spat it out. So Paddy drank it.
Then Paddy tought hmmm, maybe he'd like whiskey better dan beer - so we tried a Jameson's!
Nope!
In desperation, Paddy asked the barman for some rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could Paddy do but drink it!
By the time he realized that his son just didn't like the drink, he was so fechin' drunk he could hardly push his stroller back home.
One dark night in the small town of Mossman , FNQ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ' All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me. '
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the fire engine of the nearby Boonga, Boonga volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal fire-fighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal fire-fighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
Within a short time, the Boonga Boonga old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire-fighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The ' on camera ' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, ' What are you going to do with all that money? '
'Well, ' said Chief Willy, the 70-year-old fire chief, ' De furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat f-in ' fire truck!! '
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ' All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me. '
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the fire engine of the nearby Boonga, Boonga volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal fire-fighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal fire-fighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
Within a short time, the Boonga Boonga old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire-fighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The ' on camera ' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, ' What are you going to do with all that money? '
'Well, ' said Chief Willy, the 70-year-old fire chief, ' De furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat f-in ' fire truck!! '
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '
Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'
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