Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
MartG said:
As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me.
My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.
"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.
"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."
He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."
"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone?
I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"
"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."
Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.
And it took them a week to fill in the hole in the floor...My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.
"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.
"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."
He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."
"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone?
I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"
"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."
Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.
Reminds me of a few years ago when I had an out of date phone (still have come to think of it - don't see the point in paying a small fortune for something that will be out of date again in a week). For about the fifth time that night my irritating mate was delighting in showing everybody how the battery out of my phone was bigger than his entire phone.
So I said, "At least when we all put our phones on the table, I can tell which one's mine."
He replied, "Yes, it can be the table we all put ours on."
So I said, "At least when we all put our phones on the table, I can tell which one's mine."
He replied, "Yes, it can be the table we all put ours on."
The other day I went over to a nearby Boots Pharmacy.
When I got there, I went straight to the rear of the shop to where the Pharmacist's’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" As I a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swirled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!" So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
When I got there, I went straight to the rear of the shop to where the Pharmacist's’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" As I a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swirled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!" So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
K12beano said:
V6Pushfit said:
Is the punchline missing?
He's no Vipers, is he???
I had a chuckle at the joke though, for some reason it sort of reminded me of the dog joke when a bloke in the pub said my dog will only do what I tell it to, no one else can make my dog do anything.
A guy in the bar bet for £100 he could make the dog do something for him.
Your on said the owner.
So he picked up the dog, threw it on the fire and said "Get off"
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
Vipers said:
So cruel, and so early in the morning
I had a chuckle at the joke though, for some reason it sort of reminded me of the dog joke when a bloke in the pub said my dog will only do what I tell it to, no one else can make my dog do anything.
A guy in the bar bet for £100 he could make the dog do something for him.
Your on said the owner.
So he picked up the dog, threw it on the fire and said "Get off"
But - Kittens and Scalpels out - maybe the dog didn't obey him, just sat there and went "woof".....?I had a chuckle at the joke though, for some reason it sort of reminded me of the dog joke when a bloke in the pub said my dog will only do what I tell it to, no one else can make my dog do anything.
A guy in the bar bet for £100 he could make the dog do something for him.
Your on said the owner.
So he picked up the dog, threw it on the fire and said "Get off"
K12beano said:
Vipers said:
So cruel, and so early in the morning
I had a chuckle at the joke though, for some reason it sort of reminded me of the dog joke when a bloke in the pub said my dog will only do what I tell it to, no one else can make my dog do anything.
A guy in the bar bet for £100 he could make the dog do something for him.
Your on said the owner.
So he picked up the dog, threw it on the fire and said "Get off"
But - Kittens and Scalpels out - maybe the dog didn't obey him, just sat there and went "woof".....?I had a chuckle at the joke though, for some reason it sort of reminded me of the dog joke when a bloke in the pub said my dog will only do what I tell it to, no one else can make my dog do anything.
A guy in the bar bet for £100 he could make the dog do something for him.
Your on said the owner.
So he picked up the dog, threw it on the fire and said "Get off"
Samcat said:
...snippage...
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
For the record, according to Mythbusters it makes no difference.Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCQ2oZtVNpg
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