Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Text from daughter to mum.
Hello mum need some advise. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from mum to daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Daughter back to mum.
Oh My God, I meant to spell Gum.
DavieW said:
Text from daughter to mum.
Hello mum need some advise. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from mum to daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Daughter back to mum.
Oh My God, I meant to spell Gum.
Hello mum need some advise. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?
Text from mum to daughter.
Its nice you can send me frank text, No you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Daughter back to mum.
Oh My God, I meant to spell Gum.
AndyDubbya said:
Halmyre said:
MartG said:
A guy goes into a Scottish baker's.
"How much is that cake?"
"A poond."
"And how much is that one?"
"A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!"
"Oh, OK. What about that one?"
"Ach, that one's two poonds."
"Oh. Why's that then?"
"That's Madeira cake.".
A Scottish soldier newly arrived at the Front is being brought up to speed by an old hand. They are discussing the local cuisine."How much is that cake?"
"A poond."
"And how much is that one?"
"A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!"
"Oh, OK. What about that one?"
"Ach, that one's two poonds."
"Oh. Why's that then?"
"That's Madeira cake.".
Old Hand - "Eggs is oofs, so if ye want an egg ye ask for 'an oof'."
New Recruit - "What if ye want twa eggs?"
Old Hand - "Well, ye jist ask for 'twa oofs', the silly buggers gie ye three, an' ye send wan back".
Shopkeeper says "Aye, it is a cake, and ye're nae wrang."
A MAN WALKS INTO A BUTCHER'S ON A COLD DAY... … and welcomes the sight of an electric heater with both bars on behind the counter.
Perusing the meats, he asks: "Is that your Ayrshire bacon?"
"No," replies the butcher, "it's only my hands I'm warming."
YankeePorker said:
glenrobbo said:
Did you know that the motto of the French Foreign Legion was:
"Pas d'elle yeux Rhône que nous"?
I get it, but it's not funny....."Pas d'elle yeux Rhône que nous"?
What's the motto of the French Navy?
"To the water; it is the hour!"
"A l'eau, c'est l'heure!"
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED..???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation.
PoleDriver said:
K12beano said:
Pearly Gates, usual Saint, queues shuffle to front said Saint pouring over big book.....
"And what's your name?"
Chorus of: "Don't tell 'im, Perry!!"
Not another!! This has been an awful year!"And what's your name?"
Chorus of: "Don't tell 'im, Perry!!"
glenrobbo said:
PoleDriver said:
K12beano said:
Pearly Gates, usual Saint, queues shuffle to front said Saint pouring over big book.....
"And what's your name?"
Chorus of: "Don't tell 'im, Perry!!"
Not another!! This has been an awful year!"And what's your name?"
Chorus of: "Don't tell 'im, Perry!!"
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