Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Full kitten dissection mode....
Vipers said:
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED..???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Sometimes a prolonged press generates just enough of a weak output from the infrared LED
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? As a deterrent to going overdrawn, or everyone would do it
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? It's a lot easier to check, and humans are naturally curious
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Because in the bottle it is prevented from curing by exposure to the air
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Because all needles are sterilised as standard by the manufacturers
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? He doesnt have any body hair, because he is a wholly unrealistic Disney depiction
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? See above response about unrealistic depictions
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Because they still have the radio and oxygen feeds in them needed for the flight
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? Someone with a very ironic and cruel sense of humor
What is the speed of darkness? The speed at which the last photons emitted by the source retreat from it after switch-off. So, about 3x10^8 metres/second
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? The Paralymics still has a mostly able-bodied audience
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? In boxes of blocks or bags of granules
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 0 Celsius is 273 Kelvin, and assuming twice as cold means half as warm, then it will be about 136 Kelvin or -137 Celsius
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Because species evolve down many different branches depending on environment
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Helping other others in a different way, and so on
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Scientific research suggests married couples have a longer life expectancy and are wealthier, but more likely to be overweight
Can you cry under water? Yes, the same way you can pee underwater
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? "Assassination" is almost exclusively reserved for murders in which someone is being killed primarily due to their title or role in an organization or movement.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? The term is used generically to describe any offshoot from a main entity
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Because a circular box is far more difficult to design and make, and therefore more costly, than a square one
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases? Only with the 1970s boom in air travel did the majority of people have to lug bags around a terminal rather than handing them to a railway porter with a trolley. The wheeled suitcase was invented in 1970 by one such affected traveller
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours? The phrase stems from the assertion that a child has no worldly worries and so can sleep peacefully
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Yes
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Because they generally look into the far distance with them, not down at the ground
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway Because it is deemed rather undignifying for a patient to have to physically strip off in front of someone
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation. No, it's someone with a serious mental illness threatening to commit suicide
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Sometimes a prolonged press generates just enough of a weak output from the infrared LED
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? As a deterrent to going overdrawn, or everyone would do it
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? It's a lot easier to check, and humans are naturally curious
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Because in the bottle it is prevented from curing by exposure to the air
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Because all needles are sterilised as standard by the manufacturers
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? He doesnt have any body hair, because he is a wholly unrealistic Disney depiction
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? See above response about unrealistic depictions
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Because they still have the radio and oxygen feeds in them needed for the flight
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? Someone with a very ironic and cruel sense of humor
What is the speed of darkness? The speed at which the last photons emitted by the source retreat from it after switch-off. So, about 3x10^8 metres/second
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? The Paralymics still has a mostly able-bodied audience
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? In boxes of blocks or bags of granules
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 0 Celsius is 273 Kelvin, and assuming twice as cold means half as warm, then it will be about 136 Kelvin or -137 Celsius
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Because species evolve down many different branches depending on environment
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Helping other others in a different way, and so on
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Scientific research suggests married couples have a longer life expectancy and are wealthier, but more likely to be overweight
Can you cry under water? Yes, the same way you can pee underwater
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? "Assassination" is almost exclusively reserved for murders in which someone is being killed primarily due to their title or role in an organization or movement.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? The term is used generically to describe any offshoot from a main entity
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Because a circular box is far more difficult to design and make, and therefore more costly, than a square one
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases? Only with the 1970s boom in air travel did the majority of people have to lug bags around a terminal rather than handing them to a railway porter with a trolley. The wheeled suitcase was invented in 1970 by one such affected traveller
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours? The phrase stems from the assertion that a child has no worldly worries and so can sleep peacefully
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Yes
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Because they generally look into the far distance with them, not down at the ground
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway Because it is deemed rather undignifying for a patient to have to physically strip off in front of someone
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation. No, it's someone with a serious mental illness threatening to commit suicide
Edited by ChemicalChaos on Monday 24th October 00:12
ChemicalChaos said:
Full kitten dissection mode....
fVipers said:
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED..???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Sometimes a prolonged press generates just enough of a weak output from the infrared LED
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? As a deterrent to going overdrawn, or everyone would do it
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? It's a lot easier to check, and humans are naturally curious
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Because in the bottle it is prevented from curing by exposure to the air
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Because all needles are sterilised as standard by the manufacturers
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? He doesnt have any body hair, because he is a wholly unrealistic Disney depiction
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? See above response about unrealistic depictions
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Because they still have the radio and oxygen feeds in them needed for the flight
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? Someone with a very ironic and cruel sense of humor
What is the speed of darkness? The speed at which the last photons emitted by the source retreat from it after switch-off. So, about 3x10^8 metres/second
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? The Paralymics still has a mostly able-bodied audience
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? In boxes of blocks or bags of granules
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 0 Celsius is 273 Kelvin, and assuming twice as cold means half as warm, then it will be about 136 Kelvin or -137 Celsius
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Because species evolve down many different branches depending on environment
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Helping other others in a different way, and so on
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Scientific research suggests married couples have a longer life expectancy and are wealthier, but more likely to be overweight
Can you cry under water? Yes, the same way you can pee underwater
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? "Assassination" is almost exclusively reserved for murders in which someone is being killed primarily due to their title or role in an organization or movement.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? The term is used generically to describe any offshoot from a main entity
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Because a circular box is far more difficult to design and make, and therefore more costly, than a square one
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases? Only with the 1970s boom in air travel did the majority of people have to lug bags around a terminal rather than handing them to a railway porter with a trolley. The wheeled suitcase was invented in 1970 by one such affected traveller
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours? The phrase stems from the assertion that a child has no worldly worries and so can sleep peacefully
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Yes
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Because they generally look into the far distance with them, not down at the ground
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway Because it is deemed rather undignifying for a patient to have to physically strip off in front of someone
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation. No, it's someone with a serious mental illness threatening to commit suicide
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Sometimes a prolonged press generates just enough of a weak output from the infrared LED
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? As a deterrent to going overdrawn, or everyone would do it
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? It's a lot easier to check, and humans are naturally curious
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Because in the bottle it is prevented from curing by exposure to the air
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Because all needles are sterilised as standard by the manufacturers
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? He doesnt have any body hair, because he is a wholly unrealistic Disney depiction
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? See above response about unrealistic depictions
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Because they still have the radio and oxygen feeds in them needed for the flight
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? Someone with a very ironic and cruel sense of humor
What is the speed of darkness? The speed at which the last photons emitted by the source retreat from it after switch-off. So, about 3x10^8 metres/second
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? The Paralymics still has a mostly able-bodied audience
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? In boxes of blocks or bags of granules
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 0 Celsius is 273 Kelvin, and assuming twice as cold means half as warm, then it will be about 136 Kelvin or -137 Celsius
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Because species evolve down many different branches depending on environment
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Helping other others in a different way, and so on
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Scientific research suggests married couples have a longer life expectancy and are wealthier, but more likely to be overweight
Can you cry under water? Yes, the same way you can pee underwater
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? "Assassination" is almost exclusively reserved for murders in which someone is being killed primarily due to their title or role in an organization or movement.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? The term is used generically to describe any offshoot from a main entity
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Because a circular box is far more difficult to design and make, and therefore more costly, than a square one
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases? Only with the 1970s boom in air travel did the majority of people have to lug bags around a terminal rather than handing them to a railway porter with a trolley. The wheeled suitcase was invented in 1970 by one such affected traveller
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours? The phrase stems from the assertion that a child has no worldly worries and so can sleep peacefully
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Yes
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Because they generally look into the far distance with them, not down at the ground
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway Because it is deemed rather undignifying for a patient to have to physically strip off in front of someone
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation. No, it's someone with a serious mental illness threatening to commit suicide
Edited by ChemicalChaos on Monday 24th October 00:12
king hell, there's going to be a kitten and scalpel shortage.ChemicalChaos said:
Full kitten dissection mode:
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? [b] 0 Celsius is
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? [b] 0 Celsius is
I was impressed by your logical replies to Vipers' posers, C.C./ Mr. Spock, but this one looks to have escaped.
I'm left wondering what your answer was going to be.... ???
Would it involve the Kelvin, Rankin or Fahrenheit scales?
Edited by glenrobbo on Monday 24th October 00:30
ChemicalChaos said:
Noticed that and fixed it! Went for Kelvin as I couldnt be bothered to find the Farenheit conversion factor
Hmmm, I'm not sure that twice as cold equates to half as warm, and anyway you would get different relative degrees of coldness depending on which temperature scale you choose. Perhaps this is one for the Geeks to sort out on their Jokes thread?Anyway, good effort, I commend you on the rest of the sensible responses. I shall leave now before the fight starts.
ChemicalChaos said:
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Because species evolve down many different branches depending on environment
Generally a good effort, but I have to pull you up on this one. The question is inaccurate, as Homo Sapiens did not 'evolve from apes'. Modern-day hominids, such as chimpanzees, share a common ancestor with modern man, and examination of the DNA records leads us to estimate that the key species divergence event occurred around 6 million years ago. The different species then continued to evolve separately; it is therefore entirely wrong to say that one evolved from the other, or indeed that any one species is 'more evolved' than another.ChemicalChaos said:
Noticed that and fixed it! Went for Kelvin as I couldnt be bothered to find the Farenheit conversion factor
-459.67, (most books quote 460 which is rounded up - when you are dealing in thousands of metres of Helium gas's the 0.67 is big bucks, I have been using that for years in my job, anyway, one for today, and I am waiting for the disected version. Four men in the pub are debating the fastest thing in the universe.
The first one said “It’s a blink, that the fastest thing in the universe”
The second one said “No way, it’s a wink, that’s the fastest thing in the universe”
The third man said, “Your both wrong, it’s a flick of a switch, you flick it, and the light comes on, that’s the fastest thing in the universe”
The fourth man said “You’re all wrong, its diarrhoea, I woke up the other night, and before I could blink, wink or flick a switch, I had s
t myself”Vipers said:
-459.67, (most books quote 460 which is rounded up - when you are dealing in thousands of metres of Helium gas's the 0.67 is big bucks, I have been using that for years in my job, anyway, one for today, and I am waiting for the disected version.
Four men in the pub are debating the fastest thing in the universe.
The first one said “It’s a blink, that the fastest thing in the universe”
The second one said “No way, it’s a wink, that’s the fastest thing in the universe”
The third man said, “Your both wrong, it’s a flick of a switch, you flick it, and the light comes on, that’s the fastest thing in the universe”
The fourth man said “You’re all wrong, its diarrhoea, I woke up the other night, and before I could blink, wink or flick a switch, I had st myself”
Actually , it's milk.Four men in the pub are debating the fastest thing in the universe.
The first one said “It’s a blink, that the fastest thing in the universe”
The second one said “No way, it’s a wink, that’s the fastest thing in the universe”
The third man said, “Your both wrong, it’s a flick of a switch, you flick it, and the light comes on, that’s the fastest thing in the universe”
The fourth man said “You’re all wrong, its diarrhoea, I woke up the other night, and before I could blink, wink or flick a switch, I had s
t myself”Because it's pastuerised before you see it.
Vaud said:
Hugo a Gogo said:
not sure about that, I think the water pressure would hold it in ??
But the pressure is also on your body and you can't compress water. So IIRC the physics cancel it out and you can pee.why would they come out of the eyes?
you are floating in the water, your tears are floating with you, unless you squirted out tears at higher pressure than the surrounding water
peeing, you can 'squeeze it out' to a certain extent, so you can do it a bit deeper
Hugo a Gogo said:
Vaud said:
Hugo a Gogo said:
not sure about that, I think the water pressure would hold it in ??
But the pressure is also on your body and you can't compress water. So IIRC the physics cancel it out and you can pee.why would they come out of the eyes?
you are floating in the water, your tears are floating with you, unless you squirted out tears at higher pressure than the surrounding water
peeing, you can 'squeeze it out' to a certain extent, so you can do it a bit deeper
Hugo a Gogo said:
well, you can definitely pee in the water, maybe when you go deeper you can't
but tears just kinda trickle out, that'd surely not work
Believe me commercial divers working at 200 msw do pee and other stuff when they are down. Divers spend up to 28 days under pressure in the oil and gas fields.but tears just kinda trickle out, that'd surely not work
Vipers said:
Hugo a Gogo said:
well, you can definitely pee in the water, maybe when you go deeper you can't
but tears just kinda trickle out, that'd surely not work
Believe me commercial divers working at 200 msw do pee and other stuff when they are down. Divers spend up to 28 days under pressure in the oil and gas fields.but tears just kinda trickle out, that'd surely not work
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