Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Alex]

john2443 said:

I thought it was Usain Bolt - can switch the light off and be in bed before it gets dark? Or was that someone else?

Ali.

[Vipers]

Piersman2 said:

Vipers said:

-459.67, (most books quote 460 which is rounded up - when you are dealing in thousands of metres of Helium gas's the 0.67 is big bucks, I have been using that for years in my job, anyway, one for today, and I am waiting for the disected version.

---

Four men in the pub are debating the fastest thing in the universe.

The first one said “It’s a blink, that the fastest thing in the universe”

The second one said “No way, it’s a wink, that’s the fastest thing in the universe”

The third man said, “Your both wrong, it’s a flick of a switch, you flick it, and the light comes on, that’s the fastest thing in the universe”

The fourth man said “You’re all wrong, its diarrhoea, I woke up the other night, and before I could blink, wink or flick a switch, I had st myself”

Actually , it's milk.

Because it's pastuerised before you see it.

Update. There were five men in the pub .......

[Ayahuasca]

Did you hear about the masochist who liked nothing better than to get up at 400am every day, run 10 miles with bare feet over rough stones, and then have an ice cold shower, and so didn't?

[silverfoxcc]

He must have been the same masochist who asked a sadist to really hurt him, so the sadist said 'No'

[Vipers]

They say that 40 is the new 30.

Try telling that to a fekking speed camera.

[skeggysteve]

Which animal has an ahole half way up it's back?

Police horse.

[Laurel Green]

Vipers said:

They say that 40 is the new 30.

Try telling that to a fekking speed camera.

[tvrolet]

Sir Lancelot had the custom of removing the eyes from everyone he'd slain in battle.
After he'd killed his 500th victim though, he stopped and started just collecting rubber balls. Folks wondered why?

Coz the Knight has a thousand eyes.

[EarlOfHazard]

Laurel Green said:

Vipers said:

They say that 40 is the new 30.

Try telling that to a fekking speed camera.

Haha

[fatboy18]

Pete Burns now! And not quite Halloween yet RIP

[tvrolet]

fatboy18 said:

Pete Burns now! And not quite Halloween yet RIP

Dead or Alive?

[callmedave]

I was drink driving last night and got stopped

....by a tree

[Jos Notstoppen]

tvrolet said:

Sir Lancelot had the custom of removing the eyes from everyone he'd slain in battle.
After he'd killed his 500th victim though, he stopped and started just collecting rubber balls. Folks wondered why?

Coz the Knight has a thousand eyes.

very clever
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-37756...

[Vipers]

callmedave said:

I was drink driving last night and got stopped

....by a tree

You just know someone would say tremendous joke

Good joke btw.

[twing]

Dead or Aliv.....ah answered at last . RIP Pete

[Vipers]

Another oldie which I actually saw on the back of a toilet door in RAF Brize Norton.

---

50% of WACS have TB, and 50% have VD.

So fk those who cough

[Laurel Green]

tvrolet said:

Sir Lancelot had the custom of removing the eyes from everyone he'd slain in battle.
After he'd killed his 500th victim though, he stopped and started just collecting rubber balls. Folks wondered why?

Coz the Knight has a thousand eyes.

...and the chap who had a hit with that punchline has just kicked the proverbial...

[anonymous-user]

Laurel Green said:

tvrolet said:

Sir Lancelot had the custom of removing the eyes from everyone he'd slain in battle.
After he'd killed his 500th victim though, he stopped and started just collecting rubber balls. Folks wondered why?

Coz the Knight has a thousand eyes.

...and the chap who had a hit with that punchline has just kicked the proverbial...

[Usget]

[PoleDriver]

Somebody won't be bouncing back to you!