Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[anonymous-user]

Little girl goes into a pet shop

'Can I buy a fly please'
'Sorry we don't sell flies'
'Well there's one in the window'

[Skyrat]

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

[Fer]

What's the fastest thing on dry land?

Stevie Wonder's speed boat.

[Halmyre]

Man looking in a tailor's window sees a sign saying "IF YOU DO NOT SEE WHAT YOU REQUIRE IN OUR WINDOW PLEASE CALL WITHIN". So he goes in and asks "Do you have any Scotch pies?".

[tvrolet]

The definition of endless love?

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

[iwantagta]

Nom de ploom said:

Went to B&Q with the wife and bought one of those new fangled energy saving light bulbs and the shop assistant asked her "are you going to put that up yourself" and I replied, "no, its for the lamp in the living room"

Reminds me of this one:

I went to B&Q and said to a staff member, "I'm looking for a dildo rail."
He said, "I think you mean dado rail."
I said, "No, it's definitely dildo. I'm going to put it up myself."

[GloverMart]

More trouble at the Olympic Stadium tonight.

Rumours that West Ham and Chelsea firms agreed to meet a mile away from the match, unfortunately this was still in the stadium.

[Superhoop]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

[Johnspex]

Did what do you call a donkey with 3 legs?



A wonky donkey.







What do you call a donkey with 3 legs that plays ragtime piano?





A honky tonky wonky donkey.

[Voldemort]

Johnspex said:

Did what do you call a donkey with 3 legs?



A wonky donkey.







What do you call a donkey with 3 legs that plays ragtime piano?





A plinky plonky honky tonky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs that plays ragtime piano?





A plinky plonky honky tonky wonky donkey.

edited for tradition.

[Johnspex]

Voldemort said:

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs that plays ragtime piano?





A plinky plonky honky tonky wonky donkey.

edited for tradition.

Oh yeah, that's how it goes. Isn't there one about a big nose too?

[Halmyre]

Voldemort said:

Johnspex said:

Did what do you call a donkey with 3 legs?



A wonky donkey.







What do you call a donkey with 3 legs that plays ragtime piano?





A plinky plonky honky tonky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs that plays ragtime piano?





A plinky plonky honky tonky wonky donkey.

edited for tradition.

If it's having sex is it a plinky plonky honky tonky wonky bonky donkey?

[Shoegrip]

Halmyre said:

If it's having sex is it a plinky plonky honky tonky wonky bonky donkey?

How's a 3 legged donkey going to play the piano and have sex at the same time.

In any case, it sounds like the kind of animal I'd draw on the Grand National sweepstake.

[Evangelion]

The last horse I bet on in the National came in at 10 to 4.

Unfortunately the race finished at twenty-five past three.

[anonymous-user]

5 to 2 surely?

[JustinF]

Scared some Jehovah's Witnesses today by going to the door naked.
Not sure what scared them more, me being naked or that I knew where they lived.

[james-witton]

A man goes into a pet shop and asked to buy a wasp.
"I'm sorry Sir' said the shopkeeper "but we don't sell wasps."

"But you've got one in the window"

[anonymous-user]

It was a fly only yesterday

[Quickmoose]

buzzted!

[McAndy]

MartG said:

What's black and doesn't work ?

Decaff coffee

That's racist. White decaff. coffee is an equally useless stimulant.