Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[B'stard Child]

MartG said:

A recent report says 60% of 12 year old girls in Liverpool go binge drinking.
That's terrible - who's looking after their kids?

well it would be if it wasn't so close to the truth

[cologne2792]

Jesus said:

Paul McCartneys new album has an odd title

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1_qBjWBIjk

[EarlOfHazard]

Wacky Racer said:

Jewish Kamikaze pilot.

Crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.

Jewish peadophile:

"Hey kid, wanna buy some sweets?"

[davhill]

Jesus said:

The Ooo-Ahh bird.
Lays square eggs.

It's a cousin of the drum-de-drum-drum bird, which has very short legs and always lands on corrugated iron roofs.

Also related to the (very similar) oohmegoolie bird.

[JustinF]

EarlOfHazard said:

Jewish peadophile:

"Hey kid, wanna buy some sweets?"

ticket to hell please!

[48k]

davhill said:

Jesus said:

The Ooo-Ahh bird.
Lays square eggs.

It's a cousin of the drum-de-drum-drum bird, which has very short legs and always lands on corrugated iron roofs.

Also related to the (very similar) oohmegoolie bird.

I believe these are hunted by the Weatherfacarwe tribe, who are only 2 feet tall and have trouble seeing over the long grass in the jungle.

[dnomyar]

Please pray for my mother-in-law.
She was taken to hospital this morning.
A bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasnt stung,
I was too quick with the spade.......

[john2443]

Ikea?

No I drove.

---

Tintern Abbey.

'Tis

[K12beano]

dnomyar said:

Please pray for my mother-in-law.
She was taken to hospital this morning.
A bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasnt stung,
I was too quick with the spade.......

As limericks go....



...that's the best I've seen today!

[K12beano]

As court decisions go, I have to agree that this one over Duran Duran's copyright is pretty shocking.



I mean, for any court to be so deluded as to think that any band in the 1980s produced anything worth copyrighting ...

[Vaud]

V6Pushfit said:

OK chap the floors yours give us a corker...

“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”

“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”

[Monkeylegend]

Wacky Racer said:

Jewish Kamikaze pilot.

Crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.

Irish kamikaze pilot.

Flew 10 successful missions.

[turbobloke]

Vaud said:

“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”

Similar vintage . . .

My mate took a second job at the local bakery. He kneaded the dough.

He'd already been offered a job as an origami trainer but it folded before he could start.

[anonymous-user]

Vaud said:

V6Pushfit said:

OK chap the floors yours give us a corker...

“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”

“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”

Ok I see your warming up so let's have the corker

[Vaud]

V6Pushfit said:

Ok I see your warming up so let's have the corker

No need to be an arse.


Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the till keeps putting it back.

Today's top fact: 50% of Canada is A

3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.

[turbobloke]

V6Pushfit said:

the corker

Séamus stops Paddy and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy "are you cycling or going by car?"

Séamus "car"

Paddy "well you already know the quickest way"

[turbobloke]

Vaud said:

an arse

A guy is getting changed in the locker room and when he sees another bloke bending down to put his grundies he can't help but notice his bumhole is sewn up.

Shocked by this he asks the chap what happened.

"I was walking on the beach yesterday and found a bottle. When I picked it up, a genie popped out and offered me one wish. I said, 'no st!'"

[K12beano]

"What colour are daffodils?"

"Yellow"

"O"...."...but what colour are daffodils?"

[48k]

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

[Mastiff]

Evangelion said:

"I've just seen my wife off for her trekking holiday. She went, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop ..."

"Onomatopoeia"?

"No, on a horse."

What goes "clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop"

An Amish drive-by shooting.



Definition of a Wok?

It's what you throw a wabbits if you haven't got a wifle.