Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[john2443]

I missed you darling.






She said as she re-loaded the shotgun.

[iwantagta]

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering
different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a
gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. I heard her say,
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
I managed to mumble in reply
“Can I just feel your tits then?

[Vipers]

Skyedriver said:

schmunk said:

melhookv12 said:

He's from Waltham Cross, I don't think I can even go there.

"Have you ever been to Waltham Cross?"

"No, I'm always in a good mood..."

Two from up here in the north east:

Do you know Nevilles Cross?
I knew him when he was just upset!

Do you know Bishop Auckland?
I knew him when he was just a Vicar!

Edited by Skyedriver on Saturday 3rd December 21:47

This is true, many moons go before sat nav, my brother is trying to find somewhere and his missis is using the map, he said "Can you see three bridges", meaning a map loation, she said "No but we just passed under two"

[Skyrat]

On the bosom of young Abigail
Was written the price of her tale
And upon her behind
For the use of the blind
Was the same information in Braille

credit goes to Roy Williamson of The Corries

[Evangelion]

No, it's way older than that. You sure you don't mean Roy Cropper from Corrie?

There was a young harlot called Sue,
Who found ****ing affected her hue;
She presented to sight
Some parts pink, some parts white -
And others quite purple and blue.

[CanAm]

Skyrat said:

On the bosom of young Abigail
Was written the price of her tale
And upon her behind
For the use of the blind
Was the same information in Braille

credit goes to Roy Williamson of The Corries

Unless she was a budding novelist, I think you mean "tail".

[turbobloke]

Evangelion said:

There was a young harlot called Sue,
Who found ****ing affected her hue;
She presented to sight
Some parts pink, some parts white -
And others quite purple and blue.

There was a young skinflint called Dave
Who kept a dead we in a cave
He was heard to admit
"I'm a bit of a st"
But was pleased with the money he'd save

[mickk]

Please pray for my mother-in-law, she's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.


Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade!

[S6PNJ]

mickk said:

Please pray for my mother-in-law, she's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.


Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade!

Yours as well?

dnomyar yesterday said:

Please pray for my mother-in-law.
She was taken to hospital this morning.
A bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasnt stung,
I was too quick with the spade.......

[Monkeylegend]

S6PNJ said:

mickk said:

Please pray for my mother-in-law, she's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.


Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade!

Yours as well?

dnomyar yesterday said:

Please pray for my mother-in-law.
She was taken to hospital this morning.
A bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasnt stung,
I was too quick with the spade.......

Oh beehive you two.

[mickk]

S6PNJ said:

mickk said:

Please pray for my mother-in-law, she's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.


Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade!

Yours as well?

dnomyar yesterday said:

Please pray for my mother-in-law.
She was taken to hospital this morning.
A bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasnt stung,
I was too quick with the spade.......

Thought I'd seen it before.

[glenrobbo]

mickk said:

Thought I'd seen it before.

Only ten bloody times since yesterday morning!

Is this some kind of re-posting record attempt?

If so just let us know so we can all re-post it/ quote it yet again for posterity.

Good grief!

[K12beano]

It's déjà vu all over again

[Vaud]

K12beano said:

It's déjà vu all over again

Didn't you just post that?

[mickk]

glenrobbo said:

mickk said:

Thought I'd seen it before.

Only ten bloody times since yesterday morning!

Is this some kind of re-posting record attempt?

If so just let us know so we can all re-post it/ quote it yet again for posterity.

Good grief!

10 times? Don't exaggerate!

[glenrobbo]

mickk said:

10 times? Don't exaggerate!

Count them!

[glenrobbo]

A friend of mine took to drinking brake fluid.

I warned him about the dangers, and told him that it was highly addictive.
He retorted that he could stop whenever he wanted to.

[mickk]

glenrobbo said:

mickk said:

10 times? Don't exaggerate!

Count them!

I don't know why I did count them but just the once, I promise I'll try harder in the future.

[glenrobbo]

I've told you a million times not to tell me I'm exaggerating!

[mickk]

I've checked back two pages glenrobbo


I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the till keeps putting it back.