Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

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K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
V6Pushfit said:
PoleDriver said:
Laurel Green said:
Yep! Fish are 'surreel.
rolleyes
A tench ion grabber!
Don't knock him off his perch - he's on a roll mop
This thread goes to some bleak, plaices

B'stard Child

28,322 posts

245 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
K12beano said:
V6Pushfit said:
PoleDriver said:
Laurel Green said:
Yep! Fish are 'surreel.
rolleyes
A tench ion grabber!
Don't knock him off his perch - he's on a roll mop
This thread goes to some bleak, plaices
Cods wallop - plaice is a bream

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
The Ocean - ALL you Need to Know!!
Children Writing About the Ocean...........
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
makes my willy small. ( Kevin , age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. ( Becky , age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my
mom. (James, age 7)

anonymous-user

53 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
K12beano said:
V6Pushfit said:
PoleDriver said:
Laurel Green said:
Yep! Fish are 'surreel.
rolleyes
A tench ion grabber!
Don't knock him off his perch - he's on a roll mop
This thread goes to some bleak, plaices
And sole less depths

TerryThomas

1,228 posts

90 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
V6Pushfit said:
K12beano said:
V6Pushfit said:
PoleDriver said:
Laurel Green said:
Yep! Fish are 'surreel.
rolleyes
A tench ion grabber!
Don't knock him off his perch - he's on a roll mop
This thread goes to some bleak, plaices
And sole less depths
For cod's sake give him a chance, eel learn.

leigh1050

2,372 posts

164 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
B'stard Child said:
K12beano said:
V6Pushfit said:
PoleDriver said:
Laurel Green said:
Yep! Fish are 'surreel.
rolleyes
A tench ion grabber!
Don't knock him off his perch - he's on a roll mop
This thread goes to some bleak, plaices
Cods wallop - plaice is a bream
Kilmarnock.












It's a Plaice in Scotland!

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
leigh1050 said:
B'stard Child said:
K12beano said:
V6Pushfit said:
PoleDriver said:
Laurel Green said:
Yep! Fish are 'surreel.
rolleyes
A tench ion grabber!
Don't knock him off his perch - he's on a roll mop
This thread goes to some bleak, plaices
Cods wallop - plaice is a bream
Kilmarnock.












It's a Plaice in Scotland!
Sir - you appear to be musselling in with the wrong joke; I hake to breakwater it to you....

Muntu

7,631 posts

198 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
Why did Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?



He didn't want people running around the White House saying ''come Spot, come Spot!''

turbobloke

103,742 posts

259 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
A village blacksmith kept his dog in the forge. When he tried taking it home one day it made a bolt for the door.

noell35

3,170 posts

147 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
Reminds me of my late Mum and Jack the border collie. Whenever she wanted Jack to let go of his ball she repeated the command "Jack off"

turbobloke

103,742 posts

259 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat when you’re driving? Put it in the front seat.

Piersman2

6,596 posts

198 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all
Muntu said:
Why did Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?

He didn't want people running around the White House saying ''come Spot, come Spot!''
I'm not sure 'come, Buddy' would sound much better! laugh

MartG

20,622 posts

203 months

Tuesday 6th December 2016
quotequote all

turbobloke

103,742 posts

259 months

Wednesday 7th December 2016
quotequote all
A man walks into a bar and sees a dog sitting at a table sipping a pint.

He turns to the barman and says "It’s not often you see a dog drinking bitter in here"

The dog ovehears this and replies "Yeah, hardly surprising at these prices."

Halmyre

11,148 posts

138 months

Wednesday 7th December 2016
quotequote all
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a horse, a dog, a parrot, a crocodile and a duck all walk into a bar and the barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

turbobloke

103,742 posts

259 months

Wednesday 7th December 2016
quotequote all
What type of dog has four legs and one hand?

A hungry Rottweiler.

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Wednesday 7th December 2016
quotequote all
turbobloke said:
What type of dog has four legs and one hand?

A hungry Rottweiler.
rofl

shout GET DOWN, SHEP

Vipers

32,797 posts

227 months

Wednesday 7th December 2016
quotequote all
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the Congo, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree.
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."




smile

john2443

6,325 posts

210 months

Wednesday 7th December 2016
quotequote all
The doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffered from insanity.

I said, no, we all seem to enjoy it.

vixen1700

22,668 posts

269 months

Wednesday 7th December 2016
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