Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[schmunk]

PoleDriver said:

Vipers said:

Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson are at a celebrity do.

She says "I"m a model, what do you do?"

He replies "I do Top Gear."

She said "Wicked! I"ll have an eighth."

There's absolutely no way on Earth that Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson wouldn't know who each other were!

Also, it needs to be "Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson are were at a celebrity do at least two years ago".

[48k]

Medical fact of the day: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine per day it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

[Don1]

Vipers said:

Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson are at a celebrity do.

She says "I"m a model, what do you do?"

He replies "I do Top Gear."

She said "Wicked! I"ll have an eighth."

An eighth? Isn't that a measure more associated with hash? Surely Ms Moss would (allegedly) ask for an ounce or even an eight-ball?

[Vipers]

In the far distant past, at least two years ago, Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson were at a celebrity do.

She says "I"m a model, what do you do?"

He replies "I do Top Gear."

She said "Wicked! I"ll have an ounce".

[Don1]

Good work Sir.

[schmunk]

Vipers said:

In the far distant past, at least two years ago, Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson were at a celebrity do.

She says "I"m a model, what do you do?"

He replies "I do Top Gear."

She said "Wicked! I"ll have an ounce".

She never shot it up.

[mickk]

Been offered a job carrying out Brazilian waxing in a ladies beauty salon.

Its £10 an hour, Gash in hand!

[Vipers]

mickk said:

Been offered a job carrying out Brazilian waxing in a ladies beauty salon.

Its £10 an hour, Gash in hand!

Friend of mine in Liverpool was offered a similar job, he asked where to apply, he was told just get in line.

He asked where the end of the line was, he was told "Plymouth"

[Evangelion]

I just got a job in a strip cub, perking up the girls' nipples before they go on stage, for £50 a week.

I know that's not much, but it's all I can afford.

[anonymous-user]

I am now the owner of an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

[PoleDriver]

If anyone steals my identity at least I will know who to look for!

[PoleDriver]

Evangelion said:

I just got a job in a strip cub, perking up the girls' nipples before they go on stage, for £50 a week.

I know that's not much, but it's all I can afford.

The basic pay is low, but the tips are good!

[Doofus]

digimeistter said:

I am now the owner of an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

[Doofus]

PoleDriver said:

If anyone steals my identity at least I will know who to look for!

And where they live!

[silverfoxcc]

Shouldn't have laughed but the front page of the Sun about the demise of TPT.

It said

Loud Bang,then silence.

I thought no wonder she wasnt found for three days, perhaps the people living underneath thought it was normal

[Muntu]

My wife said she's leaving me because I always exaggerate too much. I almost tripped over my cock

[fatboy18]

Muntu said:

My wife said she's leaving me because I always exaggerate too much. I almost tripped over my cock

[mickk]

My son came home from school and told me he was being called gay.

I said 'Who's calling you that son?'

He replied 'A bunch of really cute boys.'

[Muntu]

So Descartes goes into a bar
The bartender makes Last Call and asks him, "Get you another?"
Descartes replies, "I think not." And disappears

[Monkeylegend]

A young apprentice was talking to his boss about where he was born.

"Cardiff sir, but I left a few years ago, too many prostitutes and rugby players lived there for my liking"

"My wife used to live in Cardiff" said the boss

"Did she sir" replied the apprentice "what position did she play in?"