Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
glenrobbo said:
Vipers said:
I could say it's old if you recognise it but I won't. 
. Joking off course. Something the OH said today rattled my little cells and dug it up, but hey may be some young members on here.
Then again they may be thinking what C & A is.
Vipers old chum, I am indeed extremely ancient. . Joking off course. Something the OH said today rattled my little cells and dug it up, but hey may be some young members on here. Then again they may be thinking what C & A is.
I can remember when Adam was a lad.
I remember the first horse-drawn aeroplanes.
I remember the summer of '69. (
I think it was actually '70. 
)I remember most of your jokes from the first, second and third time around
. But only when you jog my memory, so thanks for that, old chap! 
Trouble is, these days, I get halfway up the stairs and forget what I was going upstairs for.
So I have to stop and think. Nope, it's gone.
Then I can't remember if I was going upstairs or downstairs. ???
Eventually, after pondering for a while, I get to the bottom of the stairs.
That's when I tend to wet myself.
However, I will never forget what C&A was all those years ago.
In my defence, I was very very drunk.
Edited by glenrobbo on Sunday 19th February 17:44
let me tell you when I joined the Royal Navy we didn't need official numbers, we all knew each other, and my best pal was bowman in Moses basket. 
glenrobbo said:
I remember the first horse-drawn aeroplanes.
I recently did the excellent tour of Farnborough airport. At one point we were shown where, in the early 1900's, a chap called Samuel Franklin Cody used horses to tow man-lifting kites into the air for military surveillance.A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A wild-eyed 69 year old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC, waiving an un-holstered automatic pistol and yelled out, "I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who in here has been sleeping with my husband!”
A female voice from the back of the room called out,
“You gonna need more ammo than that, Hillary!”
A female voice from the back of the room called out,
“You gonna need more ammo than that, Hillary!”
glenrobbo said:
Vipers said:
She says to paddy, "Why is there a lable saying "L" in one of your wellies, and "R" in the other"
Paddy says "That's so I know which way round they go, "L" is for left, and "R" is for right"
She says "Oh, now I know why there's a label in my knickers saying C & A"
That's a very old joke Vipers. Paddy says "That's so I know which way round they go, "L" is for left, and "R" is for right"
She says "Oh, now I know why there's a label in my knickers saying C & A"
Either that or they are very very old knickers.
Halmyre said:
glenrobbo said:
Vipers said:
She says to paddy, "Why is there a lable saying "L" in one of your wellies, and "R" in the other"
Paddy says "That's so I know which way round they go, "L" is for left, and "R" is for right"
She says "Oh, now I know why there's a label in my knickers saying C & A"
That's a very old joke Vipers. Paddy says "That's so I know which way round they go, "L" is for left, and "R" is for right"
She says "Oh, now I know why there's a label in my knickers saying C & A"
Either that or they are very very old knickers.
True story:
Many years ago, a couple of years after I was married, I was sent to Hong Kong on detachment. Shown to my quarters by the mess manager, he asked if I would like the services of an "armah"? This was a lovely old Chinese lady who, for a small weekly sum, would clean and tidy my billet room, make my bed, and do my laundry. She was a lovely old dear, and did a splendid job.
Upon my return to the UK and home to my wife, we got very busy making up for our long separation.
However, after a couple of days, she started giving me the silent treatment, and turned very sulky.
Perplexed, I asked her what was the matter?
"You know very well!" she snapped.
I hadn't a clue what she was going on about and I told her so.
"Don't play the innocent with me", she shouted, "You've been with another woman whilst you were away!"
"I haven't!" I protested.
"Yes you have! And I've got proof" she exclaimed and stormed off, then returned and threw a pair of my underpants at me!
"How do you explain those kisses in your pants?" she sobbed.
I looked down and saw that that dear old Chinese grandma had carefully marked the label with an indelible marker pen thus: XXX
Who would have thought that a laundry mark could cause so much distress?
Luckily, that mark was visible in every item of my clothing that had been laundered during my stay in HK and eventually she accepted my explanation.
Phew!
Many years ago, a couple of years after I was married, I was sent to Hong Kong on detachment. Shown to my quarters by the mess manager, he asked if I would like the services of an "armah"? This was a lovely old Chinese lady who, for a small weekly sum, would clean and tidy my billet room, make my bed, and do my laundry. She was a lovely old dear, and did a splendid job.
Upon my return to the UK and home to my wife, we got very busy making up for our long separation.
However, after a couple of days, she started giving me the silent treatment, and turned very sulky.
Perplexed, I asked her what was the matter?
"You know very well!" she snapped.
I hadn't a clue what she was going on about
and I told her so."Don't play the innocent with me", she shouted, "You've been with another woman whilst you were away!"
"I haven't!" I protested.
"Yes you have! And I've got proof" she exclaimed and stormed off, then returned and threw a pair of my underpants at me!
"How do you explain those kisses in your pants?" she sobbed.
I looked down and saw that that dear old Chinese grandma had carefully marked the label with an indelible marker pen thus: XXX
Who would have thought that a laundry mark could cause so much distress?
Luckily, that mark was visible in every item of my clothing that had been laundered during my stay in HK and eventually she accepted my explanation.
Phew!
glenrobbo said:
True story:
Many years ago, a couple of years after I was married, I was sent to Hong Kong on detachment. Shown to my quarters by the mess manager, he asked if I would like the services of an "armah"? This was a lovely old Chinese lady who, for a small weekly sum, would clean and tidy my billet room, make my bed, and do my laundry. She was a lovely old dear, and did a splendid job.
Upon my return to the UK and home to my wife, we got very busy making up for our long separation.
However, after a couple of days, she started giving me the silent treatment, and turned very sulky.
Perplexed, I asked her what was the matter?
"You know very well!" she snapped.
I hadn't a clue what she was going on about and I told her so.
"Don't play the innocent with me", she shouted, "You've been with another woman whilst you were away!"
"I haven't!" I protested.
"Yes you have! And I've got proof" she exclaimed and stormed off, then returned and threw a pair of my underpants at me!
"How do you explain those kisses in your pants?" she sobbed.
I looked down and saw that that dear old Chinese grandma had carefully marked the label with an indelible marker pen thus: XXX
Who would have thought that a laundry mark could cause so much distress?
Luckily, that mark was visible in every item of my clothing that had been laundered during my stay in HK and eventually she accepted my explanation.
Phew!
Amah! Many years ago, a couple of years after I was married, I was sent to Hong Kong on detachment. Shown to my quarters by the mess manager, he asked if I would like the services of an "armah"? This was a lovely old Chinese lady who, for a small weekly sum, would clean and tidy my billet room, make my bed, and do my laundry. She was a lovely old dear, and did a splendid job.
Upon my return to the UK and home to my wife, we got very busy making up for our long separation.
However, after a couple of days, she started giving me the silent treatment, and turned very sulky.
Perplexed, I asked her what was the matter?
"You know very well!" she snapped.
I hadn't a clue what she was going on about
and I told her so."Don't play the innocent with me", she shouted, "You've been with another woman whilst you were away!"
"I haven't!" I protested.
"Yes you have! And I've got proof" she exclaimed and stormed off, then returned and threw a pair of my underpants at me!
"How do you explain those kisses in your pants?" she sobbed.
I looked down and saw that that dear old Chinese grandma had carefully marked the label with an indelible marker pen thus: XXX
Who would have thought that a laundry mark could cause so much distress?
Luckily, that mark was visible in every item of my clothing that had been laundered during my stay in HK and eventually she accepted my explanation.
Phew!
PoleDriver said:
Amah!
Thanks for that. I had to guess at the spelling, Poley. It was only spoken, not written. And it was a long long time ago.
Kai Tak is long gone. Like the man in those special shoes, I stand corrected.
ETA: Just wondering, did you ever get kisses in your underpants?
Edited by glenrobbo on Monday 20th February 15:28
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