Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[mickk]

Bit early.

[boyse7en]

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes" used to be a fun game when i was a little kid

Now i have my own little kids and it has just become a list of places I ache when I wake up

[PoleDriver]

mickk said:

Bit early.

Much too early, hospital have let him go home after recovering from an infection!

[mickk]

PoleDriver said:

mickk said:

Bit early.

Much too early, hospital have let him go home after recovering from an infection!

Good game!

[K12beano]

Funkycoldribena said:

Just bought a mate a giant elephant for his front room.
He said thanks.
I said don't mention it.

That's remarkable: a giant, talking elephant!

[Veeayt]

If God is a woman, then you don't just get to heaven - you'll never know why.

[Vipers]

Man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

“Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘WiFi’ not ‘wife’.”

[vx220]

Guys, a while ago we had a joke where the punchline was something like "I prefer my Claymore" but said "clay more", can anyone remember it?

[PoleDriver]

vx220 said:

Guys, a while ago we had a joke where the punchline was something like "I prefer my Claymore" but said "clay more", can anyone remember it?

http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=547131&i=1120

[mybrainhurts]

vx220 said:

Guys, a while ago we had a joke where the punchline was something like "I prefer my Claymore" but said "clay more", can anyone remember it?

There's a ton of it here...

[Muntu]

My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.

Her clothes don't fit anymore

[evil len]

You know what, over the years I've encountered a lot of stereotypes.

Sony, Bose, Bang & Olufsen. The list goes on.

[evil len]

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

[evil len]

What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun ?

Luke warm

[Caruso]

evil len said:

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

[Kenty]

"Daddy, how was I born?" 'Well son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and Googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button..nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male!"...

[familyguy1]

I bought someone an elephant for his room.
He said "That's lovely."
I said "Don't mention it."

[Vipers]

familyguy1 said:

I bought someone an elephant for his room.
He said "That's lovely."
I said "Don't mention it."

Not a "giant" one then.

[Hugo a Gogo]

spooky, funkycoldribena bought his mate one earlier

[grumpy52]

I lay there just slipping off to sleep and a hand slid under the sheet and made its way down my chest and slid under the waist of my boxers .
The hand continued and cupped my manhood .
I wispered sleepily that I was too tired .
Thats not the way it works in here replied my cell mste .