Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Ructions]

I hate it when somebody from here uses American terminology:

Me: It's 'biscuits' not 'cookies'!

Librarian: OK the biscuits on the computer you used last time showed you were looking at animal porn. Please leave.

[Dusty964]

Ructions said:

I hate it when somebody from here uses American terminology:

Me: It's 'biscuits' not 'cookies'!

Librarian: OK the biscuits on the computer you used last time showed you were looking at animal porn. Please leave.

You can get around the issue.

Our IT guy asked me- 'have you disabled cookies'

I said 'no, but once I bit the legs off a gingerbread man'.

[Caruso]

I went to the Weight Watchers website and it asked me if I accepted cookies. Wasn't sure if it was a trick question.

[ChemicalChaos]

So this SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor...

[Kenty]

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door.He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
''Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[mybrainhurts]

Kenty said:

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door.He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
''Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Nah, that bloke was Blue, in Australia. Thirty miles dahn the road, on the right hand side....wear what the bloody hell ya like, mate, there's only gonna to be the two of us...

Scandinavian chappies aren't like that....

[blinkythefish]

Colonial said:

How many friendzoned men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it then sulk when it won't screw.

Surely they just pick up the pieces after someone else has screwed it?

[Vipers]

Man went to see his psychiatrist wearing cling film instead of trousers.

The psychiatrist said "I can see your nuts".

---

I am on a whisky diet, lost three days this week

Edited by Vipers on Saturday 18th March 22:22

[PoleDriver]

No ding-a-ling!

[Vipers]

PoleDriver said:

No ding-a-ling!

Didn't that song piss Mary Whitehouse off?. Nearly as much as that soft porn star who changed her name to Mary Whitehouse

[kowalski655]

At least Marty McFly might get the credit for writing Johnny B Goode now

[Vipers]

PoleDriver said:

No ding-a-ling!

Just cottoned on, sad loss

[vx220]

Vipers said:

Just cottoned on, sad loss

"The blood of the guitar was Chuck Berry red..."

[davhill]

Colonial said:

How many friendzoned men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it then sulk when it won't screw.

Are these the same men who complain of a wife/partner's developing Dyson's disease? "Keeps whining and won't suck any more."

[PoleDriver]

It's now hard to imagine a world without Piers Morgan and Donald Trump. But it's well worth the effort.

[mickk]

Missus emptied the washing machine this morning and found the cat dead.

At least he died in comfort.

[B'stard Child]

mickk said:

Missus emptied the washing machine this morning and found the cat dead.

At least he died in comfort.

Not funny.............

[PoleDriver]

B'stard Child said:

mickk said:

Missus emptied the washing machine this morning and found the cat dead.

At least he died in comfort.

Not funny.............

It was probably the purr sil that did for him!

[Vaud]

PoleDriver said:

B'stard Child said:

mickk said:

Missus emptied the washing machine this morning and found the cat dead.

At least he died in comfort.

Not funny.............

It was probably the purr sil that did for him!

Daz was the end of the cat. It was a Bold death. But now it will be away with the Fairys.

[B'stard Child]

Vaud said:

PoleDriver said:

B'stard Child said:

mickk said:

Missus emptied the washing machine this morning and found the cat dead.

At least he died in comfort.

Not funny.............

It was probably the purr sil that did for him!

Daz was the end of the cat. It was a Bold death. But now it will be away with the Fairys.

If the cat had been transferred from washer to drier - the addition of some bounce might have been enough to revive it.....


For those not familiar with washers and driers.